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But I relly wish I could find it agin.
Putting that aside, I am losing my dojo. Well, they have a place to go , sicne they have been let go of the fislty they were at, but I can't flow. I would have statyed till August, but I can't afford the fee incress and time change. The time change is not so ba, but they add a $100 to the fees. WIch is only $200 now , but collge income and what not, I gess I am out of luck. Now I jsut have to tell sissay, I wont be comeing anymore, but then August was not that far off anyway. Just kinda bad timeing I need an outlet. I don't always get Akido, but as I have writin before it is almost hynotic in someways for me. I get frusted, but I also tend to most of them fell it passs, I need a place I felt some what concented. I jsut have to find something else to do. This also means at lest un less I take Akido at my school in the fall. I will stop wrting here. So, thankyou for reading and offfer support and advidce throw my jurnny. NIce thow we have never meat to kow that someowne evern for a moment has thoguth about you and to get diffent prespectives. Thankyou verymuch. and belsed be. Howpe you all enjoy traing.
I have been at my dojo for almost a year. I can't say that all the people there are my freinds, but then I slow to trust most and even fewer gain full trust. However, Several people at my dojo I fell at lest a litte connected to and I not sure if it is the people or the group as whole or prohaps even Akido in the "globle unconcus" form , I still feel relly drawn to it. I feel drawn like how I used to feel drwn to church , before I had too many unaswered questions and the coumnity changed,( nothing agenist thows whom do belive in chourch, just not my belife). I feel that what some would call addition to it, I get this same senson when I write and when I am arond hourse.
However, this sora scars me, I love wring but I also can not ever succed fully at it for I can not speel and some issuses like that, thow there are editors , so we see how that one plays out , pofusonaly regurds.The point I am trying to make is that now that I have fallen in "love" with Akidio am I dumed to fail? I am not by any strech of the imanaation "good" at it, I not even ok, but I am lurning and I am making progress. I belive it has also thout be valuble lessons about my self, in other ways asdi form defending my self. I belive it has thought me how to better chanal energy, depth perstion, and even in some ways how to inract with people( that one may be the dojo). I know I will be leaving this dojo in ither abotu 2 weeks or sometime in early August, but I can't help wonder, if akido will
I am taking a break from my usla rambings on about my strugle and trifuns throw aikido. I like to take a mint to share a insite I had last night as the moon drifeted in the sky and the clock tick on, but no sleep came.
The dojo has a almost majical mist that darw me back, even if I do not think I want to be there. I have had a few times when my day has just not gone as planed I toy with the idea of not going to class, some gut felling takes over and I find my body there in the oh so familyer place. I sometimes have to find a few mint to find my brin it dose not alway come for the ride. Inevtable I pratice and I end up feeling better and more connceted. I may not always feel conected to the other people but in general. I don't know what it it is but the dojo or mabby we give up a part of us to the unvers to the dojo so it can give it back. mabby I am more connceted to the people then I like to amite( I am scared the dont like me, and not sure they relly want to conncet to me).
Just a thought pattern I thought I would share....
I have been sorra conplying in my last few blogs, for this I applogiz. I also owe a thankyou to thowse whom have offered there take on my sistiouations and shared info. I am not always good at rembering to show my thanks to people, thow I owe it to so many.
On, that note, I have a socal issuse , I have truble in general with knowing when to say goodby and when to just leacve , because others are bussy. If it were up to me I would always say by , but if there talking there is no real way to do so with out intupting. Likwise , you are to bow to your partners after class. While I would like to try to do this, I have onstly forgtoton to sometimes ( too tryered) and gottoen scooled. However, some of the people are freinds and also enjoy talking about diffent teques and I do not want to intrupt so , I offen do not say tankyou to them. I would like to know is what should I do? Say thankyou and intrupt or just not? Oh, and I can't watie becaue I have to go offen , and we have to clean the mats up.
Today class went well. I actuly felt like i may have goton a litte bit of what was going on and some parts were even fun. In the frist part we did alot of punching the person and then back falling. The other person throw you by pusing your neck or grabing your back and a new one going under your arm and grabing the wrist, then throwing you back. I was happy beacuse mostly I did not put my hands back when I did a back fall. Yay me! Then the second half we worked with boken. I kinda staring to finaly know boken cotta one. I then not sure what the next one we worked on was, but I knwo I don't know it really well. I ened up geting correced on making an agressive face , or should I say lack there of. The person whom I was working with siad it confuse people when you are not agress enoff, or don't focouse on the power enoff. Espely when youi have a wepon in your hand. The wepon says I am going to attack and if your face dose not say that then it's confuseing. Wich I get, just was not relly constios that I was not , nore that it was SO inportent. I aprently do not hit hard enoff, so I worked on hiting a sorwd that was held by my partner. I kinda am afreind to not hurnt the other parson but , I gess I have to trust my self enoff that I am not going hurt the other person and I control my self well enoff. Then we worked on something taht we were suposed to work on in the first place. wich somehow I ened up hiting my head I not entrly sure if I did or the other person,
So, class todaay we did this activitly wher you have for people throw in a circle and you go arond and when you thrown the person twice you swich and you trow. I did not like it because well , I was confused for the frist half and second I not sure I like speed. I sure it did not help that one of the people earlyer hit my rist and I gess harder then I thought it hurt midly, which surprced me, I thought that was it mostly a suprice becaseu they were not suposed be doing that spicicaly. However, I did the roles anyaway and relized after a few it was still hurting. I not sure what was up with that, but then mabby it is like my acles jsut week and I need to wrok throw it. Odd ayway. I also relized that I did better focsing today, but I seem not beable to very well, but I notieing that in other areas as well, I need to figue out what is bothering me and how to fix it. I have some ideas , but I not sure I can fix them. I also relly am not likeing that my dojo dose not have a set rutine , not relly like we do difrent actives each time and not even simililar, wich I am adapdting to. However, I have set up certin areas to be the same , so I can deal with the others not and some people don not seem to like it when I do this. Today someone told me to move to a difrent part of the mat becaue I always am on this one part, wich is kinda true unless I have to move, I know it , I just did nto like her telling me I had to go somewhere else. I mean I gess I should, just what made
It was a dark and stormy day, but the night was clear. We had alot rain today and at lest to me it was cold. I went to Aikido and I had prepared my self for one teacher, but turned out to not be so. I not sure why but the pariynoia set in agin. Which really makes no sence. I mean I am not relly seacred of sissay, I am werry of him becaue I do not know how I am soposed to be arond him. I mean one mint and with some he is normal guy whom just so happens to be teaching Aikido. Other times you are not to even ask him to brow certen items out of respect. I am confused, but I not afried of him or relly anyone in my dojo. I mean, I not buddies with them ither, I have a gut felling and proven to be true mostly they would not intentetuly hurt me. So, why I was prynoyed and about what I am not sure. I knew thow I need to fight it and be there.
