I know what I should be doing but I'm just not buying into the "budo is love" thing like I need to.
Alright, I'm throwing this out there with my usual "I'm a young person new to aikido" caveat.
The shihan at my previous dojo used to joke with us sometimes and say "with all my love" as he completed a technique with a pin. We'd kind of laugh, because that statement always led directly to temporary pain and a tap out, which was ironic and funny.
But - if you put that in the context of a bar fight or something, where that pin, albeit temporarily painful, might prevent someone from doing something stupid and maybe going to jail, you could construe the pin, and the pain that accompanied it, as an act of love. Maybe it's a more enlightened, more evolved interpretation of the "take 1 life to save 100" philosophy.
I'd like to hear other's thoughts on this. I personally don't think you're at the point of "going over to the dark side." Love doesn't have to be a group hug.