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I had hoped to be able to continue with my training over the summer, however, between financial emotional and health issues I am unable to continue through with that goal. I work late nights which leaves me feeling slightly more then drained on the two days I actually have off. Not that I'm complaining. It pays the bills.
...I just miss Aikido.
That was the uplifting part of my week, after I got done with class, homework, work work and whatever else I had to do. There is a value in having this "hobby", to me more a life style change. I was happier and healthier when I trained.
Lessons learned as always. A lesson of taking things for granted, of thinking the "small" things are truly small when they matter almost as much as the bigger things. Now things are changing. I'm getting married and moving into a house with the man I love in a little under ten weeks.
Now I have a larger commitment. How do I balance marriage and Aikido, as both are important and meaningful to me. My husband to be is understanding, but the game has changed. Things are not so simple. Aikido has changed. At least in my way of thinking.
Another level of complexity in the big jigsaw puzzle I have started...
Hopefully after I've finished moving I will be able to train again...
There is no end.
There is no beginning.
There is only the infinite passion of life.
— Federico Fellini
Tonight was my last night training with the wonderful people of our grand junction Dojo, and yet I feel no sadness in leaving. Times change, people change, but the spirit which empowers the drive which has us train remains. It is an intersting feeling between hope and the reserved tides of wistful remembrance. I didn't cry, which I thought I would, nor did I brood, which I probibly would have.
An interesting thing happened.
A mini epiphany.
I felt the "stillness" that as a dancer, an artist and author, had been so illusive. I was able to dip my hands into that stillness and understand, feel the very essence of the movements that I have been so clumsily cluttering up the last few weeks. I as an Uke, became softer. My rolls and movements lost the stop and go drag which had been so frustrating. I was comlimented several times on just how good of an Uke I have become. This from the days of fighting technique and even tripping Nage (Or "Tipping Nage" as we call it).
Testing was interesting to watch. I know I should simply sit and watch a little more often. Three people tested, all passed. There was laughter, frustration and ofcourse the all omnipotent "blank stare of bewilderdness". But the atmosphere was wonderful. Silence used to bother me, but silence this time was different. A welcome afgan around your shoulders.
"Life, we learn too late, is in the living, the tissue of every day and hour."
-Stephen Butler Leacock
How quickly time comes and goes. What was now, here but a moment ago is now yesterday. Just five months ago I was a withdrawn and fearful person. I was terrified to be touched, afraid always that I would be hit, beaten , hurt by the people around me. I was slowly dying under the strangling weight of my own fears and old habits.
Bus ticket in hand, I took a chance, to see what really going on in the upstairs gym. I wanted to run away from college, from the sudden responsibility and loneliness that had come to me. I learned a life lesson, one that I am still learning from and will to continue to until the day I leave this world. I learned to live. To trust. I had to trust, I had to have faith in my self and my partners. Staying closed and tense was not a healthy or logical choice.
I learned to let go.
And in letting go, I finally touched down and held onto the world that I had abandoned. I am different person then I was then, I am no longer afraid to be touched. I made it through a huge seminar, with oddles of new and interesting Ukes and Nages . Never once did I run away.
You see someone once told me that "An epiphany is a cosmic two by four"
Quite the reawakening..
I look back and smile. I cried, I screamed, I raged and I made it through one of the toughest times of my life. Those tears I shed have brought me here, and I am proud. I know that I am so m
Maybe I would have an answer for the questions that are plaguing my mind and pulling at my spirit.
Do I quit?
Do I fight?
Should I be this scared?
Am I hiding from the eventuality?
This is such a hard choice to make, so hard to fathom and to find the strength to surpass my fears. Once again I had another on the mat injury with a particular black belt, taking an elbow to the temple, which was no fun. I asked him politely to slow down, which he did for a while, but that lasted only so long. What bothers me, is that even though I'm a beginner with pretty good ukemi, he of all people should know, and as Nage feel that I am not ready to work at his lightning fast pace. I still have yet to find a clear way in which to convey this, as all other attempts have yielded rather poor results.
With Crocker Sensei leaving, there is only this black belt and a female 2nd kyu (soon to test for her black belt if I remember correctly) to take the teaching of the class. I'm not sure that I can learn from him. He lacks warmth and patience, in my little opinion, for those less experience, with the expectation that you will know and absorb every intricate little detail.
Do I quit? Or do I fight? I feel like I'm being torn apart, this integral thing that is mine and mine alone is suddenly in danger of being destroyed. Quitting seems logical, but then I would be letting my training partners down, and my self. I've come miles f