Janet macaby (Janet5) wrote:
I have decided that I do not want to change the way my relationship is now with Sensei.
mle, too lazy to log out and be herself:
Janet, I'm gonna have an 80s moment.. thank you for sharing.
This is a real spectre in the world of teaching and training, what has been called the Svengali complex, that is, you fall for someone who is shaping you, has power over you somehow.
I could blather inaccurately about transference, but that's Lynn Seiser's territory so I'll hold off.
It's just very common to develop strong feelings in such intimate and intense surroundings. In fact, some think it the meat and potatoes of the experience. I have always been mad about my instructors, in choosing someone you click with you take the risk of losing your heart for a little while.
Concentrate on this: there is a third thing which is more important than the simple emotions of any two people, and that is the art itself. To pass it on is, in a way, an act of creation... one of my instructors told me that Ki was transmitted by sweat, and the other would simply bounce me around the mat after three hours of training until I was limp and mumbling. Yeah, that's sexy. It's incredible. If you aren't getting what you need elsewhere in your life, it can really own you. So, become more complete... fill the holes inside- find them, own them, fill them.
You need to have someone you can throw yourself against until you break.
And yes, it's a love you will cherish until you die, but it's one borne under different parameters.
That said, I'll share some of my rules:
Get to know someone for a year before you consider a Relationship.
Never, ever, ever date an instructor until you have your own black belt wrapped around your waist. Some horrid little part of the mind thinks it can get power by associating with it (you get cooties just as often) I call it "rent-a-belt disease" and I've seen it happen too many times.
That said, I am married to my instructor.
It wasn't easy, it was in fact disastrous at times. I was not a member of his dojo, and the relationship came before the training.
Not until I moved to be with him did I start training with him, and it was agreed that I didn't have to train with him. Training is a major part of both our lives, a major part of who we are, and that's part of what brought us together.
Good luck to you- braver than most of us.