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At what point does a situation go from becoming one of those challenges to be faced upto in training to being a problem which just has to be accepted?
I keep writing entries about this and I keep deleting them but basically it boils down to this: I hate being part of a dying dojo. I hate going training; I get nothing out of it and I don't see that anything I put into it will have any result.
I'm not going to talk about how or why this situation has come about because I find that I end up writing ranting diatribes because it is something which provokes immense anger in me.
The fact is though that tonight I will be one of two people on the mat, maybe; there's a reasonable chance that I might be the only person on the mat and its been this way for months and for months I've kinda battled on. Partly I've done this because I'm stubborn and partly because I feel a responsibility as senior student to set an example; I don't want to give anyone else an excuse for not training and so I put my own feelings to one side and I go training and on the mat I bite my tongue, dig deep and carry on. I see it as one of those challenges that has to be trained though.
I've even gone on an instructors course the point of which I do not get. As I said to Sensei, being qualifed to instruct under supervision makes little sense when there are two students on the mat or effectively one instructor, one assistant instructor and a student on the mat.
The truth is though that I'm fed up. I'm at the end of my teather. My knee was playing up last week and so I took the week off and I really don't want to go back to training; I simply see no point and I've had enough of putting a brave face on it.
Sensei keeps saying that he'll be doing this and that and the dojo will pick up, but I just don't see it.