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Tuesday and Thursday I will hopefully be able to practice with aikido program based out of DU. Hopefully has to stretch for now, as the pain in my joints in almost excruciating, mixing with altitude sickness. Ah the joys of being home and making the five thousand foot altitude transition..
My doctors upped the dosage of my Lortab. Drosyness , upset stomach.. ugh. More misery. I could barely keep my eyes open today, sleeping about fifteen hours (this for a person who has survive off four to six hours the last month or so..). If I were to go to aikido in this state I would be an extreme danger. I wil have to attend aikido and try to work through the pain. I started a thread based on this choice. I've looked and looked, and can find relatively no resources for non medical techniques to control pain.
It's come to my thinking, musing really, that some people don't realize the physical limitations of their partners. I got to thinking about this after refusing Kosa Dori (I think). I don't believe Sensei would have approached me to try the technique if he had realized how much pain I was in. Admittedly I did snap at him when he told me I needed to do more warm up techniques. I was tired and hurting and trying hard not to take out these things on others. I'm not sure anyone could understand. Not to say that it is a matter of worthyness or experience or anything like that. Gah.. I don't... have the words to express it. Perhaps I am closing my self off again, trying to limp awa
I seem to have hit my learning plateau this week. Frustration grinds at me , roughing up my spirit and tearing my moods to pieces. Why are things so hard? It seems the simplest of techniques provides me with nothing but confusion and frustration. I cried today. I couldn't stop crying. I was so worked up, so mad at my self.
Perhaps its just been a bad day for me?
I'm trying desperately to keep a positive attitude, even as I feel my spirit grow heavy.
I feel stupid.
I feel useless.
I feel like the waves of the sea as the storm gathers.
But I will not run away. I will go to Aikido in Denver, see a different point of view. I will go back to aikido the week after next.
I will not run away .
I will wash away the bad with my tears.
I will wake up tomorrow and smile. I'm going home… I'm finally seeing those I love.
Yesterday evening I worked with the beginners class ( I'm but a beginner my self…) and had a grand times. Admittedly the experience was tinged with anxiety. I don't like people watching me, but being Uke for Sensei leaves little or no room for modesty. Overall the experience was very good. I realized just how much I rush through techniques right now. I guess its natural to rush when working with those who are senior to you, always trying to keep up, yet always falling behind. I learned some things about how I communicate with others. I hope that I didn't confuse those folks too much, and I hope I helped in some small way. I noticed the "Gi" effect. If they didn't look to Sensei , they came to me. Intimidating, but a lesson that needed to be learned. Even beginners like me can offer something to other beginners. I had forgotten what those first baby steps were like. Seeing it through the eyes of others made me remember just how scary it is to be on the mat for the first time. I feel that in my journey so far, I've traveled countless miles. I was not afraid to be touched, I did no flinch or back away. Through working with those less experienced the me, I finally see the bridge of trust that has to coincide between Nage and Uke, and just how important. When I first started I was so wrapped up in my fear , that there was no trust between me and my partner.
Yet , two and half months later I stepped up to fresh faces and blended in a way that didn't seem foreign or scary. I un
Ah… the weekend is finally coming to an end…and what a weekend it has been. I have hardly the energy to type this entry right now, but still we all do what we must.
Our "seminar" was great. Each of the classes went wonderfully. There were about twenty one people all together at the seminar, along with our Sensei who was bouncing between techniques on the mat and manning the video camera.
Our guest instructor ( his name regrettable slips my mind right now) was very interesting. Admittedly I had some difficulty understanding what he was saying ( he has a very thick accent). I realized just how much I still have yet to learn, but I was received warmly by all of my training partners. Watch out for Jessica-- she throws like the devil! Never had a better partner though-- she's got a great sense of humor and a patience to deal with the dyslexic likes of me
Round two, with my bad shoulder. During a jo technique I lost focus and slammed onto the top of my shoulder with 100+ pounds of dead weight. Not very fun at all. The most painful 45 minutes of this year… but after the throbbing subsided , I was able to sit with everyone on the mat while one of the senior students tested for his black belt. I've never been to a full grading, so this was a neat thing to be able to see. Randori was nifty, dun think I would ever be able to do that though ;P
Things are falling into place. For now I have to be gentle on my self. No rolling this week, though I'm going to try the soft uk
Tiredness creeps over me. Today was a hard day, emotionally and physically. I was and still am fighting the drowsy effects of my painkillers, the pain in my joints going beyond the norm. Despite being tired, I pulled though and focused on sharpening my senses. We reviewed some of the techniques that we have worked on the two months. I was surprised how much I had forgotten. I felt at times like I was holding my training partners back, as I got confused and frightened. There was a particular technique with a punch to the face…
I tried.. I really did. My control slipped away, as I back peddled each time the strike came towards me. Tonight has brought back a lot of memories-- good and bad. During Irimi-nage I was fighting to stay calm, as once again there was contact with the side of my face and neck. In a measure of steps I feel that I've gone back more then I gained tonight. If I'm feeling better tomarrow I'll go to the Tuesday senior class and work with bokken and jo.
For now I have to listen to my body and relax. Sleep, after all, is a very good thing. Being a college student I sometimes forget to do this…
After so many months of bad things happening, finally I've gotten good news. Many many moons of tender care and therapy have brought my joints back around. My wrists are about three hundred times better then they were last November. Carpal Tunnle will still be a problem for me, but with moderation I believe I will be able to work past that.
I got my shoulder checked out today… I didn't fracture anything. What I <I> did </I> do was pull all the same muscles that got goofed up the when I slammed my back during ukemi practice. On top of that my shoulder is lightly irritated in the joint, so I will have to take Vioxx again ( ew..)
That's good news! I've come so far in the last four years since my riding accident.
Aikido has, oddly enough, never been all that uncomfortable for me on the physical level. The only time I was ever bothered by pain of any sort would be if a little too much pressure was applied to my wrists, or if I fell particularly hard. Though now, as I sit here and type, I understand slightly what my peers are going through. I suppose I push the physical discomfort from my mind.
I look forward to continuing to train, with mederation of course.