So, we were suposed warm up, i gess and evetuly sissay would sart class. Thow he did not do this till abotu ten mints after he should have. Which buged me, partly becaeu they were talking and when I tryed to lesson, I did not find a way in, and when sisay tryed to engage me I gess. Inother words asked me aquestion I deced not to jsut answer with yes or no and say a wee bit more. in one ear out the other. so , I tryed to just medite and get my mind to be there, kinda got it to.
sisay stared class, then told us to warm up, thow I hate this because they once told me to strech wetever hurt last time, so if noting hurt? Also
The assient sisay, ( he also teaches wensday nights class) took over sisay's class.. I deceided to go dispite the fact that I had been avoiding his class because well, lets just say I don't lurn from his teaching aproch well. He was actuly being nice for him last class, so I decided that I would try and saterday is the more popular class. Meaning that others might be able to help me if he let them. Who knows I may gain observation scilles. So , I arive and alot of the people whom are normaly there are not. The class seeemed reltively productive. I mean I lurned alot and sisay was not too bad ither, not overly helpfull, but not untrying. Alot of what we did was above my head, but I got some of it and that is a start. As , sisasay siad today it is a lurning procces, and evergrowing one.
On a side note I relized that I should probly tell agin my sisay that I am not going to be coming to the dojo after sometime in early August. I got into HSU and that is way too far to commute. lol ( 13 hour drive) Or should I not tell him? People come and go and I only been there for about 8 months I gess( since about April of 09) , not like I am inport member or anything?
I had a preddy good class last night. I went , I know most of it I was not good at , nore did I even have a vage idea of how to do any of it. At lest that was mostly because it was heard and I had not been exposed to it much previouly. However, I for somereson could nto get my left side to do duble slap rolls at all and I also for somereson noticed that when I get scared I tend to want to pull the ground twards me , ( ie put my hand back as if I am grabing the mat) insted of just let the inevtable happen of gravity taking me down to the ground. I not sure intrely why that is. I working on it. I also know I need to lurn how to flow with other people, I have a gut feeling this is going to be a heard thing, but a rellly good thing for me to lurn. I as I know I have metntioned befor am on the Asburgers sepctrum. Meaning I do not know what to due with cues I pik- up on in normal setings, so chances are I wont know what to do with the cues i pick up here ither. Hence , not know how to flow with the person. I tryign to figure it out, but I knwo I not good at it. I not even ok at it. I not horable but I nto at all where I would liek to be. I was working with soemone whom just got there back belt on a veration of a movement and they tryed to make me to the uke part and I screwed it up, so he could nto do what he was trying to desmestrate. I know 3 out the 4 teques for my test 6th kuy. Which is what we ened the night working on. I think sisay saiad something about h
Today was my second class of the new year. I started out horbaly bad. Twice I got severly dizzy and felt as if I was going to fall over. I am srue this was not aided by the fact the mint I walked in the Dojo and I not even sure why I felt extrely perionoyed. I felt like just walked into a pnainl that was going to junde everything I did or that I was already awating the dection for some action that I did not even do yet. Like it was diffrent demetion all togetether. So , since I had a few mints I tryed to bring my self back to realty, thow the felling lasted most of the class, not till the end di it pass some. I not sure why I felt this way becaue this class out of all is the one where sisisay evsises that we should be having fun at the same time as lurning. Kids are with us for the frist half. Plusse I tryed to remind my slf what was the worst that could happen. So, I went ahead with class. We did alot of rolling where I felt like I was going to hit someone too many people for my liking I gess, or at lest for today. I also got relly dizxzy a cupple of times. I stood by the door so hoping to not fall down and also hoping that I would be left alone. A fello student asked me if I was ok and I siad kinda. With a noned of my head. I tryed to resome pratice, thow it did not help that I was seeing images that I not sure were there, not like they could not be but like how things would turen out. People coliding ect. I got back out there then we were to Cosie falls