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I'm sitting on the balcony right now, watching as the world goes on , despite my stillness. Looking past the tree line and disappearing road I can see a storm brewing over the horizon. The clouds are dark and hold the promise of snow. In my heart of hearts my mood seems to be like some unnamable shade of gray, loneliness creeping in again.
To the right I look for "my" mesa. It stands like a lone guardian over the ridge to the east, over shadowing the scrub and pond below it. I often hike along that mesa, sometimes sitting for hours , just thinking. I find the need to detach my self from the busy and hectic ideals of the campus and dorms. As of late, I cannot even hear my self thinking. Dwarfed by the rolling mesa's and hills I find comfort.
Yet the ache for home does not ease away, no matter how I try to bury it. Mum let me go, even though she knew this first year would be hard. I now feel the hollow tug at my heart, the want to return to what was. I came to Grand Junction because of the natural beauty and for the size of the college I am now affiliated with. But beauty , nor the closeness of a small town , can fill the loneliness inside. In time things will be different. Until then I will continue to go on, in the first year on my own.
Tonight I go to Aikido again, week seven or eight now. We've been doing some interesting work between the Tanto's and Jo's. Bokken leaves something to be desired, but we'll probably hit that next week. I am finding more and more that the calm which was so illusive to me a few weeks ago, is slowly coming back. I'm still a bit jumpy, but my reactions are getting less and less noticeable. Tonight the infamous unbleachable Gi is going to be used. Trimming the sleeves was a royal pain, but a necessary one. Hopefully ukemi won't be quite so bad on my bone bruises after this. I'm still having some sight issues, but I think if I can reach out and gauge the distance between me and my partner I'll be able to compensate for some of the issues I had last class.
… I think I'm going to make it. I don't want to run from practice anymore, I actually look forward to stepping on the mat. I might get hurt, due to my own withering grace, or an accident. I can accept this. I know, from looking to each and everyone of my class mates that I can trust them to take care of me and in turn that they can trust me. I know I will never be hit again like I was many years ago, and that given time I will not have to wince or flinch every time we all work together. I can smile now, despite the tears of frustration and sometimes fear… because I know that the most beautiful smile is the one hidden behind all the masks, like the last lily. I know I am worth something now, and that leaving the past I brighten the future for my self and those who I share my life with.
The wind had picked up and chill is setting into the air. I can only spare another glance at the world around me. People come and go, some I know, some I don't. Cars volley for the spaces and the clock tower to my left continues to note the time.
Yet I am still.
Perhaps slowing down and watching the world around you from time to time is what the chaos within needs. Sometimes on the mat things slow down like this. I am in awe of the precise and graceful rhapsody that is played out on the mat, and even more so in those rare moments when I sing out my own melody and flow with the line that we have created.
This to me is Aikido.
However, I must end this entry. The snow will not wait for me to move, nor will my next class.
02-24-2003 02:54 PM 