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<blogEntries>
<blogEntry id="4843">
	<title><![CDATA[Aiki Taisai]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I had intended on writing a little about our Aiki Taisai sooner and in more depth, but I've had a lot on my plate and my mind has been a little too scattered. Our family friend who has been fighting brain cancer passed away a couple days after the Boston Marathon bombings. I thought I was prepared for her passing since we've been dealing with her struggle for some time now, but I broke down uncontrolably at her wake and had to leave the room. I will always remember the way her singing voice filled the room and gave me shivers; it was so soulful and clear every time I heard it.
I had a number of things I was going to remember and focus on to write about, but enough time has gone by that they're already not as vivid as they were. The images and sounds which still flash through my mind from training: branch tips tickling the sky as I shout invocations during misogi and then ashes floating in the air, settling downward toward the rippling Pilchuck river; people smiling and catching up as they see each other for the first time in a while; kiais filling the air and mixing with the satisfying thwack of wood on wood; and lots of laughter. 
This taisai was different for me in one key way. This time I've actually been training somewhat regularly so I felt the distinct responsibility that I was supposed to know what I was doing and to teach the basic form of our practice to our guests who might not be as familiar. By the standards I would like to employ, I did terribly. Whether my cuts were 6 inches off, or I had to double check to make sure I was doing the right thing, or any number of other problems, I felt my lack of understanding and general wherewithal acutely. On the other hand, I had a lot of fun. As long as I remembered that there were plenty of other people who knew plenty, I didn't feel so bad and I was able to just enjoy the process of learning what we were working on with new people. 
All in all I made it to Friday and the first part of Saturday before I had to leave early to make it to the wake in time. For me it was a tiring-but-rewarding time that highlighted a lot of things for me to work on and I feel a renewed sense of drive in my life as a result. Between my training for the marathon this summer, training in Aikido, and the other facets of my life right now, I'm grateful for what I have and anxious to make it grow and share it with the world around me.
Take care, all,
Matthew]]></body>
	<date>05-09-2013</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4798">
	<title><![CDATA[Happy Happy Joy Joy]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[...happy happy joy. Keiko was a blast tuesday! My inlaws are in town so I was able to make it to both the beginner class and the open class. I came home exhausted, energized, and thoroughly delighted.
I was able to show up early like I used to way back in the long long ago, which was kind of fun in its own right. I got to see the newly-lacquered lamps put in the heiden before warming up for the beginner class. We got to do lots of morote dori, which is one of my favorites for how it seems to help remind me to get both sides of my body involved. We did kokyu nage omote and ura and, I want to say, shihonage, but I might be mixing that up with the open class. 
In the open class we trained outside until it got a bit dark. The white hakama and keikogi almost seemed to glow in the dim twilight; I love those kinds of semi-surreal moments. They seem to imbue a sense of the grand mystery of the world/universe, which for me adds to a sense of opening the mind and intent. As fun as that was, I still feel so "new" with regards to the bokuto waza. Certainly I feel more familiar than a year ago, but with taijutsu I have a lot more confidence...like I can "fake it" better. 
At any rate, we went inside and worked on morote dori shiho nage ura before moving on to what I think was a tsuki kokyu nage variation. Sensei started the morote dori focus by showing a variation which brought uke's arm closer to the shoulder, using a bowing motion to facilitate the suppression. It was interesting to note how nage's upper body slid into position compared to the usual method we use, which more or less keeps the arm closer to the center line as in holding a sword in chudan. 
I had so much fun and felt like I was on cloud nine the whole drive home...good times!

And now I'm looking forward to keiko tonight. Today has been a bit of a downer after hearing about some terrible stories that brought to mind some other recent and terrible stories I've heard/read...just can't seem to shake them from my brain. So much beauty and so much ugly...
...and so the training of living and refining life goes; I can almost hear my dad's voice: "keep your chin up."
Be excellent to each other, dudes and dudettes.]]></body>
	<date>04-04-2013</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4761">
	<title><![CDATA[Wahoo!]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Went to bed about 12:30am last night, got up at 6:20am this morning to go for my long run. I went to the earlier training (which is technically for 12+ min./mile people) thinking I could run the hour and then drive up to the dojo for keiko, but when I got there I was told it was a 2-hour day. So I ran 2 hours. I see my usual group coming toward me as I'm on my way back from the half-way point, but then a short while later I see them passing me going the same direction! Turns out it was a 60 minute day for the faster group and a 2 hour day for the slower group. So I got some extra steps in. I actually felt really good throughout the run, though. I was drained by the end, but I finished running faster than when I started. I sent a message to my wife and she replied, "going to head home after all that I bet!" 
