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Two days ago I had my aikido practise as usual. Because I had to do my mid-term tests, I couldn't join any practise last week. Long time with no practise, my body gets clumsy [well, you're absolutely right, O-sensei... keiko [training] is a-must! ] A waza I practised that day is shomen-uchi irimi nage, together with two of my sempai: Sempai F and Sempai I.
With sempai I, I can execute irimi nage well without trouble. But with sempai F, I don't know why I can't. When he [sempai F] execute shomen-uchi, I just resisted. Our Ki was going into collision that caused my hand got hurt so much. Unlucky me, it happened many times until he got peevish.
"What are you doing?" he said. "Don't think too much about the technique. Look at my Ki, feel where my Ki will go."
"Okay," I said.
But it's not working. I just resisted again.
"Hey, don't resist me. It'll make your body get hurt," he said again. "Don't look at my hand, but at my eyes, make an eye contact that'll make musubi. Put your center tightly so that you can feel my Ki."
Well, it didn't work.
I said to sempai F, "I think I had executed the technique well."
"You know what?" he asked. "Your eyes are telling me that you are afraid. You're just eschewing from me."
That two words really hit my mind. Seems like he was trying to say that I'm so afraid to face the bitter truth of my life and eschewing it. Do not run from life's troubles. Aikido is not about run or eschewing problems [uchi]; you have to face them with courage. Receive those problems, then
It's been almost 2 years for me to practise aikido in dojo of my campus. Two years, for me, is not enough to get what I want from aikido. So busy with tasks and lessons I must do, it's so little time to get more practise. I feel very pity for that. What a wasted time.
So, one of my new year's resolution is to return practising aikido. It's hard because of my more-and-more heavy tasks and lessons, but... I like aikido. The more difficult I practise, the more I like aikido. Well, I'm not kind a of masochist anyway but I feel some 'comfortable' when I've been dropped as uke, ukemi rolling and nage snapping. I feel some 'exciting'. Feels like... aikido is calling me.