Just come back from a dojo in the city
After reading some post here earlier, I decided to screw all this and jump on a bus that would take me down town. There's no bus to go back though and I expected to spend 2 hours to walk back in the night, but I also got 2 hours of training that makes me feel alive. This is what I've been missing for so long. The thrill of the throw, the smoothness of working with aikido people, the rituals and stuff... I should have done this much sooner.
I might think about getting a bike and going there more regularly. Commuting time will take a big chunks out of my studies, but I can no longer study without training anyway.
Funny thing is, my sempai whom I talked about in the OP came to pick me up, got real angry and insisted that I don't do that again. But I know what I want now and what I need to do