Everything that has a beginning...
"Harsh realities clash against a frail mind in the midst of utter internal chaos. The "challace" that is the inner-most core of ones self trying to be put back together, but is broken once more." -Troy Copes
This is how I feel everytime I go to work. Aikido has helped me alot in saving my life from my place of employment, but it just isn't enough. I have some bad habits (non-drug related, but as addicting as anything else, and sekf eroding). I try to quit. And it works for a few days, then evil tries to lure me back in; and another battle is lost. All of my life, I've walked the narrow line between myself, and my unknown self. Trying to keep myself in check is becomming harder. Meditation, what used to be my only haven from evil, offers no longer sanctuary; my mind working the next move buzzes around like a wasp guarding a secret. I know that I am stronger than what I am; than who I am. When I am at the Dojo, I can feel deep within my inner-core, a power waiting to burst forth, but I am afraid. I am afraid of what might come... what might be after the transformation from self to SELF. I have anger that has gathered for 20 years, from schoolyard bullies, to close family being violated, to co-workers emotional abuse. I fear that it is the anger that is waiting to burst forth, and take over. But what if... What if it is actually my true power, my true TRUE SELF. Reforged through the power of Bushido and Aiki. What if, it will bring a calm to my being that I have so long searched for. What should I do? |
Re: Everything that has a beginning...
seek professional help
Aikido is not a replacement for therapy. |
Re: Everything that has a beginning...
You manifest your own mind, in my opinon. We are all capable of making ourselves happy and unhappy. It took me a long time to realize there is no reason to be unhappy. WE dont have much time on this panet. Why let your co-workers or others make it miserable for you? Are they that powerful? If you really belive they are, then you are only fooling yourself. We all live in paradise. We just have to realize it. :circle:
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Re: Everything that has a beginning...
Addiction and anger, IMHO, take a day off training and go talk to some one. You sound like you are confused and in pain. My compassion for the fight against our own demons.
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Re: Everything that has a beginning...
Quote:
I am the following nicknames on the following IM services: AIM: monsterland MSN: lastdoor@hotmail.com ICQ: 6667956 Maybe we should talk. |
Re: Everything that has a beginning...
Quote:
Bryce |
Re: Everything that has a beginning...
Not to be contrary but two years of aikido has done more for me than all the many years and games of therapist and pharmaceutical roulette that I have done in the past 40 years.
And that's saying a lot, coming from a recovering Anger Addict. |
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