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Will it ever go away? 25 years of training….20 years since he died. A noise, a smell, a word said wrong, a door slammed… can still set the response off. I can go from being perfectly comfortable to crazy adrenaline kicked in, hyper-sensitive, breathing getting choked out of me fear. I can relax through it mostly, nowadays, yet I can't stop it.
Many a night I stare out the window to catch a glimpse of I don't know what… straining my ears to hear another sound like the one I thought I just heard. I never believe myself…doubt riddles the fear adding shame to the adrenaline.
Now I can think and breath…I can check in with Ron about what is real this day. Training does help…as does prayer and compassion for the process of outgrowing how my father showed his love.