There's something about your approach here that troubles me, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it feels like you are trying to assign blame? Maybe it feels like you are trying to cast the interactions in the dojo into some sort of normative model of what dojos and aikidoka should be like? I'm not sure.
One thing about your approach which certainly does resonate well with me is this: the more a person tries to understand a situation, the more effectively they will deal with it. The questions that you ask are all good questions, and it never hurts to think about good questions.
I've been thinking about this thread a little recently. I feel quite helpless in the face of the situation 'anonymous coward' describes. Sort of like I've been asked how to do AiKiDo while tied up in a chair with three guys attacking me. It's not clear there is a good answer, or, perhaps, even the best answer will not necessarily save me.
The other thought I had, though, is that I may be putting myself into this bind by some sense that I have to 'solve' coward's issue for them. Maybe I need to recognize that good and talented people have worried about this, and that it may be, for me, about realizing the limitations we face in this world.
A similar thought occured regarding coward's options. AiKiDo (as I understand it) has a lot to do with accepting the world as it is and not trying to change the inevitable. If we focus on recognizing the difference between what we do influence and what we don't influence, we become much more effective than when we get those things confused. It sounds like coward sees her options as basically being either to stay with the dojo or to quit. Maybe these really are her only options.