"Nope! Going to Aikido!" was my reply.
I was about 30 minutes late; just in time to get a little outdoor training before Sensei brought us inside. I was spent, but had a great time. We worked on morotedori kokyu ho, starting with a focus on the morotedori suppression and then going into the waza proper. Running makes me stiff and I felt very stiff, particularly after having missed roughly the last month of keiko, but I came away feeling pretty good, all things considered. I came home, showered, and promptly took a 2-hour nap. It was the best nap I've had in months! When I woke up I felt awesome! So awesome I went and tackled the pile of gravel while my youngest played in the grass a little. I'm very curious how I'll feel in two days. I never feel too bad the day of and even the day after isn't usually too bad, but the day after that is when my body typically feels "old." We'll see, but for now, "WAHOO!"]]></body>
	<date>03-16-2013</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4736">
	<title><![CDATA[&quot;Is there zero in there?&quot;]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[My 3 year old asked for another cookie from the bag and I said they were all gone. He looked at me for a second then asked, "Is there zero inside there, papa?"
...And likewise, there's no keiko tonight for me. I missed last week because I chose to work a wayward job that came my way, and this week when I needed a babysitter, everyone seems to be sick except (mostly) me. C'est la vie. I could use some limbs twisted, though. I'm always surprised how tight running makes me in certain areas of my back, and I was looking forward to my "weekly" adjustment.
Speaking of which, the marathon training is going modestly well. The long run of our training regimen was 70 minutes last week. We're working at a very conservative pace and it's been great for keeping my usual aches from showing up. I think changing it up to a walk every 9 or 10 minutes allows me to kind of reset my posture. I've also been trying to implement ki in my runs, which [I]seems[/I] to help me focus on smoother, more balanced strides. I find myself focusing a lot on how to strike the ground with my feet and how that feels in different parts of my body. I'll imagine projecting my hara deep to the center of the Earth and I tend to feel my "center" (more or less) stabilize, and my energy increases as my strides expand slightly and my strikes seem more springy.
Suburi at night has been slightly cold and/or windy. A little wet. Nice though, all in all. I've been working more on striking the funky "makiwara" I made, trying to tie my hand movement with foot pressures and maintaining a strong vertical alignment. I don't really know what I'm doing, but I'm exploring and having fun with it still. I'm looking forward to the warmer nights though, where I tend to last a little longer before coming inside. I don't usually use a clock, prefering to try and train my sense of time passing...aparently time flies faster when you're warm.

Update: last night (March 1st) was warmer; found the clock further along than the recent trends would've suggested. Clearly my theory holds some water. :p]]></body>
	<date>02-28-2013</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4712">
	<title><![CDATA[Cropping 101]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I missed keiko last week, so I was anxious to get to training last night. As usual I've been fighting some kind of illness (a rattle in my chest), but just the remnants. This time I remembered to bring my video camera so I would have some study aids in between my attendances in class, however when i got it home I found only about half the class was recorded as the battery died. I also managed to miss the corner where sensei demonstrates bokuto exercises, so I got a great shot of pretty much everyone except him. Still, I was able to at least catch some of my sempai doing the exercises. I also managed to get the first part of the taijutsu portion of class.
We worked on ai hanmi katate tori irimi ura from the gokyu test requirements. Sensei began with seiza, then backwards hanmi handachi, and then from standing. In some sequences we laid the receiving hand on the inside of the knee/lower thigh and uke tried to push nage over through the leg. We did this in a somewhat static way which made it feel very much like a push test. I was trying to receive the incoming force and to be able to stand up into it (even if that meant sinking the hips a little). I liked that it forced me to really feel my base and consider what my knees were doing. 
All in all I got another great workout. My legs were feeling the burn and while I was taking ukemi for sensei, a few times I was shaking from all the exertion. I really needed some mat time; it felt great! 
I could sit here and write a lot more about all the little things I noticed, let alone what I need to work on, but I've got to get the lads to nap. 
Tomorrow I'll be running for an hour and I'm curious how I'll feel after such a great leg workout from last night.
