talking and listening
Reading the thread about self defense made me think about Tom Crum's example of real communication in "The Magic of Conflict."
To paraphrase, he talks about 2 people wanting an orange. Being reasonable people they discuss it and come to the conclusion that they would cut the orange in 2 and each have half.
So they cut the orange in half and were sort of ok with the decision.
Then the first man peeled his orange and ate the fruit and the other man zested the skin and threw out the fruit.
With just a little more communication they both could have all of what they wanted.
When uke attacks with intention and commitment and nage responds with the same we can both have all that we want. It takes work and the willingness to be truthful but the results are good.