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Being of a natural tendancy towards thinking "I can't do it" it was hard to read the article about how self-doubt should be the basis of all martial training and of Aikido in particular.
But I spend all lesson having to remind my self not to mutter out loud "I can't do this", "this isn't working", "I'm doing this wrong" I thought, how can an extra helping of self-doubt help the proceedings?
Reading DV's more detailed explainations in the discussions of the essay and musing over my signature (the bit that says "we see things not as they are but as we are"), a picture began to form in my head.
"No Mind" it's one of my favourite bits in The Last Samurai when Katsumoto's son tells Nathan Algren "too many mind ... no mind". Having been told this, the Algren character switches to instinct mode and his reactions improve immeasurably.
By listening to the strident voice shouting "of course you can't do it, this is wrong, you started too late, you've missed sessions you'll never be any good at this [add any number of negative statements here!]" I am listening to my ego. It's just not the ego as we would normally recognise it.
An egotist is normally a person who's seen as being all mouth (and no trousers ... matron). A person who doesn't listen, who ignores Sensei's way of doing things and generally acts as if they know everything already.
Truth is...why the hell would I be an Aikido Goddess on barely 4 hours a week for 6 ish years? Furthermore, by listening to my inner voices chipping away at my self conf
I knew this point would come. The one where my Ukimi skills are what hold me back. We got a talk about how we need to be able to fall for Nage to have confidence in their own abilities. I had some major "sack of spuds" moments last night. BANG! Down on my lower back...not painful but winded and a bit stunned... not to mention very embarassed.
L has been helping My with her breakfalls so I can't really ask him to help...hmmm... who can I con into helping me? Maybe my fellow 2nd kyus (apart from My). D! That's it... I will offer my services as a pack horse and head tea maker for when his company moves... in return for him throwing me backwards a few times and maybe walking up my spine with expertly trained hands ... matron.
I think what I also need to do is practise with another club. If I can find the Ki Aikido group then I will have a third practice session during the week. I don't know how they would feel about an outsider who is very much loyal to her previous sensei taking lessons with them but I KNOW it would help and I wouild do anything I could to help them... Less pressure to learn the breakfall means I might learn quicker and if there are any techniques that help...
I'm regretting moving further from Bristol... It would have been great to pop down there for the odd Saturday morning. I love my club but I'm starting to get less sure about the association we're linked with... Maybe I'm just attracted (in my usual moth-like way) to the brighter ligh