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I had a hard time trusting people espley for a while....I have resons but there just excuses. I don't know why but in my heart with the core of the dojo my "aikido family" I never relly felt like I cant trust them, at lest not for long. I beging to feel that way now. I was felling a bit like I was on brored time when I came back, entill last monday then I felt like it was "home". I even thought they are like "family" in the good and the bad ways,but with that felling that even if your not on the same page as them at the moment that there still "ther for you". I don't know its nice to have a grup like that. Today I felt like at lest sinsay and some other students kinda thought like so many before them that I was "invalid" of some type and not relly worthy of full attetion nore alowing to fully perterpate. I know some is my frult I should push harder I shold try hearder. Its just the frist time in along time I felt this way with this grup with aikido. I always had to fight for everything my whole life. I always been conserded slow nad the like. I am slow, but I am not stupid and I may nto get it the way you teach it right away but I trying, in so many areas I just had to acceet that it was going to be a battle and that people just werent going toi understand me. I not normal wetever that is. When i singed up for aikiod I went into not relly expecting that to be any diffrent , by gole was to lurn to cope with sutions that I was not sko confuterfable with and do s
In the end of August i went back to my old dojo, my home dojo. Sinsay Dirick Nakaguwa. I had gone knowing that it would be diffrent becaue , I knew that one of the main teachers had left and that he was now runing his own dojo. He had writen me and informed me that this was so. However, what I did not expect but soon descovered is that he had taken with him some of the people that i had expected to reamin loyoal to sisinsay and 2 of the people he "took" were ones that I thought were my freinds. It kinda hurt that for people whom had siad they were my freinds to not even tell me that they were not going to be there anymore. Espely becaus one knew I was coming back to trin I had asked him if the times were the same. However, sisay seemed glade I was back and asked about school. He wants me to test for 4th Kuy before I go back up. Althow, I think i forgoten some of the neames becaue looking at the list it once agin looks like a foren lagure. They did not in the bingners class use the names as much up north. Althow, i have to admit while i went to class, i fell into a pertty bad depertion up there so my dojo treing and lurning retention, was inpared. I suppose due to turble I was having up north with making freinds , is why it hit me hard when I felt like lost some here. Howver, I was welcomed back by sisaisay and also another aikidoist that I had grown kinda close to. That was nice and it felt good to back in an envroment that I liked. Still can frustred and cha