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Qatana's Blog Blog Tools Rate This Blog
Creation Date: 05-06-2003 10:30 PM
Qatana
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Blog Info
Status: Public
Entries: 24
Comments: 34
Views: 63,987

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  #1 New 05-06-2003 11:26 PM
so its come to this. private public ranting and i'm sure yhat still somehow somebody will find fault with what i'm saying and post something along the lines 'oh suck it up and quit whining' but somebody's always gonna do that anyway so what the fuck.
the thing that scares me most about aikido is pretty much also the reason i started training-it forces one to be a contributing member of an integretive community. i must learn to function as a member of the group or at least as a member of a series of consecutive pairs of close intimate psycho-physical-spiritual encounters in close cooperation. one of those things i truly suck at. does not play well in groups. oh it always starts out well, the new girl, who may have a skill or a talent that makes a major contribution so i feel like here is a place where i am wanted, appreciated, valued, maybe even liked. and i like that. and i get used to being a member. i get used to being included until i am so comfortably ensconced within a group that i get comfortable & let my guard down and all of a sudden i'm not letting some of my less positive qualities get out of hand and everybody decides maybe i wasn't so nice or talented or spiritual or valuable or loveable as i appeared and i get invited to leave yet another group or community or relationship.and after the last one i've spent a good (good? right)part of the past four years avoiding participating in Life of any kind.
fear/fear of being alone fear of being forgotten fear of being invisible.so hide.be alone. be invisible.be nothing and nobody. be not living.can;t be rejected when you don;t try to fit in try to participate to belong just sit in your trailer and work and feel sorry for yourself but at least you can't alienate anybody if you don't go near anyone
and then one day you wake up and you want to learn to be a human being in the world again and you put a whole lot of time and energy and money into clearing out a whole lot of psycho-baggage and things start getting better and you can start being around people just a little bit more and you stop getting into arguments just to force somebody to Pay Attention to you so you know you still exist and all of a sudden Somebody Notices you and suddenly you're in love with the first person who has ever truly understood you and suggests aikido so you go check out the local dojo and get hooked. the people are so welcoming and Real and giving and happy and the art is beautiful and the sensei is awesome and you think, here i cannot hide. i cannot fake it.i have no choice but to be absolutely who i am, frightened and vulnerable and terrified of relationship cause i know i'll eventually make some behavioral blunder and once again be ostracised but right now they like me and thats a good thing cause i'm about to get dumped by the man i love specifically because he loves me and at least i have the dojo.and the dojo is planning a big demo/seminar/celebration and hey i have production experience and promotion experience and performance experience that i can share and all during the planning every time i opened my mouth to make a suggestion someone else would run right over it.and while at first everybody thought i shpuld be in the demjo cause we want to show the guests that there are techniques they can do right away and that a beginner gets to do all the same stuff a black belt does-tho not as well or easily- by the end of "rehearsal" tonight i was given nothing to do but show a back roll as a beginner and everybody was trying to convince our 4th kyu to be in the demo cause "only black belts are doing anything and people need to see what our non-black belt(singular???) can do as well.
well i did not open my mouth and express my discomfort cause i'm still the new kid and still on my best behavior but if i am feeling this hurt now and can't express it how soon will this turn into resentment there by giving me the perfect set-up for getting myself invited out of the dojo in record time.
is it better to be invisible if it doesn't make people hate you?
Views: 877 | Comments: 3


RSS Feed 3 Responses to "today"
#3 01-11-2005 01:06 PM
John Boswell Says:
Oh, suck it up and quite whining. JUST KIDDING!! Seriously though, you give people too much power over you by valuing their opinions. Now, your Sensei? That's an important person and you should try to be objective as far as his points having to do with Your technique and ukemi. But otherwise, be yourself! I'm sure everyone has been in your shoes as some point in their life. When I was first at my dojo, I was a total and complete white belt in a room of nothing but black and brown belts. I didn't DARE open my mouth even to ask a question.... for months anyways. I never stayed after class, barely said "Hi" to people when walking in the door. Slowly but surely, time went by, I got comfortable... open my mouth and WHAM! Insert foot. And I've got big feet so that was none to pleasent. But we can all look back and laugh at it now. So, Jo. You have one entry here and that was from a while ago. How's things these days??? Take it easy!
#2 04-27-2004 09:41 AM
PeaceHeather Says:
Jo... you have helped to encourage ME just by being here, and showing me that I'm not the only one who feels some of these same things. My situation doesn't exactly match yours, no, but it's similar. I'm a big fan of counseling. It can REALLY help, and the best part is, you're allowed to be an asshole and they still have to take you. *grin* What I really mean by that is, if you think you have all these terrible behaviors that are so unacceptable, well, counseling is the BEST place to let them see the light of day. Compassion, compassion, compassion. You might be frightened of getting close to these folks, and you might very well have good reasons for that, but you can still -- you NEED to -- be compassionate towards yourself. Can you try? And, finally, see if you can come up with a way to approach sensei with your concerns. See if you can set the hurt feelings aside for the first few moments... go looking for information... and if you feel SAFE, then share with sensei that you're hurting because of what you've perceived as happening. Please, know that here at least you are still welcomed and still encouraged. You've already helped me so much! Heather
#1 07-11-2003 11:46 AM
jducusin Says:
Jo, Being invisible certainly isn't better than being hated by people. Even if some people don't like you (and heck, you can't please everyone) at least you're being yourself, asserting who you are and the opinions you hold. If you can take pride in who you are, then it doesn't matter what those people think anyway. Just be yourself, do your best, and those people who understand and appreciate you for who you are --- those are the ones who matter --- will come into your life. And they will have the distinctive honour of knowing you, the real you, and not some mask. Hang in there, Jamie
 




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