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anunymis 09-07-2004 08:10 AM

Uncomfortable
 
There's a guy in my dojo who is making me feel really uncomfortable. He keeps coming up to me and saying rreally inappropriate things. And it especially bothers me because I"m only 15 and he is twenty something. Has anybody had this happen to them?

ruthmc 09-08-2004 10:43 AM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
Good grief! Go to your sensei and tell him / her IMMEDIATELY what you've just told the message boards. Harassment is harassment - all the worse because you are under 18 - and it is illegal.

If your instructor doesn't tell this guy to stay away from you, please stay away from him, and please also consider finding another place to train where that sort of behaviour is not tolerated.

If you feel strong enough to confront your harasser (which you must do in public), ask him if he realises that you are only 15 and tell him that you find his comments highly inappropriate.

Nobody has the right to treat you this way. Stand up for yourself and take action NOW!

Good luck, and please let us know how this situation works out for you.

Ruth

Janet Rosen 09-08-2004 11:16 AM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
Hi. I agree with Ruth.
1. Do not let yourself be maneuvered into a situation where you are alone with him.
2. Tell your instructor immediately. Also, if you have a good relationship with your mom or dad, and they won't just go ballistic and pull you from training, tell one one of them.
3. Most people like this are like bullies: they back off if firmly confronted. If you think you can do it: Direct eye contact, a level voice, good posture: I am 15 years old, I do not like being spoken to this way and you will stop it NOW. Don't be afraid if others hear this--it is all the better. It embarrasses him, not you! It's also ok if right now you feel you can't try this. Main thing is to let other, responsible adults know and get them to deal with it.
I remember being your age, and how isolating it could feel when somebody was like this jerk. Do reach out for assistance in dojo (and home if ok) and do let us know.

Greg Jennings 09-08-2004 11:25 AM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
Kick him in the balls
See his face turn purple and gag
Tell Sensei ev'rything

Cheers,

Matt Molloy 09-08-2004 11:27 AM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
What Ruth and Janet said. They're both talking sense.

You don't have to take this rubbish. Tell the Sensei, tell your mum and dad and tell this idiot to stay the hell away.

Go well and go safely.

Matt.

Edit. I'd also agree with Greg.

suren 09-08-2004 11:34 AM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
Way to go! A strong clap to both ears at once also works perfectly :hypno: !
Seriously, talk to your sensei and this probably will stop him at least in dojo. Try not to be alone when you come and leave the dojo just for case. If this continues outside of dojo, talk to your parents and depending on his seriousness they may choose to call police. That should calm him down.

aikidoc 09-08-2004 11:50 AM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
Most dojos have sexual harassment policies in place as part of a handbook or official policy (at least they should). It sounds like this is what is making you uncomfortable. I definitely agree you should let your sensei know immediately. There is also a possibility the person does not know his behavior is offensive -not that it is an excuse. You need to immediately let the person know you find his comments offensive the next time he interacts with you.

Greg Jennings 09-08-2004 03:11 PM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
What he's been trying
Makes of him a predator
Tell Sensei ev'rything

Youth is so precious
Keep the pepper spray at hand
'Case the jerk persists

No more haiku for awhile, I promise.

Regards,

shihonage 09-08-2004 03:17 PM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
Let him know that you're 15 first.
If he persists, report him.

Otherwise, he'll be able to use the "She looked 18, your honor !" line.

MadMyndi 09-08-2004 04:28 PM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
To answer your question... no, you're not the only one this kind of stuff has happened to. I've never had to deal with it in the dojo, but in other situations, yes. School, for example. And the first time I had to deal with it I was fourteen.

Here are some strategies that I used to successfully make the person stop harassing me:
- I told the person to quit with the comments
- I told my parents
- I wrote down everything that the person said or did, in a reporting style, with dates and times. I created a paper trail, so it wasn't just my word against his. I also wrote down when I first reported the problem to my teachers, and what their response was, so that they would be responsible, as well. That meant that they couldn't just claim not to know about the problem.
- I told the people in charge of the school

I'd try these first things first.

There have also been times when I've just left a situation. That's not a fair or satisfying response, but it got me out of what I perceived to be a dangerous situation.

I'll also agree that making a point of never being alone with this person is a good one. That helps prevent the situation from becoming physical.

And speaking of physical... if you did, say, kick the guy in the balls, or pepper spray him, you could be up on assault charges or kicked out of the dojo yourself. Don't go there over comments... he's not worth it.

Finally, it's not your fault. I think you've got that, but just in case, it's not your fault.

Please let us know how this plays out for you.

