ever since I passed my yudansha exam, Sensei has asked me to teach some of the classes and that made me unable to train as hard as I wanted to. and it's been almost six months since Sensei started asking me to teach the classes..
I'm really tired of teaching beginners in my current dojo. I had to hold back when doing a technique with them, thus I don't get the exercise I came to train for (they can't do a decent ukemi because my dojo focuses more on teaching them how to be a nage, instead of uke). I don't get to improve my timing because I have to stop in each movements to show them to the students..
I just love the feeling when I can do a technique with correct timing and flow. I've actually been having a bad mood if I couldn't spend 2 hours throwing and getting thrown at least every other day. maybe it's the endorphine or something.. I also want to be able to train as hard as I can when I still have the energy and time for it, instead of wasting my time teaching people who don't even really have the passion for aikido. they said that they want to exercise. but instead of training hard, most of them just chat on the mat. it really pisses me off and make me want to leave them and pair up with other senior students who I can apply my real aikido to and have the desire to learn and train hard..
english is not my first language so I can't describe my feelings very well but I hope that you get how irritated I'm feeling. I'm actually considering taking up capoeira and taekwondo to get the exercise I wanted that Aikido can't provide me.
I believe that some of you have had this kind of feeling/experience before so I'd really like to hear how you handled it..
I think I would be ok with you as a teacher.
My ideal teacher does not teach - he beats me up, throws me, and never illustrates one single technique, and never speaks one word, and just makes one gesture at the beginning of the lesson meaning: attack me ruthlessly, stupid monk!
1 hour of pure fight. No pauses, no explanations, no directions. Nothing. Just fight.
I go back home with my ideas very confused. I am aching. And most of all very humbled. I cannot place one thing right. I realize I am really mr nobody. I lay on the bed staring at the ceiling feeling how inferior I am. I realize I am worthless at aikido.
I run in my mind over and over again all that happened. I see my mistakes, a few of them at least, and I try to envision many ways not to make them again, most of which will come out to be just other mistakes - new ones.
Suddenly, I realize that every other lesson, mistake by mistake, I am magicallygetting
a tad better every time.
My teacher, in turn, can train freestyle.
Oh and there is no dojo. It's an open space, and the mat is sands. The weather does not matter - given day, given hour, we're there, who arrives first seiza
s and zenwaits
Atharvaveda Aikido, Aikido in the Forests