I have been training for a long time. In the last few years I have had growing doubts about the place of aikido in my life and its value as a practice. When I hear about "the life-giving sword" etc, I feel a bit sick. I doubt the philosophy, I don't think controlling people "for their own good" is a great goal, I don't want to fight anymore by whatever name. Aikido has been so important to me in the past, just wondering if anyone else has been through this and stuck with it, and if so what happened...
I think the source for your current situation is a fact that you have some kind of 'philosophy' of aikido as a prerequisite step before techniques. I believe it is huge mistake, very common in Califonia.
Instead you have to have 'empty mind' (from this kind of misleading prejudges) and let the actual aikido techniques create a certain understanding of aikido.
If you really practice for long time, you have to learn now from a student of O sensei.