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Oh wow... the catchphrase for today? Just go for it. Figure out what you want, and how much, and just go for it. No matter how much it hurts, figure out if it's worth it and just go for it.
In an earlier post I talked briefly about the conflict of desire and virtue. Or, more plainly, the influence and importance that our choices have once we become aware of them. Read it, the post titled 'Needs and Wants', and then read on.
This is an issue very deep in my heart, something I think about almost continuously. The justification for defence, but under what circumstances?
I'm sitting here at the kitchen table working on a project that'll take me far into the morning. It'll be a long night, but it's been a long day too. Mind wanders.
I was at the fire station today assisting with a course. As I was guiding our newest member on how to provide a safety line, a protective hose for others testing extinguishers on the outside firepit , we saw a tiny something darting back into the burning brush. Long moments passed. I won't go into the details; safe to say, by the time we could act it was too late. And I couldn't then act, despite knowing that what I needed to do was the right thing. Another did, at last, and we moved on to the next part of the course.
In aikido we have such power. In an Irimi Nage we act with such intimate ownership. Can I claim this right over this person just because they attack me, and could they do anything but attack me in the first place? How could I know?
So apparenty there was this girl who trained at our dojo before, and left briefly before I started, leaving a gap of women among all the lovely boys there to play. And it's funny in a way, she's gone but left such an impact. A tangible contribution. Like walking through a room and leaving just a trail of perfume?
The stories left of her courage and her heart are more than enough for me. But for the others... Shortly after I started, several others did too. Younger girls. Often I feel that there is a secret expectation that I'll be there for them and guide them because we share a gender and so maybe see with similar glasses. Even though technically, we're not that different. Just in age. For them, though, are the stories enough? Can they last and follow a trace of perfume in the air? Will others?
If I leave and this is true, what else will keep them? Who can speak into their world as moments of interaction at aikido class start sucking in every other part of their lives? Can they be strong, and alone? Or can't I leave?
I need to go though. Soon, perhaps in a year. There's not much I can do apart from place another in their world to offer guidance. But will she stay, and will she last? And can I still leave knowing that I'll leave all this?
11-10-2011 06:59 PM 
