en Sun, 22 Nov 2009 05:59:17 GMT Tue, 03 Nov 2009 18:08:11 GMT http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss vBlogetin aw_forums@aikiweb.com aw_forums@aikiweb.com Tue, 03 Nov 2009 18:08:11 GMT Reading another blog I was drawn to this idea of The Lost Student...
If I had to describe my intentions in this world in one word it would be "student." It's been one of the most central concepts attached to my personal identity...and I'm proud of this fact. Growing up I felt it was ok to be ignorant or lacking somehow as long as I was working on it; as long as I was studying how to be better. In many ways it became my safe-haven whenever I felt less-than-adequate.
I feel it's been both a blessing and a curse for me though. A curse because at times it's allowed too much of a sense of slack. I didn't have to hit the mark, "because I was trying." There are other factors involved in this too. I have a strong perfectionist streak in me and, recognizing that, I've been afraid at times to give it too much reign over how I respond to things, making me at times a little too stoic.
That said, at one point I lost my life's ambition...gave it up, really. I went from having a drive about which to organize all my actions, to no clear motivation. I began to live more and more moment to moment and my motto became, "the unaimed arrow never misses." I still identified myself as a "student of/for life," but I was no longer organized and the more I slipped into this mode of thought, the more inconsistant I became overall. Part of the reason for this was as a defense-mechanism for my growing depression...and it was definately a circular dynamic since part of the reason I became depressed, in my opinion, is the lack of direction and purpose.
So, at any rate, I became more and more of a lost student. In retrospect it wasn't as bad as it seemed at the time. Also, if I hadn't gone down the path I did, I wouldn't have the family I do now, and I don't think I'd trade that for anything...except maybe everlasting world peace and harmony...and I think I'm safe from having to make THAT sacrifice.
Now I find myself coming back to my own personal kind of one-point. My eye is suddenly discovering targets again; purpose. And I have a lot of what people euphamistically refer to as "life experience." All in all, not so bad I guess, though at times when I was feeling very lost, it seemed I was tumbling into oblivion.
Funny how the mind works both as a powerful tool when organized, and a powerful hinderance when not. Even when without a purpose, when it's organized, purpose seems to pop up unexpectedly.
I'm still quite the stoic, but now it seems my purpose in life is to find cohesive and functioning organization. To build up myself so myself can build up my household and my household can help build up the world.
Anyway...top o' the head now swept clean, it's time for chores.
Cheers.]]> mathewjgano Wed, 28 Oct 2009 14:34:44 GMT Lately I've come to the conclusion that I've been confusing with
I started my before I ever found Aikido, but because Aikido was such a nice fit I began to blur the lines I think. Aikido became the title of my "way," despite less and less physical training, until anything which seemed to loosely fit was simply called Aikido.
It's interesting that as my "way" has lately been clarifying, I'm looking at Aikido in a renewed light. Gradually, as my sense of this coalesces, I feel greater momentum and drive toward my study of Aikido develop as well. I've never stopped thinking about Aikido. That has been my one constant connection to the art, but I find my thoughts taking a subtle shift into something slightly more concrete...something more urgent. Recently I took my Jo which has long been darkened by the oily sweat of my hands and lightly sanded it. The accumulated gunk quickly rendered the sandpaper useless and I had to get another piece. I thought of the Shinto concept of tsumi, which is also said to be cumulative, and I smiled as I gently removed the old layers of grime I had allowed to collect.
The job isn't done. An interesting polkadot pattern has formed from the many many hits it took, and while I rather like the look of it, I plan on finishing the job.
All that's left is to do it.]]> mathewjgano