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I think I'm fighting to become me. I feel that this explains my depression most of the time, aside from the fact that I'm bipolar and all that. More like fighting to just be me. I can't quite believe who I am, that's what therapy seems to be showing me.
And usually when I'm just being me it's on the mat because I'm being attacked and there's no space in my head to be anything else; I can't hold on to myself and respond at the same time and it feels awesome.
The grading panel want to see if I'm good enough for dan grade, so I'll show them me. Not an Aikidoka, not a martial artist, not a student, not a 1st kyu hoping to be dan grade, not how I think I should be, just me.Not even me doing Aikido anymore.How can I do Aikido? I can't seperate me from my Aikido, it is not something I do: It's who I am so I will be me. Just me.
We were doing hamni handachi shomen uchi irimi nage and uke wasn't going anywhere so Sensei starts getting uke to go mental with the attack such that he's pretty much diving into the mat. I hate it when this happens. I hate it more than when I'm uke and I deliver what I consider to be a good attack: powerful, accurate and leaving me in posture and ready to deliver another attack if need be and then tori wants me to throw myself on the floor because they can't move me.
As I see it if uke is delivering a good attack and I can't do the technique that's my fault and so I said to sensei that it was my fault and I worked through the technique until I could do it. It doesn't help when certain shihan say that uke's job is to make tori look good.
That to me is a profoundly unhelpful view; that's no different than saying "You didn't attack me correctly" or "You're supposed to fall over at this point".
I think the problem is that Aikidoka generally really can't attack correctly because they're only really interested in doing the technique. So it becomes that getting the technique done is the only important thing and the attack can be modified if need be to suit that end. The past couple of weeks we've been doing lots of attacks from tsuki and it's obvious to me that no-one in our dojo can actually throw an effective punch except me. I'm not being conceited here, I've done other arts.
It's got to the stage where I stand still in shizentai and ask them to punch me and initiall