The most challenging life path I have ever consciously chosen: Motherhood. Second most challenging: Aikido. I keep at the second quest primarily to build my skills for handling the first.
I totally agree with the scared-out-of-her-mind assessment. Sometimes our kids being awful to us is evidence of our own love: they know exactly
who is going to be there for them when they are at their worst.
Even though your husband is right about "letting go" - I personally find it extremely difficult to "let go" of the only two people on the planet with whom I have actually shared a body at one point. So I am right there with you. I look at them and remember hearing their heartbeats for the first time, the long and painful right of passage that is childbirth, first words, first steps, first days of kindergarten - on and on and on. How do I let go of that? I can't, I hold it all in my heart every minute of every day.
Maybe the irimi is more applicable than the tenkan for you right now; the blend is what allows us to be compassionate.
Thank you for the frank and thoughtful column, and good luck to your daughter as she navigates the choppy waters of young adulthood. My intuition is that she will be just fine, and so will you.