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In an earlier post I talked briefly about the conflict of desire and virtue. Or, more plainly, the influence and importance that our choices have once we become aware of them. Read it, the post titled 'Needs and Wants', and then read on.
This is an issue very deep in my heart, something I think about almost continuously. The justification for defence, but under what circumstances?
I'm sitting here at the kitchen table working on a project that'll take me far into the morning. It'll be a long night, but it's been a long day too. Mind wanders.
I was at the fire station today assisting with a course. As I was guiding our newest member on how to provide a safety line, a protective hose for others testing extinguishers on the outside firepit , we saw a tiny something darting back into the burning brush. Long moments passed. I won't go into the details; safe to say, by the time we could act it was too late. And I couldn't then act, despite knowing that what I needed to do was the right thing. Another did, at last, and we moved on to the next part of the course.
In aikido we have such power. In an Irimi Nage we act with such intimate ownership. Can I claim this right over this person just because they attack me, and could they do anything but attack me in the first place? How could I know?
I understand only that I don't understand.
If I am to claim authority with such decision, I become liable for every ripple. When my presence in a situation can cause corruption and decay, death, don't I forfeit the value that I've potentially offered in the first place? Can I still take the high road and proceed, even as a possible hypocrite and a thief of potential and life?
Thoughts linger. They're chewing through my brain; over and over.
I rang someone that was there today, a dear friend and a mentor. Needed to start to let this out. Suddenly it was like I was ten again, flicking pages and swinging on my seat. I spoke, haltingly, protectively. He understood though. He said this in response;
In the heat, you survive as best you can.
In the quiet moments, you remember that you've been surviving each moment the best you can. And you learn to live with that, and live through that.
Sometimes I look at Irimi Nage and in a split second it seems like we get unbearably close.
Sometimes I'll look at it and think; for how many moments can we wrestle with our solitude, and how much incredible depth can there be in the swoop, the grasp of the neck, the yearning curve together and around?
Maybe it's all about those moments where we finally come together. Maybe it's about the power of the experience, no matter how hard we fall.