Good luck,

Marguerite Nightingale

anunymis 09-08-2004 07:38 PM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
Thanx for the advice. I will tell somebody and I will stay away from this guy. I'll keep you posted.

Marc Kupper 09-09-2004 12:16 AM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
Quote:

Thanx for the advice. I will tell somebody and I will stay away from this guy. I'll keep you posted.
Good luck and I'll second the advice given by nearly everyone. As Marguerite Nightingale noted, please take a minute to write down a list of each time this person bothered you (date, time, place, and a description of what was done/said) plus what you have done about it (what you told others or the person) and their reaction. This will help you explain what's happening as you talk to people and will also provide a good evidence trail should that be needed.

Most likely the people you talk to (your parents, the instructor at the dojo, etc.) will be very supportive of you. If they blow you off then please talk to a teacher or administrator at school, as they will know how to get the wheels in motion to get this stopped.

It's definitely not ok that someone is bothering you.

anunymis 09-10-2004 06:26 PM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
Well I did let this guy know I was 15 and what he was doing wasn't ok and unfortunately he didn't seem to care:( I haven't told anyone yet it's really hard to. I'm not really close enough to anybody but I know I have to.

Janet Rosen 09-10-2004 06:49 PM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
Hi. Please trust me on this: you don't have to feel emotionally close to somebody to tell them about this.It is NOT a "secret" that has to be whispered about or something very unusual: What this creep is doing to you is something that creeps do to women young and old every day in every part of the world (and I'm not a manhating woman; I've been happily married to a non-creep for 25 yrs!), so it is pretty common knowledge that there are guys like this and that it is NOT YOUR FAULT.
In my experience, guys like this actually expect that you will be too embarrassed to say anything. Time to defy expectations!
Start with either the instructor you take most of your classes with or with the chief instructor (in some dojos would be same person, in some not).

anunymis 09-10-2004 08:31 PM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
Quote:

Janet Rosen wrote:
Hi. Please trust me on this: you don't have to feel emotionally close to somebody to tell them about this.It is NOT a "secret" that has to be whispered about or something very unusual: What this creep is doing to you is something that creeps do to women young and old every day in every part of the world (and I'm not a manhating woman; I've been happily married to a non-creep for 25 yrs!), so it is pretty common knowledge that there are guys like this and that it is NOT YOUR FAULT.
In my experience, guys like this actually expect that you will be too embarrassed to say anything. Time to defy expectations!
Start with either the instructor you take most of your classes with or with the chief instructor (in some dojos would be same person, in some not).



I know, it still is hard though:(

aikidoc 09-10-2004 10:28 PM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
I realize you are young and this is hard, but if the guy just blew you off you need to tell someone as soon as possible. You do not know if he is a predator or whatever. At best he is an insensitive jerk. At worst he could be a pedophile. Inappropriate behavior should not be tolerated by anyone. I would talk to the sensei. He/she is responsible for the school and is in charge on the mat. I would also make sure your parents know and, if necessary, take them with you to tell the sensei.

anonymous2 09-11-2004 02:56 AM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
Your teacher would want to know. Tell him.

It's his business because it's his business and he has a right to know what's going on. Certainly, he would not want a student preying upon other students. Your teacher cares. Tell him.

BLangille 09-11-2004 07:06 AM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
Maybe it would be easier to speak to another female. Are there any senior female students or instructors you could go to?

aikidoc 09-11-2004 09:20 AM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
Brian's point is good. Other females may have also experienced this person's inappropriate behavior.

anunymis 09-11-2004 09:33 AM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
There is a female there I can tell:) It would make it easier. Good idea Brian:)

BLangille 09-11-2004 09:48 AM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
Great! Please keep us posted. Don't let some jerk ruin aikido for you. Hope everything works out.
Brian

anunymis 09-12-2004 10:10 PM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
So I finally told my sensei about what was going on. He had a meeting with the other blackbelts and dicussed this issue. After sensei confronted the guy he of course he denied it. But my sensei knew better and the guy decided to quit.:) Thanx everybody for the advice and the support;)

Marc Kupper 09-12-2004 10:40 PM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
Quote:

So I finally told my sensei about what was going on. He had a meeting with the other blackbelts and dicussed this issue. After sensei confronted the guy he of course he denied it. But my sensei knew better and the guy decided to quit.:) Thanx everybody for the advice and the support;)
Big :) Thats' really cool and best wishes for your training.

anunymis 09-12-2004 10:55 PM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
:D this is the most of smiled in the last week:D

Janet Rosen 09-13-2004 05:53 AM

Re: Uncomfortable
 
I'm so proud of you! Keep that positive spirit and courage on and off the mat and you'll be just fine.


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