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In General
Losing Zanshin
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#44
 10-10-2003 12:58 AM |
We started off our Thursday night with Jo practice as usual, which was fine...I surprised myself during most of the striking drills we did by keeping up with Sensei when he sped things up a bit (no mean feat at times). I've been feeling my left (non-dominant) side becoming stronger with the Jo these days with additional practice.
I wish I could sound as confident about the rest of the night. After a centering exercise (typical for Thursdays) we went into some Tae Sebaki (I suppose to make up for not doing it on Tuesday) which started out fine for me. After some disturbing observations in class, my troubled mind had drifted around the time of the second last technique we did and I found myself watching Sensei demonstrate but I didn't really absorb it --- as though I could see everything happening but nothing was retained. It was the very first time that had ever happened to me. My focus was broken and I had to try to regain it, but it wasn't without difficulty.
When I try to look back at my lack of focus with as objective an eye as possible (for self-observation), I see myself as someone who, when faced with serious concern for others, can become emotional in their defense. It was this emotion that I was struggling so hard against on the mats...trying so hard to control, to wash away even, just to regain my focus again. I found myself teetering on the edge --- at one point constantly on the brink of losing my reserve. Silence has never been something I relish, especially when it comes to things that should be vocalized to protect another (luckily it wasn't anything that required immediate attention --- otherwise I would have said something right away). Yet I am afraid that in respect to protocol, I will most likely have to live with this self-imposed silence for some time, aside from perhaps some momentary release by bringing the issue up with Sensei so that he may deal with it (as is his place and not mine) and take the weight off my shoulders in this respect.
Heh --- I'm sure that folks who have little concern for others must live such carefree lives; I bet they're able to train away with complete and utter abandon --- ignorance must surely be bliss! 
I think I've made this sufficiently cryptic.  Thank heavens for "Private" journal entries.
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