Keith sorry for the pain. Perhaps it is also an opening. This comes to mind:
I have thrown from me the whirling dance of mind
And stand now in the spirit's silence free,
Timeless and deathless beyond creature-kind,
The centre of my own eternity.
I have escaped and the small self is dead;
I am immortal, alone, ineffable;
I have gone out from the universe I made,
And have grown nameless and immeasurable.
My mind is hushed in a wide and endless light,
My heart a solitude of delight and peace,
My sense unsnared by touch and sound and sight,
My body a point in white infinities.
I am the one Being's sole immobile Bliss:
No one I am, I who am all that is.
For the pain of awakening people used to go to an ashram to let the experience unfold. Yes it hurts and perhaps there is a reason that is not seen - yet.
The kabbalah approaches it in this way:
The science of Kabbalah explains that there is no perceptible reality at all outside us. We influence nothing outside us because we perceive nothing outside us. Outside us, there is only constant Upper Light. The entire world is within us, and we feel that we are influenced from the outside because we are created this way.
If we exit our world, we begin to see how the Upper Light gives birth to ever newer pictures of the world within us. This entire world then becomes small and restricted. We see how the Upper Light determines the way we perceive ourselves and the environment, and we ultimately begin to control this process.
The stories I have read of those who slipped the bounds of everyday reality all describe something unlike anything we had ever imagined.
Enjoy your tea and explore.