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The past couple of nights have finally confirmed my belief that us budoka are surrounded by masses of seriously mentally ill people. They'll take any opportunity, no matter how small, to become angry and violent. These people are only just in control of themselves even when stone cold sober.
The thing that freaks me out is when they calm down and they apologise and you can see the realisation of their own insanity.
You can see them thinking, "Why did I do that?" and it shocks them.
Then I see the way budoka handle things. The sage like grin of acceptance and indifference, the shrug of the shoulders to excuse an idiot, the politeness in the face of insult, reason in the face of aggression, the hand extended in friendship towards the guy that wants to punch their face in. Ironically it's us who are best able to smack people into the middle of next week who are most likely to try to find a peaceful solution.
Then when all that fails the resolute calm with which a budoka faces their opponent contrasts heavily with the rage and anger of their opponent.
I got quite drunk last friday night and I came to a realisation that I often have when I'm quite drunk: I can take one hell of a beating, get up, and carry on regardless.
Most of my life has been about taking beatings and just carrying on. So why should 1st kyu be any different? Taking it five times is one hell of a beating, I think I'm uniquely qualified in saying that. I don't even think I'll pass it on my fifth attempt. Or sixth for that matter.
The other realisation I had last friday night is that ultimately I always win. Seven times down, eight times up. The other thing I realised is that I often seemingly act like a cocky, arrogant fuck but in fact it's just that I'm better than most people and I know it and I have a low tolerance for bullshit and my proof of this is that I can say "Go on, tell me I'm wrong" and they can't. I just have the misfortune of growing up in a society that prefers the nice thing over the right thing because the right thing isn't always nice.
So next time when I walk over to take a grading and I see a distinct lack of people to take ukemi I shall organise the grading myself and if I get any cheek or insolent back chat I shall point out that I know how to run a grading they don't and that ergo my rank should automatically be higher than theirs. At the very least the panel should be changed to someone more competant.
Still haven't told Sensei about my decsion not to grade anymore. There's still part of me that really would like to get 1st kyu and Shodan etc. I find I keep finding excuses to retake 1st kyu and none of them are anything but ego.
On one hand it's gotten to be quite easy to go there and fail. Thinking back I was exceptionally calm all the way through the grading and not massively disapointed afterwards. I could go there and fail ten more times and each time it would affect me less and less. Yes I would rather pass than fail but really I don't know why, I don't know if passing would mean anything to me other than the whole episode would be over but then I can do that by simply refusing to grade. Either way I can't claim that it's too emotionally difficult, although I am starting to feel slightly humiliated. Tommorrow will be the third dojo christmas meal I'll attend after having failed a 1st kyu grading and I'm already slightly dreading talking about another failure.
I suppose I don't like the idea of people who are now junior to me becoming senior in rank though but then oddly I quite like the idea of challenging myself to accept that and just get on with my training. It sounds hard and thus quite worthwhile. I'm not sure I like the idea of everyone else getting their hard work acknowledged through "promotion" and me not. Twenty years from now they could be respected teachers, fukushidoin or shidoin, invited to courses and what not and I'd be some random 2nd kyu.
Then
...More
Decided I'm not training tommorrow, I'm going drinking. I've had enough. Sensei's getting me ready to grade again in feburary. I'm just thinking "Can I even be bothered with this?" and the answer at the moment is "No."
I'm going to have to tell him that, frankly, I can't be arsed with 1st kyu. Enough is enough. I've been studying Aikido for seven years three of them have been dedicated to first kyu, I've tried it four times and failed four times, I've had enough. I no longer care if I never get first kyu.
I just want to train and enjoy training without the stupidity of "at the level you're going for" hanging over me. No disrespect to Sensei, but if the people senior to him can't make their mind up what they want, can he seriously prep me for it? First I'm too rough, then I'm too soft, then I'm too rough again, then I'm too soft again.
It's gone on far too long for it to have any relevence to my Aikido life, it's a distraction from training; the whole thing has taught me that gradings and rank are meaningless. I just want to be left alone to train.
12-30-2009 10:05 PM 
