Alic

Michael, I don't understand. It's bad that I learned that violence and aggression doesn't work for self defense? What should I have learned from that experience then? That I should make sure to stab the guy next time?

Forgive me for saying this, but I can practically feel your eyes judging me from way over yonder. I don't understand what you want from me, should I say that I belong in an institution? Or is jail better for a monster like me? Or perhaps you feel like a sociopath like me doesn't deserve to learn Aikido?

I was 10 years old, knew not a word of English, had no friends here, never seen a foreigner before, and the first experience I have of them is that they are violent without reason. I didn't even talk to the guy before he started to attack me physically, and I only realized way down the line that he was also verbally provoking me. I was still very much naive and competitive back then, so my first thought was "I don't understand his words, but I understand his actions, gotta think of a defense NOW!"

More than 10 years later, I understand now that he wanted to get a rise from me. I still don't know, even now, what he lacked that he thought he could've gotten from me, but whatever that thing was, he didn't get it from me, since he never seemed to be satisfied. I felt that he was always trying to provoke me in a certain way, looking something he wanted, to feed a desire within himself.

Are you feeling the same? Perhaps by belittling me, you can also gain something that you feel you don't have right now? I don't know what it is that you want me to say or do, but will that give you relief?

Because if so, I will not be able to give that to you.