Wow, lots of great discussion!
I like what George Ledyard has to say for sure!
To add further. I believe intent is everything when considering violence. However, after reading several of these points i'd like to clarify.
I may have the intent to train hard, and what I call Honest, which is defined as intense and good/controlled attacks. My uke on the other hand may be not wanting to train this way. It may be because he/she is really not skilled or comfortable enough to handle it, or it may be that they are using it as an excuse to not train outside of their comfort zone.
the latter I have no time for. I train hard and serious when I train. I do not wish to study with the proverbial "aikibunnies" that do it to feel good about themselves and only want to surround themselve with like minded people that tell them how good their posture and ukemi is while giving each other easy/polite techniques and ukemi.
So while my intent may be honest and true, the aikibunny may not be so honest in true in their approach and projects onto me their dishonesty in which I get labeled "violent or too hard". I have no ill will to hurt them or injure them, but only to train hard, their dishonesty with the situation is what causes the harm.
so it works both ways IMHO.
If someone is really not comfortable working at a certain skill level, that is one thing, but hiding behind the hakama is something entirely different.