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Old 09-19-2011, 06:56 AM   #28
Marc Abrams
Dojo: Aikido Arts of Shin Budo Kai/ Bedford Hills, New York
Location: New York
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 1,302
Re: verbal abuse from a teacher

Anonymous User wrote: View Post
Wow, very nice. Never thought of it that way. Thank you!

Ah, that's right. I remember coming to that conclusion right after getting out of Academy. And Sensei doesn't seem to talk to anyone else the way he does to me.

And yes, I am a girl

It's a bit difficult to start respecting myself again after a good 4 years of Sensei's rants. But, as you said, I think with the right people I can pull myself together again. You're right on every point, thank you.

So do any of you think it's possible to talk to him (or write a careful letter) and set a boundary between acceptable and unacceptable mode of conversation? Or is running away the only option? I mean, he is respectful with other students. He is like this only with those that are closest to him.

I am also afraid that if I don't learn to stand up for myself here, another situation will present itself elsewhere and I will be forced to run from other dojos, jobs, relationships, etc...
1) My apologies for wrong gender identification!

2) If you did not still respect yourself, you would not have felt compelled to post. You should recognize that even four years of verbal abuse did not extinguish your positive esteem for yourself. The right people for rebuilding begins and ends with yourself. Other people cannot replace your own regard for yourself. They can serve to reflect back to you who you are. Appreciate and cherish how strong you really are for putting up with the B.S. for four years and still having the personal integrity and self-respect to be able to walk away with your head held high!

3) The time for conversation ended a long time ago when the teacher abused the student-teacher relationship and turned it into an ongoing abuse of power. YOU ARE NOT RUNNING AWAY!!!! You are moving beyond the type of relationship that is thwarting your positive personal growth. A positive sign of that is you walking away AFTER communicating to that person in a positive manner that it is time for you to move onto better things. You are demonstrating to him that you do not have to stoop to his level, even when walking away.

4) The way that a person treats those that are closest to them is the most telling in regards to that person's true nature. If they treat those closest to them like feces, then it is a pretty clear indication that this person really feels like feces. Hang around feces long enough you not only begin to smell like it, but you don't even recognize the smell as being disturbing any more.

5) You have already demonstrated that you can stand up for yourself by posting here. Do not mistake the positive change of choosing a healthier training environment for running away. Acting like a pinata, proves little beyond letting others know that you are willing to stay there and take a beating from them. That is a pursuit in masochism, not a sign of fortitude. This is not a situation of fight or flight. This is a situation of making a conscious choice in training in an environment that is physically and psychologically rewarding. You have toughed it out for four years! If that is not a sign of how tough you really are, then I don't know what else will be. Think of it like walking into a wall. How many times do you need to walk into that wall before you make a conscious choice to change directions?

Good Luck,

Marc Abrams
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