Onward and upward...]]></body>
	<date>02-08-2013</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4707">
	<title><![CDATA[Coffee and Rock N Roll]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Keiko thursday was challenging in a couple dfferent ways. My kids had been sick and had a hard time sleeping, so of course the same was true for my wife and I. I watch them during the day so to keep awake I drank more coffee than I should have. By the time keiko rolled around thursday evening I was fried. I made it just in time to bow in. I like to use the open mat time before class to get my wits and body loosened up, but didn't have the chance to this time. I felt pretty out of it most of the evening, but it was a good chance to work on my ability to focus. By the end of class I felt much better.
The last couple classes have included a focus on a double kesa action, which has been fun to explore. We also worked on gyaku hanmi katatetori ikkyo undo (edited: confused irimi ura from an earlier session), which was done a little differently than in the past. Sensei told me I needed to put more ki in my left flank/kidney area and it was interesting to work on the waza with this in mind. It suddenly became easier to align myself verticaly and to feel the forces settle into my hip/base (i.e. I felt more powerful and more stable). Writing this now I realize the last couple nights I forgot to work on this during my suburi, but tonight I'm leaving myself a note to really work on this. 
On another note, my wife and I are planning on doing the Seattle Rock N Roll Marathon this year and we decided to train for it as part of the Team in Training program. We're going to be fundraising for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, somewhere in the neighborhood of $3000.00 between the two of us. We ran 30 minutes yesterday, and considering I grew up playing soccer and running a lot, I am out of shape! I also got a blister on my left foot and my right foot has been paining me slightly. I figure it's time to lose about 15-20 lbs. and really work on strengthening my ankles and feet, which are about as flat as it gets. It felt good to run though, and I'm looking forward to this "new" aspect of my personal training regimen.]]></body>
	<date>01-27-2013</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4699">
	<title><![CDATA[Iki inochi]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[So our family friend did quite well with her procedure. They delayed things because of some respiratory issues, but once it was done, she was awake and responsive fairly quickly. She responded so well to it that they're talking about letting her go home soon. She has to relearn how to swallow and walk, but things look much better. 
I was going to drop the lads off at my mom's so I could train today, but with the events surrounding our friend, my mom is visiting the hospital today. My wife is on a "mom's weekend" catching up and unwinding with friends, so I'm stuck at home. It's a beautiful sunny day so I'm going to bundle up the "wee'uns" and play in the frost-covered yard. I'll take a few licks at the makiwara in between pretending to be an airplane and a construction zone (the popular games of the day).
Suburi the last few nights has been very cold. I'm getting a little tendonitis in the outside of my wrists so I need to stretch and relax my grip more. I've been massaging along the ulna which seems to help a bit. 
I've been trying to focus on accessing my lower back better since I've also been feeling some tightness around there. Last night I asked my wife to run an elbow along my spine and she ran into a very tender spot. That area is usually pretty tender, but it was much more than usual. I've been noticing, too, when i walk my right kidney area feels tighter than normal. 
...so, as usual, today i will try to relax my hips and spine and work on breath practice and alignment.
Take care.]]></body>
	<date>01-12-2013</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4698">
	<title><![CDATA[Life and Death]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[No biggy right? I wanted to write more on my last blog because I'm trying to really pick apart my training experiences so I can maximize my learning. Unfortunately I found my motivation was flagging due to a very close family friend who is toward the end of her short life. A friend of my cousin's, she was all but adopted by my aunt and uncle and has been living with them for years now. She's been battling brain cancer for a while and is about to go through a temporary procedure which has considerable risk involved. From what I understand, this procedure is about making her last...days?...weeks?...a little nicer. They recently drained some fluid and it left her unable to speak much. This one will hopfully take away enough pressure and not cause too much damage so she can interact with her loved ones more. 
One funny bit...so she wasn't able to talk and for some reason they had a TV going with no sound. I'm not sure if it was some kind of therapy or what, but it was on all day. Late at night they're just sitting there watching the thing and her dad asked if she wanted him to leave the TV on to which she replied instantly, "turn the damn thing off," and then gave a bemused smile a moment later. Never underestimate a fiesty spirit!
Cherish every moment, folks. 

