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Old 11-16-2009, 01:28 PM   #40
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 50
Re: The Martial Art of Difficult Conversations

Mark Murray wrote: View Post
That is probably one of the worst examples I've read. And it conveys the notion of what, I think, is going wrong in this country. have to disagree, my friend. what is going wrong in this country (and almost every other) is the increasing acts of violence and anger in society; and it is caused by the modern lifestyle people have living under the 'ideals' of capitalism; it puts a lot of pressure on people. and they are getting angry not because of this example, but in spite of it.

1. First, the neighbor used property that wasn't hers but believed that she had a right to use it. yes.

2. She justified #1 by it happening only rarely. It's okay that she can use other people's property without their consent or notice as long as it's only rarely.yes

3. She blamed her wrong actions on the neighbors, who were the victims."victims", yes

4. Emotionalism is okay and we have to "empathize" with people, even when what they've done is completely wrong. We have to be "understanding". not really. it depends on what you mean by "have to be".

5. As long as her intentions were good, her neighbors should have bent over backwards to let her do what she wanted. As long as her intentions were good, standing straight would be fine. less pressure on the lower back that way.

6. It's okay to not tell the other person what you're doing with their property. They should be okay with whatever you want to do. no, but i would have waited for a 'different' time to present my views.

Now, as to the actions by the married couple. How about these instead.

1. Irimi. The husband should have walked in with the phone and told her if she didn't quiet down and behave respectfully, he was dialing 9-1-1. That she can talk about what happened, but in an adult manner. trouble with this approach is that you expect the person to make a logical choice, when clearly, the person is already emotional, and hence, illogical. The person was however, at that moment, not a threat to life or property. She was, at worst, merely an annoying irritation.

As an aside, it is *amazing* how people (normal, not criminals or domestic disputes) calm down when they realize that law enforcement is going to get involved. I've had quite a few "road rage" drivers in front of me driving insanely, veering, braking, etc, etc. I make sure they see me in their rear view mirror, I pick up the cell phone, pretend to hit three numbers, and start talking while looking at their license plate. I mime their license and voila -- they suddenly start driving sanely again. dude, seems like you run into quite a few 'angry' drivers on a regular basis. any particular reason why they would be 'drawn' to you? glad you dont get into any trouble though. drive safe...

2. Tenkan. Ask why she didn't leave a note. Explain that had the note been left, the whole situation would have turned out completely differently. People can be "understanding" when they're informed of a situation. It was late and with no information as to what was going on, they were left with no options. i guess i would just differ with you on the timing issue.

3. Blending. Tell her that she is a good neighbor and if they would have known of the very special circumstances, other arrangements could have been made, even that late at night. They wouldn't have had the car towed had they known it was her son's.
of course, agreed. that's why i'm surprised why you didnt seem to go with his 'solution'. seems like he just blended at a different 'angle' than yours.

Final note. Think about this. Because the married couple capitulated and apologized, some neighbors might have sued them to pay for the towing fees. some neighbours might have have sued them even if they had not apologised. and in the absence of a recording device, where's the proof? and it's 2 against 1. besides, any decent snake (lawyer) would be able to 'spin' the meaning of the apology.

The only thing this article did was to teach people how to roll over, be submissive, and play good little doggie when someone takes their bone. m'friend....the only bone that exist is the 'imaginary' one that we make up. everyday, in life, some people experience someone else cutting them off on the road, and ...its 'hey, he took my bone!", or when they are walking to work on a narrow walkway and somebody is coming the opposite way; dont give way cause "he aint gonna take my bone!" or some 'big-deal' life changing event along those lines. and i dont know how 'a good little doggie' came into this story but there is a subtle difference between passive and submissive.

A perfectly horrible example of "aikido" outside the mat.

i think a horrible example would be if the situation had escalated to a point where the law had to be called in. then you may have criminal trespassing charges, and various other legal entanglements etc and if it got physical,you'd have physical abuse/criminal intimidation charges; and the 'participants' if they are lucky, will have only minor bruises & wounds.

an excellent example of 'aikido', outside the mat, would be where the perceived 'aggressor' and the 'aggresies', who could have ended up hating or/and hurting each other, instead went for dinner together. and the neighbour sounds like she's buying too, great stuff! in my humble opinion, this is an example of 'perfect' aikido.

p/s- and lest someone accuses me of "pseudo-psychologizing of a very amateurish kind", this is just my 2 cents.

p/s- mark, wish i could write more now but it's late and i have to go sleep. i hope to comment again soon. cheers, man!

Last edited by ksy : 11-16-2009 at 01:43 PM.
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