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Today was a veray emtional day for me. I want to the dojo with the sole intent that I wanted to have that relf you, know the one I so offent talk about as palce where I belong.
However, I kinda got taht felling, but I also did not. I new I would have to focouse, I hoped I would be able to do this. I kinda did, thow there were points where I felt almost like saying sisay can I sit this one out. SIsay I think senced taht I was not relly that confuontfule tonight and put me with a high ranking person, whom worked with me well in the past. However, this person did not seem to be on my siade, she seemed to not want to work with me. Which is kinda unsual for her, I usley work well with her. She breekes things down, and while I offent get corteced by her , she is usley relly icgring. Today she was working with me only becaue sisay told her to do so, not at all becaue seh wanted to. I know part of this was blown up in my head becaue I was feeling off.
Overall the dojo was ok, I did ok. I got throw it.
I not sure I should have gone thow because , a she relly did nto help so I felt more disconteced, and 2 becaue I was even more of a bad ukie then normal. SO , I feel like I let my dojo down! Well , if you feel like telling me your take on this , do. Always welcome, thow I don't promise to like critism right off the bat.
Agin, I am strugling with when to tap out becsue they say when you feel the pain and well I don't feel it for a long time. Infact it offten feeels good. So, I was being pined on one whwere they bend your arm forward and I almost tpaed when I feel my arm was going pop, well my elbow, but let it go and then it did pop. However, after words I totly expected ti to hurt, not that was in anyway the others persons fult, but it dinet it felt better then before. Wow I am an odd person. However, aftwards my partner says just tap even if dose not hurt, so now that leaves me with tap when? I am relly plessed that with he still kinda scares me, a person/instrotor whom I had turble with in the past has been actuly preddy nice. I so stoked that I found something that I may not bee good at the movements or tecely good, but I fit, now I be leaving soon, oh well, new advatures are good or they can be.
You sit in a connor watching as they prtice. They flow throw the movemetns so naturly, so evefortless. They look as if they are one. They bodies flow as if there is not force that is agisint them, they control it all. They put you into a trance, as if they are drying you to chllange them. You don't dear move you just wach, as they call you into there world. The wold they control, with out even trying to control. It is like they are not human they are just engery moving, they blure together, entilll..... Smack they hit mat and it fits back. You hear them collide, you wonder how they are nto splaterd to bits, but they jump back to there feet only to strat agin. Then it is your trun to take there hand and you feel them pull, only you fight because your instict tells youu to resit. Only to find that you will fail. You give in finding it futile to riste the ever so strong pull they apply. Then with out even knowing it happend you too are on the mat, as if you too are one with the mat. One with them. If only you could understand what just went on, but thats just it, the more you undersnd the less you are there. oh to be the engery , is to be nothing. There you are agin watching , wondering if you ever relly left, your legs go numb benth you and your relize that it was all a dream. You relize that you had jsut been watching them and you had done nothing at all.
Tonight we did a lot tequests. we started with doing a tequse that I am nto sure it a full teques. we grabed a persons hand and they pused our arm to make us roll as they moved it forward never letting go. then we were supposed to do cossy, but here is wehre the name of my bog comes into play. I trust you as far as i can throw you. I trust every memmber of my dojo, at lest all that I have worked with , enoff not hurt me intetionaly. I just not srue I am reddy to trust them to thwrow me over there back and nto hurt me. Or porhaps I should say I dont trust them enoff to fully support me , for I also do nto turst my self that I know what I am suposed to do. I tryed to try it but I got scared, so my person just liffeted me and then put me down. I was scared enoff with that, I feeli liek I puting my self in his or here hands and I not sure you proven your self that much. then we did boken work, I screwed up so bad. I knwo kinda how to do what was being asked, but I was doing relly bad. You knwo your doing bad when your traing parten ask for someone else to help you, he dose not even want to try anymore. Oh well I mad an effort.
Last class I was the fist saterday at our new location. I knew going into that it was probly going to be crowed and "off" conpared to normal, becasue it was the fist childrens class. I figured the people involed in that would probly be off, the kids would have to get used to the new place and so would there prents. They would also be reminded of how many have now lost he oprtunty to trin, becaeu of the change in time and location.
My mom and sister took me the the dojo, becaue they were on there way to purches a gift for my granfathers brithday on sunday. They came in and saw the new place. I was somewhat suprised that there was a litte aire of aphensiveness and confusstion, muttled together. However, there was more of air of all is well. I do fremily belive that Aikido has that power to teach you to just be in the moment and not wory. Anyway, so class started, my family went and did erronds. I took my shoes off , and I was going to put them in "my box" but some kids took it and for a mint being "asburgus" this relly buged me. However, I did set my pick a new spot.. Thow somepart of me still wanted to say thats my spot. ( I like knowing somethings are concent in this ever chinging wold). The point itn that is that when I went onto the mat I as disetracted. We were told to strech, so I did half hartly, still eying my cubby, did not help that I was aprghesive about my family gathering and thouse wanted even more litte things to be the same. However, sisay
Recap: If you have been flowing my previous blogs, you know that I had an oprtunity to move to a new location to countune my aikido. You also know that there seemed to be , or form my prespective a dark cloud lingering over me or them. I was even tempted to qutie.
