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Old 10-18-2002, 08:03 PM   #35
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Anonymous User
anonymous coward again.

it seems deeply ironic to me that i pursue an art that hopes to create peace in the wider world, while home is such a strident place. i can't even use aiki techniques well enough to figure out how to solve these problems so close to my own life!

giancarlo: you ask a lot of penetrating questions. i'm afraid to list all the incidents in great detail because i'm certain that some people on this list could figure out who i'm talking about and where this is happening. Uke is the one getting injured most of the time. And it's not any one particular technique, or entry, or with specifically skilled people or beginners. I've tried seeing into his head and i feel like it's a self-absorbed steel ball--nothing gets in, nothing gets out. why he chose something like aikido baffles me, except he parrots the talk (practice safely, connection is important, he says) but doesn't walk the walk. maybe he really does idealize what i consider important about the art, but falls way short of implementing the ideals. when does shooting for an ideal that one falls so short of, become instead a willful hypocritical self-blindness? i don't know.

i don't believe my dojo is trying to punish this person deliberately.

i don't believe an effective way to communicate is happening.

it's breaking my heart to be witness to what should be preventable suffering.

and i can see how sensei's hope to reach this person is part of the equation, a positive intention that's not working.

well, there's the serenity prayer:

god grant me the courage to change the things i can, the strength to accept the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference!

but progress depends on the people who are too unreasonable to accept the situation. i had wanted progress.

by posting anonymously, i wanted to see if there was a protocol that someone knew of, or a perspective that someone had that might lead to clarity more effectively than the ones i had tried. also, by staying anonymous, i could be anyone, anywhere -- maybe i'm angry and frustrated with *you* and you don't let yourself realize it, maybe someone somewhere will be inspired to greater sensitivity.

i don't think i should do the things i can see would be effective, but brutal. i think leaving now before i become someone i can't necessarily stop being is a wise idea. at the very least, i will continue training, and be far away when that grenade explodes, as it seems inevitable to me will eventually happen. and maybe stopping my anger is the contribution i can make towards a peaceful resolution.

maybe, if i keep to the path, my skills will eventually grow to be able to handle anything this person could do. maybe, i will someday meet this person on the mat again and discover i *outrank* him. petty little thoughts. but they might just work, because i can always work on me.

thanks to all. i will keep reading to see if anybody does have a magic answer, but i think i've made my choice.
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