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so its come to this. private public ranting and i'm sure yhat still somehow somebody will find fault with what i'm saying and post something along the lines 'oh suck it up and quit whining' but somebody's always gonna do that anyway so what the fuck.
the thing that scares me most about aikido is pretty much also the reason i started training-it forces one to be a contributing member of an integretive community. i must learn to function as a member of the group or at least as a member of a series of consecutive pairs of close intimate psycho-physical-spiritual encounters in close cooperation. one of those things i truly suck at. does not play well in groups. oh it always starts out well, the new girl, who may have a skill or a talent that makes a major contribution so i feel like here is a place where i am wanted, appreciated, valued, maybe even liked. and i like that. and i get used to being a member. i get used to being included until i am so comfortably ensconced within a group that i get comfortable & let my guard down and all of a sudden i'm not letting some of my less positive qualities get out of hand and everybody decides maybe i wasn't so nice or talented or spiritual or valuable or loveable as i appeared and i get invited to leave yet another group or community or relationship.and after the last one i've spent a good (good? right)part of the past four years avoiding participating in Life of any kind.
fear/fear of being alone fear of being forgotten fear of being i