Re: I think I'm feeling burnout or worse. I am seriously considering walking away.
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. They have given me a great deal to think about and they have had the desires effect on me by getting me out of my own personal feedback loop. I realized that I wrote the original message when my thoughts and feelings were muddled. Here is where I am at so far:
I am definitely suffering burnout. This is associated with a lot of misdirected anger. I realized that I hurt all the time because I train all the time. I'm going to dramatically cut my hours after my test. I took one day off last week with no explicit reason and the feeling of relief it gave me was amazing. I felt as though I was in control of my life again.
While I enjoy the rough training, I do feel that it has become recklessly hard. Between the high heat training and some of the recent classes, I am worried somewhat for my safety.
Misogi really bothers me. It is a rigorous religious ritual that is meant to induce a certain state of mind and it's crossing a personal boundary for me. We talk in the dojo of the importance of embracing that which is uncomfortable to allow for growth but I don't really want any part of this.
Tomorrow I am going to speak to a senior student about my concerns, see what she says, and take it from there.
Thank you all again for helping me to sort out what I think and feel so I can communicate my concerns clearly to myself and others.