Nick Pagnucco

I've had many problems, so I sympathize.

I overheard one of my senior students in my dojo saying once that one thing he gets out of aikido is its teaching him how to harness and focus his aggression, as opposed to just unleashing it and trying to knock down anything in his path.

I've had the exact opposite problem / solution: aikido is teaching me how to be more assertive. Aikido is teaching me to relax in conflict, etc, etc, etc... many good but stock budo phrases. Unfortunately, its also a problem that actively resists its own correction. I need to reach out for help & assistance, something I have a very hard time doing. Its more natural for me to just try to avoid making any major mistakes publicly.

most of my problems in aikido come back to this, which I think is a version of fear. I'm better than I was when I started, but I need to get much better. As I go up in kyu ranks, there's an expectation that I can handle stronger throws and do technique better. Unless I want to stagnate, I need to become more assertive, both in my technique and in my behavior in the dojo.

My major help in this has been personal connections to others in the dojo. There are people I know and trust, and that makes it easier to reach out for help. The more I learn, the less I worry about screwing up or what I dont know. I'm still waiting for it to hit critical mass, though, where finding help and reaching out becames my natural tendency, rather than a struggle.