Present day: I had a kinda long day, but all went well for me. I had the starn of inverwing for a job, my frist real job, not gotton by knowing someone, that is if they hire me. I felt aprhensive, but also felt excited. At any rate aside from a mild upset stomic, after dinner, I was looking forward tonight, but with a air of aprhanstion. after the way I felt Monday , felt like that concotion, hipnoic felling was only a fase and it had passed. I was not sure what was instore for me now, and I was not sure I like where it was going. However, as some people on here pointed out and some othere people told me, the group as whole was probly just as or at least somewhat aphaesive being in a new place. Latter I also realsied that I was aphasive adn secared and I had blocked them as mouch or more then they me. So , if I wanted to change this was going to have to be the one to start. After all in Aikido or life you can realy only control you, right? So, today after resting and rethinking and then just accepting that they were in much the same bout as me, I almost was looking forward to tonight. Thow in the past Ihave had some truble with this sissay, or at lest his teaching approch. That I recon I have
I atted the new place tonight. The dojo felt foren as if I had just entered a foreben place. With distinc air of welcome, just foloting on the serface. I wanted this so bad to be part of the new place , morever to contuine to do Aikido. Yet from the moment I relized this was good I felt a clod leagering in the darkness. I could not shake the felling, now I think I know why. Hopfully in time this cloud will be despersed with the connetivness I once felt.
So , I enter the dojo and the group before of brizien Jejeto peopel are still finshing up. The air is pasive, with a hint of apphenshion. I walk in timmedly, becaue I have my own issues with change. I go to teacher who is dealing with the money and forms we are to fill out. I feel almost the unwelcome feeling as he hands me a pen and form. I detifuly fill it out. Then I watie actioly for the sisey and higher people to go on the mat. I want to know where the lower belts are and where the shoman is and what not. Also, watied to know if they were doing formal streching bevaue of the new person or not? I still could not conpletly focoouse one beaue I could not help but wantder what everything was or where it was and what rules ment what , were they the same? Also, becuae I could not shake the felling that I was not only not relly welcome, but I did not fit here anymore. I tryed to focose on movent, but my brian just cept saying did I amke the worng chose? Am I not supposed to be heer. I supose it did not
The aiki taiso is a series of frequently-used basic aikido movements.
They may vary a little
from one dojo to another. Use the aiki taiso as a centering exercise and an opportunity to perfect your movements.
Funakogi undo Rowing exercise 2
Shomenuchi ikkyo undo Swing both hands forward hand blades extended 2 Zengo undo Shomenuchi ikkyo undo with a 180 degree turn 4 Happo undo Shomenuchi ikkyo undo in eight directions 8 Tekubi kosa undo Cross wrists in front of body (low) 5 Tekubi joho kosa undo Cross hands in front of face 5 Sayu undo Swing arms to side, drop weight 4 Sayu choyaku undo Sayu undo with side step 4 Udefuri undo Swing arms from one side to the other 2 Udefuri choyaku undo Udefuri undo with 180 degree turn 2 Ushiro tori undo Spread arms forward, turn hip 4 Ushiro tekubitori zenshin undo Raise hands to eye level, step forward and bow 4 Ushiro tekubitori kotai undo Raise hands to eye level, step to rear and bow 4 Tenkan undo Pivot around outstretched hand 2
I am sickly connceed to Aikdio... the universe,god or what ever is out there really wants me in it. I worte that I could not do Aikido anymore, but now I can cermstance changed. I can now contune, while they are still moving 3 mils away, I can flow. Thanks to some verry nice people and sisisay.
I know I glade, to have the opptunty to contune to train.
So my tid bits on what we did today. My sisay had us half the room train with a jo and half tain with boken and did diffent tekens. we rotated arond to use diffent wepons and do diffent teques. I mostly styed with boken cata 1. that was intresting way of doing it. Pluse for me I got to lurn from diffrent people. Which can be really helpfull.
We also worked alot on test requriments. I starting to get mine, some.
I know seems like I keep trying to get away form akido or rather I think it is from me, but i keep comeing back. I not sure I had anything like this before besides mabby collge/school. I think I like it.
But I relly wish I could find it agin.
Putting that aside, I am losing my dojo. Well, they have a place to go , sicne they have been let go of the fislty they were at, but I can't flow. I would have statyed till August, but I can't afford the fee incress and time change. The time change is not so ba, but they add a $100 to the fees. WIch is only $200 now , but collge income and what not, I gess I am out of luck. Now I jsut have to tell sissay, I wont be comeing anymore, but then August was not that far off anyway. Just kinda bad timeing I need an outlet. I don't always get Akido, but as I have writin before it is almost hynotic in someways for me. I get frusted, but I also tend to most of them fell it passs, I need a place I felt some what concented. I jsut have to find something else to do. This also means at lest un less I take Akido at my school in the fall. I will stop wrting here. So, thankyou for reading and offfer support and advidce throw my jurnny. NIce thow we have never meat to kow that someowne evern for a moment has thoguth about you and to get diffent prespectives. Thankyou verymuch. and belsed be. Howpe you all enjoy traing.