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It was a dark and stormy day, but the night was clear. We had alot rain today and at lest to me it was cold. I went to Aikido and I had prepared my self for one teacher, but turned out to not be so. I not sure why but the pariynoia set in agin. Which really makes no sence. I mean I am not relly seacred of sissay, I am werry of him becaue I do not know how I am soposed to be arond him. I mean one mint and with some he is normal guy whom just so happens to be teaching Aikido. Other times you are not to even ask him to brow certen items out of respect. I am confused, but I not afried of him or relly anyone in my dojo. I mean, I not buddies with them ither, I have a gut felling and proven to be true mostly they would not intentetuly hurt me. So, why I was prynoyed and about what I am not sure. I knew thow I need to fight it and be there.
So, we were suposed warm up, i gess and evetuly sissay would sart class. Thow he did not do this till abotu ten mints after he should have. Which buged me, partly becaeu they were talking and when I tryed to lesson, I did not find a way in, and when sisay tryed to engage me I gess. Inother words asked me aquestion I deced not to jsut answer with yes or no and say a wee bit more. in one ear out the other. so , I tryed to just medite and get my mind to be there, kinda got it to.
sisay stared class, then told us to warm up, thow I hate this because they once told me to strech wetever hurt last time, so if noting hurt? Also, didn't we jsut get throw doing that? Sisay kinda got mad at me, and stated that if I did not want to strech then I should do some roles. So, I did. I relized that I for some reson could not do a backwards role on my left side, like couldent, I kept trying and it would ither hurt or I did it wrong. That's odd i used to be able to.
Then we worked on boken stuff and also on how to cut someone. The cuting one I did ok other then I did not do them consently well enoff. Rather I suppose I did nto trust my self to do them right. We also did boken oh i cant spell whtat it was called. We are with a partener and we make contat with there boken. There is liek 7 different ones. I should have know 1 and 2 and kinda 3 but I stomled thorw 1 and 2 and 3 yea right. Epic falure tonight. I did not seem to be able to do anything right.
I went to get wepons , I do not have my own. So , I usley brow some, but I felt dizzy when we went to get them and almost with all esle going on, felt like I should mabby leave, so I scewed up asking for wepons. In others words I just did not do that at all. I did get some thow thanks to some nice people. I felt like noone relly wanted to work with me ither, but thats what made me relize I was so bad tonight.
I gess I jsut need to focose more, I keep hoping I am geting better but I not sure. some times I wonder if this is my thing, but hen I get something and feel like yes I belong her and this is helping me. I recon it is also teaching me petiece with my self and others. Also, other valuble sicales and its good that they are not working with me in awya becaue they are mroe then somethon would on the street and changes me. Also, helping me lurn more about me so I can tell people when i need help. now if I onl could tell when it was ok to ask for help and clefication.
I have question to my fllowers, baased on what you know are you supsed slap even if it dose not hurt druing a pin? I have been told I am relly felxable and it trully dose not hurt for along time one most pins. So, it seems liek sometimes they want me to just slap,but they told me slap when it hurts. I am confused. Also, anyone have any ideas on what to do if you get overwelmed, is it ok to tell your sisay you just want to watch or better to keep going?