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Fellow Aikido student. 01-15-2009 12:23 AM

Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
Don't know how many people this has happened to, but recently I have started to get a bit too "comfortable" with a girl at Aikido.
I really enjoy training with her, more so than with any other Uke. The main problem is I have started to develop feeling towards her and they are only getting stronger with time.
I find that the attraction is distracting me during my Aikido training and even at work and at home.

I am considering getting advice from my Sensei, not sure if telling the girl how I feel is appropriate. I don't want to loose what we already have.

Aikibu 01-15-2009 01:28 PM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
All I can say is trust your own heart. If your feelings and her feelings are genuine let nature take it's course. I know many happy couples that met in the dojo; and it's a blessing to able to share and enjoy something you both love together.

God Bless and Good Luck.

William Hazen

Marie Noelle Fequiere 01-15-2009 01:38 PM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
Awwwww.....This is so sweet.
Maybe training with her will force you to work on your concentration more. Just try to mentally "blank" her as you are practicing together. Then, after class, try chatting with her a little. See how she reacts. Work from there. Next month, there will be Valentine's day.....
My best wishes to both of you.;)

Neal Earhart 01-15-2009 02:17 PM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
I met my wife at the Dojo back in 1990...been married since 1995...

Good luck !

:-) 01-16-2009 07:19 PM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
I had a similar issue, it was hard at first and still is to an extent.
I have learnt to focus on other things, rather than trying not to think about the problem at hand.

Who knows, maybe in time things will work out.

Walter Martindale 01-17-2009 01:27 AM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
All of the above.
But if she says "No." - it means "No." and you must respect it and get over your attraction. She may be there to train and only to train. No doesn't mean maybe or ask again.

"Yes." on the other hand, can be a good thing if it lasts and lasts. However if it doesn't last it can be messy.
W

Fellow Aikido student 01-18-2009 07:51 PM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
Thanks for all the above advice.

I think I need to learn how to clear my mind and focus on what I am doing. I also need to be patient and not try to rush things or be too eager.

I think it has become obvious to her that I like her now, she has started to call me by little nick names (I won't say what they are so I can remain anonymous) and is talking to me more then before.

I don't want to be misreading the situation, she may simply enjoy my company. I would be happy to be friends with her as I enjoy being around her, but I'm not sure how I can ask her on a friendly date without it seeming like more than that.

If I can only get to know her more outside the dojo I can decide if I want to simply be friends or more than that.

Janet Rosen 01-18-2009 11:31 PM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
Why not try to get a few dojomates out after training for (beer, snack, coffee as appropriate) including her in the group? "Safer" than just asking her out alone in terms of you feeling you don't want to step over that line yet.

James Davis 01-19-2009 11:06 AM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
It's just a question. Ask. It's better that you know than wonder about it for the rest of your life. I know how much rejection can hurt, but it sure beats feeling like a coward after you pass up your chance.

If you go the route of inviting her out with friends, there is the small chance that she makes apparent her feelings for someone else in attendance. Practice keeping your center, and your poker face.;)

When it comes to women, we don't have to be scared, just obedient. :D

DonMagee 01-19-2009 12:34 PM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
I'd do a bad technique. If she stops you and tells you it was horrible, then it is love :-) If she falls down anyways, then it was never meant to be.

Just kidding. But there is never any harm in going for it. You only ever live once.

Fellow Aikido student 01-19-2009 08:39 PM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
lol, I do allot of bad techniques, not on purpose though. She does correct me on occasions, but generally I think she is amused by my clumsiness as she is a bit clumsy as well.

She is also amused when she inflicts pain on me during a technique. I don't mind, I just give back as much as I receive.
The funny thing is I miss the pain when other people do soft techniques on me.

As for asking her how she feels about me, I am a bit shy, so that is a hard thing for me to do. I just hope I can build up the courage to do so before I loose my mind.

Jeff Sodeman 01-20-2009 12:41 AM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
I'm also married to someone I met on the mat.

Fellow Aikido student 01-22-2009 08:02 PM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
I am treating this issue as a great way to develop my patience, as I am letting nature take its course and not pushing things too hard at the moment.

Two months ago I found it hard to talk to her, now we talk more openly and she has also broken the touch barrier, and places her hand on my arm or shoulder when saying hello or goodbye.

We have developed a good harmony in training and I hope this can translate to outside the dojo.

Carpe diem

Ron Tisdale 01-23-2009 08:35 AM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
Quote:

We have developed a good harmony in training
Gotta love keiko...

B,
R :)

gdandscompserv 01-23-2009 08:41 AM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
Quote:

Anonymous User wrote: (Post 223919)
and places her hand on my arm or shoulder when saying hello or goodbye.