Walking Life's Pathways
blindness around each corner
steps are miracles]]></body>
	<date>01-09-2013</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4696">
	<title><![CDATA[First keiko of the year]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Good fun, of course. After dropping the boys off at gramma's I thought I would be late, but I was just in time. It was a small group, sensei making a total of 6. I like these kinds of days because it always feels more intensive. 
Bokuto things to focus on: 
[LIST]
[*]Softer right hand
[*]Less tucking tail/better hip alignment
[*]Activate and relax the knees more
[*]Drill and Kill kata
[/LIST]
I started out paired up with the new uchi deshi. I suddenly couldn't remember my next movement in a kata (I should have down pat by now), but fortunately he remembered it for me (er...it was a test...yeeeah, I was testing him!). I've been focusing more on the parts of the kata so I still have a strong sense of the whole flow for some of them and need too much memory jogging. If I'm going to work toward that "First Step" I need to cross those proverbial "i's" and dot those proverbial "t's." 
The major lesson seemed to be better use of the hips through better alignment and rotation; and relax more in general. I would be moving and sensei would say "stop," so we'd freeze and he would make various postural corrections pointing out where I had too much tension. At one point sensei demonstrated a connection between a kesa exercise and taijutsu application. 
For the taijutsu portion of class I requested shomenuchi tenchi nage. We didn't quite get to the whole thing, but we did get a nice close look at shomenuchi. After practicing the attack itself we essentially practiced slipping past it with a shomen of our own. Then we practiced using that same initial feeling but while connecting with the other hand and finishing with kokyu nage.
Being so close to New Year's there were a handful of sanpaisha visiting the shrine so we were mindful of this throughout the practice. I would hear the bell and clapping followed in a few minutes by a ring of the juyosho (shrine store) "door bell," and the sound of Mrs. Barrish hurrying to greet the visitors.]]></body>
	<date>01-08-2013</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4686">
	<title><![CDATA[Reaching for Stars]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Half way up a mountain top
a town with a simple name
Adequate was a nice place to stop
so that is where I came
The peak was seen so clear it seems
the valley down below
the trees so green the air was clean
with rich soil in which to grow
Because the hike was hard indeed
I rested and planted roots
strong vines and flowers from my seeds
and many different kinds of fruit.
But at long last I looked above
I saw the shining sun
I remembered once a long lost love
and dropped my plow to run
Enough became not itself
once I saw what I ate
for life was like the muffled bell
unclear and dim: in Adequate.]]></body>
	<date>12-30-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4682">
	<title><![CDATA[Last keiko of the year]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Well, 2012 has been a year of renewal for me. I resumed a vague semblance of consistency to my training. I averaged < 1 day/week mat time, but began a much more consistent personal effort, never mind my ignorant attempts at solo work, which have been more or less every day. This Christmas Eve finds me as usual in Spokane, where I tried to shovel snow "properly." My lower back tells me I failed miserably, but such is life; onward and upward, ne?
2012 has felt very much like the end of an older life. Some of the stuff I started writing about on this blog finally started to come into fruition; I've been looking at my issues more in terms of a past era than of a present situation. Not that my years of depression don't still affect me, but it has been a very reflective time for me and the impression I have at present is of moving on. Just as I started reading my older blog posts, I dug up some old journals from high school, college (the First Drop-Out Period), and my early 20's. It was depressing...very depressing. The repetitive nature of what I had to say; the desperate grasping for something Good and Great; the incredibly young voice trying to be an old wise soul I read in my words brought back a lot of things, some of it remembered differently than what I wrote...Life's a trip. I often think that where we lack "real" problems, our minds manufacture them for us; like a well-crafted sword that creates burs along its edge when it runs out of things to cut, we must polish it ceaselessly, especially in times of relative peace and ease.
Anyway...
keiko was awesome. It's my realignment therapy: I go in feeling very isolated stretches and come out feeling those stretches broaden into something a little more whole-body in feel. I was able to make some of the corrections my sensei and sempai offered to me, which always feels like an accomplishment. Making them automatic will be more difficult of course, but that's the "path" isn't it? 
We worked on ai hanmi katate tori irimi ura, which is one of my favorites (i.e. I'm more familiar with it; it feels closer to being second nature). After bokuto practice we always start off with suwari kokyuho (fairly sure that's the formal classification), then do the requested form, then some variations or similar movements. We ended up finishing with an irimi nage form that uses a double atemi, but it was done in kata form, emphasizing 6 basic steps along the continuum. 
