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Tonight i took my 4th Kue test, I should be happy and exceted, but I not! I can't say that any test has gone as plyned , but this one I not even postive that I actuly did some of teques at all. I mean on pervious test I sure I messed up, but not like this and not like you could not even reconise what the teque was. I so , epicaly failyed, onmy difense I siad I was not readdy, but I did it anyway, out of trust in sisay and another sutdent whom siad I coould do it. I gess they were wrong! I feel like I let them down more then my self , becaue I already at lest was nto sure, I gess it just conformed it. Sisay , I don't think has ever not passed anyone, and so I am sure I passed. However, if you look at that fact that he went up to the mom of the other testy and siad she did assume and when my dad came to get me he siad nothing, I must not have done all that well. I feel like if accept the award and belt that he says he will send to me, It would be lie. However , I dear not say that to him becaue I was told along time ago that if you question the belt level then you question sisay, and I addmire him and trust him too much to go disrepecting intealy him. I feel like it more like school he is just doing it because he "has" to or something not like earned it. I know some of the stuff but not nearly as well as I should and I defently failed tonignt. I felt sick to my stumic for the rest of the night , still do. I gess I know now the asnwer to my last blog.. I jsut dont w
I had a hard time trusting people espley for a while....I have resons but there just excuses. I don't know why but in my heart with the core of the dojo my "aikido family" I never relly felt like I cant trust them, at lest not for long. I beging to feel that way now. I was felling a bit like I was on brored time when I came back, entill last monday then I felt like it was "home". I even thought they are like "family" in the good and the bad ways,but with that felling that even if your not on the same page as them at the moment that there still "ther for you". I don't know its nice to have a grup like that. Today I felt like at lest sinsay and some other students kinda thought like so many before them that I was "invalid" of some type and not relly worthy of full attetion nore alowing to fully perterpate. I know some is my frult I should push harder I shold try hearder. Its just the frist time in along time I felt this way with this grup with aikido. I always had to fight for everything my whole life. I always been conserded slow nad the like. I am slow, but I am not stupid and I may nto get it the way you teach it right away but I trying, in so many areas I just had to acceet that it was going to be a battle and that people just werent going toi understand me. I not normal wetever that is. When i singed up for aikiod I went into not relly expecting that to be any diffrent , by gole was to lurn to cope with sutions that I was not sko confuterfable with and do s