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So I've been training for 2 1/2 months now, or I should say training at ASL again. I took a break in 95, then started again in 2000 at SFSU. Injuries, rather serious chronic ones to both my knees have prevented me from being the martial artist I want to be. My fault. I used to feel like 'no pain no gain' and 'mind over body' were good motto's. Now I know better. So I can't be the ~martial~ artist I'd like to be, and sometimes it makes training hard.
It sucks to say 'sorry I can't do that one.' or to back off when someone bows to me, then sit off to the side and watch while others train. I have been over protective of my knees for the last 8 years, now I need to push myself, but I don't know what is a healthy push to the limit and what is getting me back to the gonzo martial mindset that got me injured in the first place.
I have a test coming up soon. 9 years overdue. A fellow aikidoka joked about my serious racking of hours without a test. Anymore I don't know if I even want to test. I don't feel I deserve the rank if I can't perform all of the test requirements the way everyone does.
There are people who were at the dojo when I first left who were happy to see me return. I feel like I let them down by not being able to engage them the way I used to before the injury. I feel frustrated when I want to join in and worry that one small mistake and I'm out for weeks yet again.
I'd like to find a middle ground. I want to train and feel like I am part of my dojo. My ego gets in the way of my training.