Sensei as usual gave me a great workout in the form of jiyuwaza. I get the impression that part of the reason behind all the jiyuwaza I get is to really help me catch up. I cannot help but feel greatful; it's a precious experience for me. Afterward I had to go get a drink of water because after being sick so much of the autumn (literally been sick or recovering from being sick since late august), I'm just not able to keep going as well as I'd like. The sincerity and accuity of attention sensei demands is at the center of what I like so much about training with him. My perception is that keiko "works" based on the cultivation of sincerity; that sincerity drives our accuities and pervades everything we do; and that when I train at Tsubaki Kannagara Jina, I come away with renewed sincerity that makes the other things I do just a little bit better. My responses are generally swifter and more accurate; more efficient...and this is true whether I'm playing Virtua Fighter, writing poetry, or playing with my kids. And as I sit here thinking of all this, it creates an echo of it in my mind that I will try to hold on to as I enjoy this Christmas time, this time of gathering together to enjoy bonds of family and prepare for the coming of the new year.
"Bright and shining."
Mind grasping at the sword of form
speaks in rasps at the fumbled shorn
but through the rythm it comes to calm
to quiet the fight and sing along
sigh and straighten
awaken and smile
let fly the breeze of easy makin'
and live the dream a while
Rinse and repeat
repeat and rinse
hone the bone from head to feet
and seat the soul upon the throne.

Jewel like the stars above
shining and bright 
through darkness of night
I throw more fuel into the stove.]]></body>
	<date>12-24-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4675">
	<title><![CDATA[Random whimsy]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[In a goofy mood; here's a very rough draft for a poem: 


3 blind primates went to the zoo
felt an elephant and knew what to do
they each procured a telephone
then commenced to calling up a bro
"spread the news" they earnestly said
and each one put the idea in head
on and on, down the line it went
until the truth was locked in cement
"the zoo is full of purple toes"
"no it's not, its elephants glow!"
(don't ask me how the blind one knows)
ribs were poked and so were spleens
but eyes got what they wanted to see
so all were pleased when they looked inside
"that fool cannot see the truth in my mind."
...and then they had cake.

Sorry for that; told you it was a rough draft.
 
Have a great day, folks!:) [URL="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBzJGckMYO4"]Ciao![/URL]]]></body>
	<date>12-09-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4672">
	<title><![CDATA[Overview and]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[General overview
Training has flagged a bit more than I planned. I was hoping for a gradual increase, a nice shallow slope to the imaginary graph in my head, but it's gone slightly downward. However, our household schedule is pretty busy to begin with, and stuff does happen. The half full glass might say that compared to the last several years or so, it is at least [I]a[/I] degree of consistency; which fits with my current overarching training goal of "something rather than nothing." Any time I think of training or my posture I take a moment to try to relax and expand my posture, and focus on the expansion and contraction I feel in different parts of my body while breathing deeply. 
My more formal attempts at solo practice consist largely in exploring simple movements like shomen uchi and kesa uchi while trying to activate and relax different parts of my body; paying attention to relaxing the hips and shoulders in general. Lately I've been trying to activate my back side more, which was further reinforced last night in class by my sempai when he told me to try to do the technique more from my rear shikaku(s) (the idea being to more equally engage all 4 "corners" I think). So I am trying to feel my front and back sides in conjunction while moving, then adding left and right sides, and up and down, in various orders. 
To my mind all of this is tied to the idea of developing an accurate proprioceptive awareness to begin sensing and integrating whole-body movement more accurately and efficiently (as near as I can muster at least). Dan recently wrote on having a profound neutral. I'm making no claims at understanding his meaning, but it brought to mind a thought I've often had which describes my attempts to "find neutral" through equal engagement of the whole body about the center area. One way I'm focusing on this is trying to understand shizentai. In practicing shizentai I am trying to find center and in a sense shape my body around it through relaxation and activation of complimentary parts. Whether it's my wrists, forearms, shoulders, rib cage, or what have you, one side tends to have more latent tension than the other so that when I try to stand as perfectly upright as possible, I am in fact a somewhat crooked, twisting form; parts are overly tight or overly loose and I'm trying to improve my proprioceptive ability so I can actually center myself instead of just thinking it...to have a solid sense of where I am physically and adjust that in some specific way. 
