looking back at the OP after what Janet wrote above...yea I think Janet nailed the issue.
Mary E wrote:
When uke attacks with intention and commitment and nage responds with the same we can both have all that we want. It takes work and the willingness to be truthful but the results are good.
seeking to understand is always a trait that we can improve upon, especially when have room and time to do so. I think the orange story demonstrates this very well.
Translating this into budo I think is possible, but we have to consider much more than the clinical and neat/clean philosophical aspects of the situations we encounter many times.
Using the words "attack" in conjunction the orange story brings up different elements that I think complicate things. I think there is a big difference between conflict over an orange and conflict over the intent to actually attack someone.
I think it is more than the level of intent or the emotional investment too, although there is intent and emotion over an orange.
I think when we are discussing issues over true and physical harm it is very difficult to speak in terms of win/win...and we need to be pragmatic about it,
That said, as far as a model for conflict resolution and yes, I also agree that expanding our skills in order to create space and seeking to better understand allows us to make better choices and can go along way in creating win/win.
However, not every fairy tale has a happy ending. I think as budoka we need to study this and embrace it more so than focusing on the happy endings only as can be the case.
However, this should not take away from the message that Mary is conveying as I think it is a good example giving the context in which it was offered. Save removing the linkage to attack as I don't think it translates well or directly in this respect.