And good atemi.:D

phitruong 01-23-2009 10:33 AM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
Quote:

Ricky Wood wrote: (Post 223925)
And good atemi.:D

only work if he doesn't know how to deal with katate-dori menuchi. a much better approach would be katate-dori lean-her-face-in-close-and-headbutt to beat all romantic notion out of him. of course if he can counter that with an uchimata then he's back in the romantic business. but then she would counter with yoko sutemi, then he would be head-over-heel in love. :D

Eric Webber 01-25-2009 07:13 PM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
Some things to consider are what impact will it have on your aikido practice, the dojo and the other person's training?

When I've dated someone at the dojo I've kept strict rules that we are aikidoka on the mat, and that our personal relaionship cannot affect that as it may get dangerous (loss of focus, concentration, getting sloppy with technique due to starry eyes or firey eyes, depending how the previous night went...). I am just a bit cautious about this sort of thing b/c of the overall impact it tends to have on all parties.

That being said, there is nothing wrong with sharing with the indicated girl an interest in getting to know her off the mat, perhaps coffee, beer, or some other personal activity that allows you to chat without it necessarily being a "date," which can help with the shyness factor.

Best of luck, let us know how it works out!

...okay - curiousity has the best of me - is she your junior or senior student and by how much (i.e. time, rank, etc.)?

Fellow Aikido student 01-26-2009 05:33 PM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
She has been at the Dojo about 3 years longer than I have. I don't want to say too much otherwise I will no longer remain anonymous.

As for the "starry eyes" and the distraction, that has already started. I think that I am more distracted when not training with her then I am when we train together.

On several occasions I have subtly tried to avoid her during tanning, but we still always end up partners at least once, and more then often two or three times in the same class.

I must admit that when I train with her I feel on top of the world, and If I had my way I would always train with her, but it is encouraged to train with a large cross section of students at our Dojo.

P.S. She seems to be less subtle in indicating that she likes me lately. I have to do or say something soon before this gets out of hand. (I may just be imagining things)

phitruong 01-26-2009 07:27 PM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
Quote:

Anonymous User wrote: (Post 224080)

On several occasions I have subtly tried to avoid her during tanning,

Freudian slip? :D

wonder if there is a ukemi for Freudian slip?

Guilty Spark 01-27-2009 06:49 AM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
Not a big fan of Dojo romances. It's nice to see and hear from people who have married someone the met on he mat, a close friend of mine who was a white belt ended up marrying a black belt (who was13 when they met).

It's good when things go well. It's horrible when they don't. I fell victim to the latter.

Best advice I can give is keep it off the mat. Hide it. If the both of you do decide to pursue anything then don't let on about it at the Dojo at all.

Stanley Archacki 01-27-2009 10:58 AM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
Be careful that you don't get to a point that you're going to Aikido practice just to see her. That's not good for anyone involved, and if it becomes obvious to the other students or your sensei, I would think it is disrespectful to the dojo, even if everyone else is too polite to say anything.

If you can make things happen off the mat, best of luck to you. But remember, Aikido is not about you. Don't draw undue attention to yourself.

James Davis 01-27-2009 11:45 AM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
Dude, just ask her to dinner as a classmate. If things go well, ask her out on a date.

Or just give up and be scared.

One of these courses of action is guaranteed to not get you what you desire.

Roll the dice, or leave the casino.

nonhuman 01-27-2009 08:18 PM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
I met an inspiring girl mate at Dojo. Don't miss the opportunity. Take what has been offered. While you waste time, instead of acting on the attraction, someone else might not be so insecure. She doesn't know you like her, grasshopper.

:-) 01-28-2009 06:24 AM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
A girl I like at my Dojo keeps getting closer to me and it is becoming more obvious. I try to talk to her after class but she always leaves in a hurry and I don't see her before she goes.

I feel like the guy in the Police song Don't Stand So Close To Me.
On one hand I lust for her, but on the other hand I feel as though it is inappropriate to do so on the mats, and find myself stuck in a complex situation.

I would like to get to know her outside Aikido and keep it off the mats, but I am only human after all and it is hard to suppress my feelings for her when I am close to her.

Lauren 01-28-2009 10:09 PM

Re: Romantic Feelings for a Girl at the Dojo
 
Do your loins ache for her? I practiced with a girl last year who I lusted for also. My loins actually ached for her. Her hot breath on my neck was like an aphrodisiac.

I tried to keep it off the mats but the attraction was mutual and we took it too far. It was at Ryukyu Kempo Academy. That's all I can say legally.


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