On the mat I'm trying to develop the sense of projecting ki throughout and to feel the relationships between foot and hand movement (with respect to the center area) while "sitting back" into an upright posture; "squeezing" the centerline with my right and left sides and relaxing any parts that feel too tense. Of course doing and intending to do are two different things, nevermind all the many things I'm not even aware of yet. 

Keiko thursday night was a blast! I got run ragged; had to take a small water break at one point. Loosened up a lot of tension that's been building up in my neck and back and got a great work out. We worked initially on gyaku hanmi kata tori soto kaiten. I really like kata tori for the way it seems to get me to think about my upper torso; it forces me to feel what my shoulder areas are doing more and focus on relaxing them and engaging them by spreading them apart and rotating them around the spine, more or less. 
I got a lot of jiyu waza in with sensei, which I always feel greatful for. The process of exploring how to connect and reconnect seems like a great practice for this re-neophyte (that's a word, right?:D ). It feels like a process of continually seeking improved balance: he moves/twists a limb and I have to find how to move with it so my center/base become more stable; I'm constantly trying to resettle my base and structure and as soon as I get there I have to do it all over again...and again and again and again until I can barely stand up. Once I get to the point of physical exhaustion I start perceiving what I think of as the more essential mechanisms for having an upright and balanced (relatively) posture/tone. 
That's the impression for now, at least. Onward and upward.]]></body>
	<date>12-01-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4655">
	<title><![CDATA[Ahhhhhhh.]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Finally! I made it back on the mat after a month or so of sickness and other life events getting in the way. It's hard having a wife who is a dedicated teacher who takes the time to bring other teachers up to speed while working hard as ever to keep her students progressing. I was supposed to have thursdays as my training day, but with my wife's work load I've been lucky to have the saturdays I've had. I'm not complaining though. I'm proud of her and look to her as a regular source of inspiration for the kind of dedication people can apply to their craft. In retrospect, I just traded one set of lessons with another; it's up to me to make those bear fruit...one slow step at a time, if that's how it is.
Between coughing fits, the practice was great fun. I was happy to still feel comfortable with the basic form of things because it meant I could focus on what drives the form: soft, whole-body power. Sensei asked me for a kyu waza request and I chose morote dori shihonage. I wanted morote dori because it helps force me to use both sides of my upper body together and gives me a great work out as uke. Similar reasons for shihonage; I love the stretch through my torso I often get. 
I was able to train at one point with the senior-most student and one of the things I always love about that is how he doesn't let me just go through the motions. The second I start muscling I can feel the mistake. Even though he is incredibly soft in his actions, I just suddenly find myself unable to keep going...and it's "smooth," unlike some of my kohai who are able to tense up and stop me, which feels very different...the difference between running into, and being stopped by, an elastic net and a brick wall. 
The next day I "ran" a 5k with the wife and lads. I was glad for the bit of exercise the day before and the health that has returned, but afterward I was exhausted. I was surprised at how much so until I remembered I did much of it with my 3-year old on my shoulders and I weigh more now than I ever have in my life. Basically, a 155lbs. guy ran/walked weighing 210lbs. including lots of jumping and spinning and other fun, but tiring, activities. I'm suprised my ankles and knees feel as good as they do, all things considered. Next year I'm going to run a marathon though, so things are looking promising. Hurray for health!
Take care.]]></body>
	<date>10-29-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4647">
	<title><![CDATA[A warm wind blows]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I was starting to think my feaver was kicking up again, but when I checked outside I noticed it was a pretty warm wind blowing. The rain had stopped and I felt pretty good so I went outside for about an hour of my moving meditation practice. The wind felt great and was very refreshing. At one point I looked up at the clouds rushing past and it was just as a single bare spot presented a single dim star before passing along and out of sight: A perfect metaphor for too many things to list.
Initially I worked on loosening up my hips around the femur sockets as I "sat down" into mugamae and then tried to spring into various cuts from that position. Apart from that I just tried to feel where the tension was and to balance it out between the different sides, focusing primarily on left and right. At one point I recalled reading a post of David Orange's today where he mentioned the three dan tiens so I also tried to focus on aligning head, heart, and "tama," and found myself turning/"squeezing" around the fixed axis it created. Regardless of how poorly I move, it felt good and relatively balanced; poised.
