Hi. I wasn't asking a question of "right" or "wrong." It's a matter of how one frames or defines what one does.
If one frames aikido as being about controlling another, decides that this is not congruent with one's values, then aikido is not congruent with one's values.
My question was meant to open the larger issue of: how do YOU define aikido and why you are doing it? Because I think this is the crux of the, if you will, existential crisis you are experiencing with your training.
And my point is, we ALL go through this and all the things you ask about (books, teachers, etc) have been used by individuals and can be a help, but ulitimately it is an internal question only you can answer.