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Chantal 11-10-2009 05:20 PM

only a man would do this ;) be prepared to laugh t'ill you cry
 
wanted to share an email I recently received ...

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived,with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the> button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner,my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD !! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor..

A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

Have a good one. Hope you enjoyed this ... I still laugh when I read it .. :)

Rob Watson 11-10-2009 06:25 PM

Re: only a man would do this ;) be prepared to laugh t'ill you cry
 
Quote:

Chantal Amyotte wrote: (Post 245260)
'don't do it dipshit,'

Ho hum, just another day at work. Now, where did I put that super strength OC spray ... wakes ya right up!

FYI: It comes in pink, too http://www.officerstore.com/store/ca....cfm?cid=20125

Technically, stun gun - not taser.

Abasan 11-10-2009 07:27 PM

Re: only a man would do this ;) be prepared to laugh t'ill you cry
 
In ain't the batteries friend, its the transformer in there that you should watch out for. Beware the home made versions as well. I know some dudes who doubled up their transformer capacity.

Michael Hackett 11-10-2009 09:47 PM

Re: only a man would do this ;) be prepared to laugh t'ill you cry
 
Unfortunately I've known several officers who bought the original "stun gun" hand-held device when they first came out and did exactly what was described. Almost invariably they tried it on their right outer thigh and down they'd go. While they wouldn't cop to it, their wives were pretty quick to share the story.

My favorite along these lines is supposedly true. It seems an Alaskan bush pilot took a couple to a remote location for fishing and warned them of the danger of bears, big bears, big bears with big teeth. He made sure they had a large canister of bear repellent which is actually pepper spray.

He took off, leaving them there for a week, but something urged him to take one last fly around before he headed back to civilization. As he did, he saw the man rolling around on the ground without any control. He quickly landed the plane and sure enough, the couple thought the bear repellent was like bug spray - he asked her to spray him down and then he would spray her down. They never got to her turn.

Now if this ain't true, it oughta be!

Pauliina Lievonen 11-11-2009 03:51 AM

Re: only a man would do this ;) be prepared to laugh t'ill you cry
 
Comment from my oh so logical husband: "Wouldn't it be more sensible to try it on the salesman?"

:uch: :rolleyes: :D
kvaak
Pauliina

dps 11-11-2009 06:46 AM

Re: only a man would do this ;) be prepared to laugh t'ill you cry
 
Quote:

Chantal Amyotte wrote: (Post 245260)
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived,with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

A loving husband looking out for his wife's well being, wanting to make sure it was functional in case she had to use it someday. If the wife was buying it she would have been worried about the color and did it look cute.

Good thing he wasn't buying her a gun.

David

jss 11-11-2009 07:16 AM

Re: only a man would do this ;) be prepared to laugh t'ill you cry
 
Quote:

David Skaggs wrote: (Post 245294)
A loving husband looking out for his wife's well being, wanting to make sure it was functional in case she had to use it someday. If the wife was buying it she would have been worried about the color and did it look cute.

/me grabs the beer and the popcorn in anticipation of the accusations of sexism. :cool:

ninjaqutie 11-11-2009 11:53 AM

Re: only a man would do this ;) be prepared to laugh t'ill you cry
 
That's great! HAHA.

lbb 11-14-2009 06:06 AM

Re: only a man would do this ;) be prepared to laugh t'ill you cry
 
Quote:

Joep Schuurkes wrote: (Post 245296)
/me grabs the beer and the popcorn in anticipation of the accusations of sexism. :cool:

Why bother? He's condemned out of his own mouth. It only remains to be seen how this practice of making derogatory comments is tolerated on aikiweb.

Eric Winters 11-14-2009 10:26 AM

Re: only a man would do this ;) be prepared to laugh t'ill you cry
 
I find it interesting that someone would have a problem with David's sexist remarks but not about the sexist title of the thread.

P.S. I still think the story is very funny and was not offended by the title.

Linda Eskin 11-14-2009 01:43 PM

Re: only a man would do this ;) be prepared to laugh t'ill you cry
 
Quote:

Mary Malmros wrote: (Post 245527)
Why bother? He's condemned out of his own mouth. It only remains to be seen how this practice of making derogatory comments is tolerated on aikiweb.

To be fair, the comment was posted in response to "only a man would do this," which is derogatory in itself. If we're not going to tolerate sexism, let's be even-handed about it.

I'm just glad my electric fence is only 40,000 volts, and just snaps you good once (courtesy of a solar charger, motorcycle battery, and capacitor). It's plenty bad enough, thanks.

Chantal 11-14-2009 03:48 PM

Re: only a man would do this ;) be prepared to laugh t'ill you cry
 
I clearly said at the beginning of this thread "wanted to share an email I recently received" ... I dod not choose the title to the email nor the comments or "sexual sterotypes" within it ... I thought it was a funny email as when i read it, I could picture my brother in law pulling a stunt like that ... I literally laughed t'ill I cried ... along with my sister .. when we read it. C'mon ... it's a funny story "sterotypically sexist" or not ... it must have made you chuckle a little.

respectfully,

Guilty Spark 11-14-2009 04:03 PM

Re: only a man would do this ;) be prepared to laugh t'ill you cry
 
Quote:

Mary Malmros wrote: (Post 245527)
Why bother? He's condemned out of his own mouth. It only remains to be seen how this practice of making derogatory comments is tolerated on aikiweb.

Damn right!
There is NO room for that type of language or sexisim here.
Bans all around.
Also, no more using words such as manhole cover, policeman or HIStory.

I volunteered to get tased by the police swat team in training. Awesome experience.

Chantal remind me to tell you the story about the guy at my work who used a taser on his partner during an intimate moment and the woman's reaction.

Kevin Leavitt 11-14-2009 04:33 PM

Re: only a man would do this ;) be prepared to laugh t'ill you cry
 
We conduct some of our combatives training (grappling) with tasers. It certainly changes the dynamic of the fight when you really don't want to get tased!

dps 11-15-2009 01:02 AM

Re: only a man would do this ;) be prepared to laugh t'ill you cry
 
I am sorry, I forgot to use the emoticons.:sorry:

A loving husband looking out for his wife's well being, wanting to make sure it was functional in case she had to use it someday.:)
If the wife was buying it she would have been worried about the color and did it look cute.:D

Good thing he wasn't buying her a gun.:D :D

There thats better.

David :)


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