CorkyQ

Thanks Dan and Lori for your responses.

For me, the answer to things like this is what aikido is about, because it is our connecting and entering that quells disharmony before it erupts into behavior with lasting negative consequences. In that regard Lori, I think you touched on how I would respond to Dan's question.

We tend to live self-absorbed lives, and it seems clear that this man and this child were living in kind of a world unto themselves until someone finally noticed. In our practice of aikido, don't we seek to maintain our connection, stay attentive to our partners, and blend with them in such a way that they don't come to harm. In a way we are constantly in a jiu waza randori in life, but as most of life's "attacks" have minimal negative consequences we tend to avoid rather than connect, bully who we can (even if in the softest way possible), and not bother with things that don't seem to have any relevance to our lives - yet.

Just image if there was, in this sensei's dojo, members who were more attentive in a connected way to either or both this teacher and his young student. My guess is that it wouldn't have gotten to the point of 85 progressively intimate emails - it wouldn't have even gotten to the first rumblings of sexual interest without someone saying something.

But what we tend to do is not notice that the teacher is giving a little extra attention to the young female student, not bother to stick around after class to help lock up the dojo, not approach our teacher with interest (non-accusational), not cultivate our intuition about things we would rather not have color our lives.

We have to face certain facts about living, and those are that largely we have no control over other people and what they do. But we can strive to take the things we learn in the dojo off the mat and into our lives. If our aikido is about self-defense, it will be rather limited, but if we can make our aikido about service to the world, as I believe was Osensei's intention, we can open our hearts to the world and be involved from a place of non-judgmental understanding that good people can be tempted to do bad things.

Someone can notice that the teacher and student are getting close, someone can say something about an article he or she read about some coach or teacher getting cozy with a student and how that disrupted lives, someone can not go home after practice to stay in the dojo until the lights are out, or take the time to volunteer to teach or help the kids' class. The key word is involvement. The teacher is going to recognize through the lack of "alone-time" with this student, through the non-intimate interest that other students and instructors show to the young female student, through having the void in the teacher's life that leaves an opening for this kind of seed to grow filled, that whatever feelings he may be developing will not be cultivated.

I always think of Terry Dobson's famous story on the train and how the old man made it his point to reach out non-judgmentally to the drunk and offer a connection so that the man's fundamental need could be met. This surely is the highest goal of aikido.

Lori, in reflecting on your son's situation, you mentioned that the guys think it's cute, and you even alluded to the idea you find it cute as well - and yeah it is kind of cute. But obviously the response has reinforced the behavior. Avoiding the situations where he might have a chance to do this though is a way of avoiding the problem instead of dealing with it.

The most fortunate aspect of your son's situation is that he is currently old enough to get away with it! But sooner or later he is going to grab the butt of someone who doesn't think it is so cute. I assume you have told him that he is touching people in an inappropriate way and that many people will have a very different response, and also when he gets positive acknowledgement from the guys that even though everyone got a kick out of it, that it really is inappropriate with an honest heartfelt explanation of why an invasion into someone's personal space is not respectful.

I'm not Dear Abby, but I bet if you made this sincere connection with him and anyone around who may be unwittingly encouraging him every time he does it, that he will stop, and probably after the first time. From my own experience as a father, when my kids did some thing that was embarassing my first reaction was to ignore it and hope it didn't happen again or skirt around the point or something else un-aikido like. But as I gain in my understanding of connection, I have realized how unabashed, non-judgmental honesty and understanding works wonders in creating harmony.

I realize that there wasn't specific calls for beheading over this incident, I was responding more to the lack of compassion in the form of callousness I saw generally in some posts. As you pointed out, Lori, this man's mistake has consequences of the highest magnitude, and he will suffer and is suffering as much as the thirteen-year-old girl has and will.

I think that one of the most amazing shows of compassion was Gandhi's refusal to condemn Hitler (while condemning his actions), because, as he stated, he understood that he had the same capacity within himself for the same actions. That he had the strength to deny that kind of evil made him no more worthy of compassion than Hitler, in his eyes. I expect that Osensei had that same level of spiritual understanding.