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During class last night, the buzz from everyone getting ready for the upcomming testing weekend was palpable. Everyone is sorting themselves out by rank and going over their testing requirements in pairs. It's amazing to watch and feel the dedication of everyone, but I'm kind of confused.
In my head, I know all the techniques for 7th kyu. I can name them all and the tai sabaki for each one is not difficult for me. The ki tests aren't a problem either. But I've never seen a test and I'm not sure that I'm confident to test when it's all eyes on me.
One of the yudansha took me to the side and told me "Look, when you're up there to test, it's all about you. It's your show. Take control of each movement and really feel it."
Normally that's exactly what I do off the mats. I'm a DJ. I live for a crowd. I perform in front of (sometimes) hundreds of people each week and don't ever think twice about it. But DJing isn't physical, at least not in the way Aikido is.
I want to test because...hmm, I don't know that I can finish that sentence.
There's my answer I suppose. If I can't really describe why I want to test, then perhaps I shouldn't be testing yet.
In any case, my two hours on the mats last night ended with some randori demonstrations. Up to that point I'd only seen videos online. Watching a six man randori made me nervous, excited, scared, and awestruck. I could barely see any of the techniques executed, but bodies kept flying out in all directions.
Perhaps someday, with lots of training, I'll be in the center of all that, siezing chaos.