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Steven 11-19-2004 03:15 PM

Important Health Information
 
IMPORTANT HEALTH INFORMATION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, a green leafy vegetable. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal or mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.,

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans. another vegetable!!! "It's the best feel-good food around!" Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie...

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. Italians and French drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

aikidoc 11-19-2004 04:18 PM

Re: Important Health Information
 
Your first one was funny. I had a friend in California (ex-marine, naval academy grad) that called that the Admiral Rickover finite heart beat theory. You have a finite number of heart beats and you want to avoid anything that increases the speed at which your heart beats or you'll die younger. :D

Taliesin 11-25-2004 07:42 AM

Re: Important Health Information
 
Do American's speak English then. Becasue your President doesn't appear to (sorry couldn't resist)

Thomas Ambrose 12-04-2004 03:28 PM

Re: Important Health Information
 
President Bush has not yet had a heart attack... that I know of...

Some of his underlings have... but they tend to speak "better" English than he does...

bryce_montgomery 12-12-2004 12:03 AM

Re: Important Health Information
 
Quote:

Thomas Ambrose wrote:
President Bush has not yet had a heart attack... that I know of...

No...he just faints while eating pretzels...damn those vegetables...

Sue Hammerich 12-12-2004 01:41 PM

Re: Important Health Information
 
Quote:

Bryce Montgomery wrote:
No...he just faints while eating pretzels...damn those vegetables...


Now THAT'S funny...becareful, tho, lest he think you are up to "terroristical-like" activites

Niadh 12-12-2004 02:02 PM

Re: Important Health Information
 
Quote:

Bryce Montgomery wrote:
No...he just faints while eating pretzels...damn those vegetables...

I believe by the original theory, pretzels would fit in the grains catagory. (Grin)

bryce_montgomery 12-13-2004 02:56 PM

Re: Important Health Information
 
My bad... :crazy:
I didn't want the CIA to think that I was smart enough to have to take out...gotta worry about those feds* *looks cautiously behind himself and begins walking unobtrusively* :confused: You never know where they are gonna be...like SEALs...they could get you from through the toilet... :dead:

Bryce

malsmith 02-12-2005 01:58 PM

Re: Important Health Information
 
thats the most ridiculous thing ive ever heard.... and honestly i dont think anyone in the us government cares about aikido or looks on our forums.

mj 02-12-2005 04:54 PM

Re: Important Health Information
 
Quote:

Mal Smith wrote:
thats the most ridiculous thing ive ever heard.... and honestly i dont think anyone in the us government cares about aikido or looks on our forums.

You're obviously the government plant then. :confused:

Charles 02-13-2005 07:40 AM

Re: Important Health Information
 
* Actually, I think that it is true that we only have a set number of heart beats to spend. Regular CV exercise might double your heart rate for an hour or two, but it lowers your resting heart rate. At the end of the day you've spent fewer beats. Those who exercise too infrequently don't lower the resting rate and do shorten their lives. Likewise, those who over train don't lower their resting rate enough to compensate and also shorten their life.

* I heard on Public Radio, just the other day, that chocolate itself without added sugar and fats is one of the healthiest things to eat on the planet.

DaveO 02-13-2005 06:29 PM

Re: Important Health Information
 
Quote:

Charles Scheid wrote:
* I heard on Public Radio, just the other day, that chocolate itself without added sugar and fats is one of the healthiest things to eat on the planet.

...but not nearly so satisfying. :D
I eat a box of 'Heathy Choice' chocolate a day - I'm gonna live to 200!! :D :D

Tim Gerrard 02-16-2005 02:33 AM

Re: Important Health Information
 
Yeah, I heard that a couple of glasses of red wine a day can increase your life expectancy.
I'm off to drink myself into immortality...
:freaky:

billybob 02-16-2005 11:07 AM

Re: Important Health Information
 
Mom said if I kept doing 'that' i'd go blind - I said "Mom, if that was true, I'd already be nearsighted"

Billybob

E.D. Gordon 02-17-2005 02:23 PM

Re: Important Health Information
 
Quote:

David Chalk wrote:
Do American's speak English then. Becasue your President doesn't appear to (sorry couldn't resist)

Dialects exist in the States, as in Norfolk or Yorkshire.

He does this preverbal crap because he doesn't know where he's from.

Despite claims of being Texan, he was born in Connecticut and moved to Midland when he was 3.

In Texas, this don't make you no Texan.

Anything else, is a denial of biology and logic.
You gotta come outta yer Mama in Texas, to be a Texan.
If ya ain't honest about it, yer a damn liar.

Do you trust such a delusional, overly-dialect-coached, newly-ranched, golf-cart-riding, LBJwannabeeMF?

I never, ever did.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Actual Texan
Five Generations and left for the Continent,

mle
yeah, I can prove it. Care enough to ask? Not me, him. I'm not that interesting.

postscript: had a British schoolteacher for two years, IN TEXAS, and can speak proper English, at that...

E.D. Gordon 02-17-2005 02:36 PM

Re: Important Health Information
 
Quote:

Steven Miranda wrote:
IMPORTANT HEALTH INFORMATION

Hmmm.. *bites tongue* no "right" way here...

Quote:

Steven Miranda wrote:
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

No, and if you say it is, it will be very bad for YOU...

Quote:

Steven Miranda wrote:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. Italians and French drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Actually, it's cars that kill you.

Not by impact, but by lack of it.

That is, becoming a legless worm due to having a car, and forgetting that the grocery is a pleasant stroll away.

This is why Europe is outliving the mallified USA. They have functional legs, and use them.

mle
drinking wine, nibbling chocolate, and planning her next stroll

bryce_montgomery 02-17-2005 03:51 PM

Re: Important Health Information
 
Hey...we walk in America!...

I mean, you gotta go to the crapper sometimes in the middle of the night...

Bryce

Taliesin 02-18-2005 09:07 AM

Re: Important Health Information
 
Emily

Unfortunately, Americans far more than any other nationality on earth are judged by their President and if he set the standard you've got a real problem. Although it's nothing a DEMOCRATIC ELECTION couldn't fix.


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