Thread: Cold Sensei
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Old 05-07-2013, 07:01 AM   #10
Marc Abrams
Dojo: Aikido Arts of Shin Budo Kai/ Bedford Hills, New York
Location: New York
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 1,302
Re: Cold Sensei

Anonymous User wrote: View Post
To answer your question, we are both adults. Not kids by any means And I did approach Sensei about it a while ago. He said that No, I didn't do anything to make him angry, and more cryptically Perhaps it was best this way, and Maybe we need to work on my self-esteem.
I suspect that I actually did do something to make him behave this way. I don't think he values a more direct style of communication. My suspicion is that he thinks that he is protecting me from the truth and can quietly discard the unwanted friend while getting to keep the student. But, that is me guessing in the dark.
Unfortunately for me, it is by nature an unequal relationship. I have to take my cue from my sensei as to how the relationship goes. I feel like my only options are to accept my role as a student only or leave. What is hard about it for me is that it is a small dojo and I spend quite a bit of time there. To not be included in a social group within the dojo makes training there very lonely.
I always thought of Aikido as not just being the training and is more about the connections that are created through training. It just feels very hurtful to be excluded by the very person who taught me that.
Am I missing something? Should I not allow those connections to be broken? Or am I supposed to ignore how this behavior makes me feel and just shut up and train? Very confused.
So let's look at the "answers" that emerge:

1) He says that you did not do something to make him angry and that maybe you need to work on your self-esteem= I will not answer you directly and prefer to displace blame on you and not address the 10 ton elephant in the room = passive-aggressive manner of addressing interpersonal conflicts. Is this the kind of model that you want to follow?
2) You recognize that it is a smal dojo and that this "world" has sub-groupings like all other other "worlds, and you are not in the "inner circle" at the moment. How much of why you are there is for the "Aikido" and how much for the "social"?
3) How would you like to manage the connections from the sub-group that you reside in?

This is a good starting point to begin to look deeper into what is happening to you at this dojo.

marc abrams
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