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sexxysamurai's Blog Blog Tools Rate This Blog
Creation Date: 10-17-2005 11:04 PM
sexxysamurai
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depression
Blog Info
Status: Public
Entries: 1
Comments: 3
Views: 5,369

In General I could really use some help....... Entry Tools Rate This Entry
  #1 New 10-17-2005 11:04 PM

First off let me let you guys know that I'm a guy......I'm mistaken for a girl because of my handle name....

I've been studying Aikido for thirteen years , and I hold a 5th Dan. I am 30 and an African American male . I have a problem with depression.

It seems that I'm no good at anything . I love video games and being competitive in them. I also play Magic:The Gathering in tournaments . The thing is , I seem to SUCK at everything competitively.

Between having a full time job and school , I never have the time to fully practice games ( fighting , HALO) or tweak my decks ( Magic ) . It's not like I don't know what I'm doing . I'm just plain and mediocre . I don't stand out . I think that's what my problem is .

People say to me ...."Is it that important "? and I say ..YES!!! I'm grateful to Aikido for allowing me to look into myself and find some hidden problems . Sometimes , through training I feel a little better , especially when I'm standing in for my sensei.

I feel like I'll never be anything important and I'll just be a drone with a barcode. My fiance' thinks I should be more grateful for what I have and be appreciative for my rank and training. It's always easy when your not the one feeling worthless.

I know that we all strive to the "ego-less self" , but there was a time sometime ago when I thought that Aikido just happened to be one of those martial arts where I'll never have recognition or a name . No title , no belt , no trophy . Just me and my rank...whoopee.... -_-

No , I'm not going to jump off a roof..I have an exam Wed...... and I'm noy going to hurt myself . I get very upset and I hve nothing to take it out on .So...my only solution is to play RPG's , 'cause I'm against the computer AI anyway. At least that's the only thing I MIGHT be good at . Unless someone beats my time ....

Thanxxx for reading ,
(not so ) SexxySamurai
Views: 1041 | Comments: 3


RSS Feed 3 Responses to "I could really use some help......."
#3 10-20-2005 07:33 PM
roosvelt Says:
th Dan in 13 years. That's some thing to be proud of. I don't about "ego-less". I think Aikido teach me about "selfish-less". If you focus too much on yourself, you forget about your partner and the world around you. The other posters suggestion about teaching is a good idea. Or you can help out in local charity group, or go on a mission to a third world, then you'll realize how lucky you're. Or you're just too hard on yourself. I know most smart people think they deserve better or can do better than their current status. They want to do something important like to save world like 007. Stop playing games, get out and have a beer with real people.
#2 10-18-2005 10:28 AM
John Boswell Says:
Hang in there, man. I kinda feel like you do: middle of the road on everything and never stand out. Oh well! Whatcha gonna do? Just a measly 6 months ago, money was tight and my wife and I were trying to figure out what to do to pay the rent. I had money coming... on the way... but it was another couple months away. I'm in real estate: I get paid when the house closes, not goes under contract. NOW... we have purchused a house of our own, have a baby on the way, my car is almost paid for, bills are current and life is doing pretty good! I don't have a perfect house, or wife or dog or car or job... but we're doing pretty good! And in this day and age, "pretty good" is way above average. Look at you: 5th dan at 30 years of age? Rock and Roll! Just imagine where you'll be in 10 years from now? Sixth Dan? How many of those are there in the world? Not too many. If you really want to feel better, go help the less fortunate. Become a "Big Brother" and mentor a child, or volunteer some time at nursing homes... just visiting the elderly. Perhaps you can become involved in the Red Cross or Salvation Army (Christmas is just around the corner!). Like you, I get down sometimes and beat myself up. I'd like to be a writer, but everytime I get going, I see something that makes my work look bad, and I put the pen down for another 6 months. I used to love to sketch and draw... now I never do. I can't think of one thing I'm exceptional at. However... I have exceptional taste in people! I have the very best of friends and where I may not be the best... I damn good and helping the best do even better. Some of us were born to lead. But leaders never do it on their own. It's people like you and me that help make them great! Think about it... And good luck, bud.
#1 10-18-2005 02:11 AM
You should try World of Warcraft. Its a good game to let out anger on and if you like PvP, try the PvP realms. I do think your fiance is right. You should be thankful. What you need to do is open your own dojo. Start by teaching in your garage or at a local park if you dont have one. Teach at a YMCA or a local gym. Teaching always seems to bring me up. I am sure it can bring you up too. Sharing my knowledge makes me feel worthwhile in this Earth. Try it, youll love it.
 




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