All in all I feel great right now, although I notice I'm slouching as I type this. Time for some mint tea and ibuki undo before going to sleep.]]></body>
	<date>10-15-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4646">
	<title><![CDATA[My mind right now]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA["Intercept what comes; pursue what departs."
This is a rough quote of something I recently read which was describing the Wing Chun Chisao drill. I like it because it fits so well with what I understand of Aikido. "When the enemy arrives at the gate, go and greet him." Is a rough quote my teacher gave me one time. I have some vague impressions that come to mind when I think of it. I think first of the need to be assertive and decisive. There is no room for quibbling with yourself over the best course of action; thought must give way to pure, wordless perception in order to give the body the kind of readiness it needs to respond to the "enemy." Particularly so since presumably the "enemy" has already made his decision to attack. So we must be every bit as decided in our actions as those who would attack us.
Secondly I think of "fullness of body." When the "enemy" makes contact, where ever that contact is made, we must have as much of our body present behind it so we can use our whole body to block the "enemy" from walking though our "gate" to wreck havoc on our "inner sanctum." When an obstacle presents itself to an "enemy" he has to go around it somehow and this is where I think the "pursue what departs" comes in. To my mind this speaks to the constance of irimi. I must maintain pressure so the "enemy" cannot reorganize his attack. 
In training we have all these limbs and the many internal systems which allow them to exert pressure into our partners, which makes it a very complicated thing to pay attention to. It's as if a Hydra were trying to come in and as we press one head back, one or two more press forward. We must be as equally Hydra-like (or more so) as our attacker/partner, or we can be pushed aside and controlled. So assertive action and fullness of body together allow us to deal with martial situations.
Training partners are essential to our learning because they offer their efforts to find openings and demonstrate without question when they find them. I've been practicing in the evenings by myself, and while I find it invaluable for keeping my body awareness/feel more alert, it just doesn't cut the mustard when it comes to correcting my openings or "suki"...at least at present. It helps a little, but I definately feel an acute need for being on the mat right now. 
I've been fighting a nasty sinus infection that finally seems to be ebbing, so I haven't been going outside to practice this past week. I've also missed keiko the last couple weeks so I am feeling a gapping "suki" in my training. I'm looking forward to this week's keiko and resuming my usual regimen of solo practice. The one thing of which I've kept a thin thread active is the set of breathing exercises I practice...although that's been hard since I keep bursting into fits of coughing, particularly when I try any kind of deep breathing. 
On a lighter note: how 'bout that skydiver breaking the sound barrier!? Pretty f-ing sweet! Inspirata for pushing my limits...of greeting the myriad world at my gate!
Cheers to you all!
...and good health too!
Matt]]></body>
	<date>10-15-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4625">
	<title><![CDATA[Equinox Keiko]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Been a little run down this week. The lads are sick again, although not too bad. Last sunday I went to a Wing Chun class an acquaintance from highschool is teaching. I wanted to support him and I've always been interested in it so I went for the two hour class. I had fun learning the first form and I enjoyed the relaxed atmosphere of his training style. Train for about 50 minutes; have some tea and chat; train some more; have some tea before leaving. All in all quite pleasant, but I also enjoyed the punching mits. It was interesting how awkward I felt doing even just simple movements. They're very similar to movements we use in Aikido, but not being familiar and mimicking as we went along did a lot for making me feel uncoordinated.
What most interesting to observe in myself is the constant desire to translate everything back into Aikido. I was excited about what we were working on, but I kept wanting to talk about how it's like Aikido and I felt like I was overstepping my bounds as a student...even if it was just because I was happy to be learning what little I have so far. I'm going to be there tomorrow so I'll be more conscious of this ahead of time instead of after the fact. 
Today's keiko was fun as usual, but I went into it a little flustered. I forgot to do the dishes last night so I had to rush them this morning. Then right before I went to leave I noticed my hakama wasn't in my bag. I looked all over and still could't find it so I just grabbed my non-cut-off (i.e. normal length) keiko gi pants and planned on training in extra beginner-mind attire. I was late so of course everyone driving in front of me wanted to drive 5mph below the speed limit. Earlier in the year I would have been quite flustered. Today wasn't that bad. I've been in a little bit of a rhythm with my training (actually making it a habit again) and it's amazing what that can do for self-confidence. Turns out I don't mind making mistakes if I feel like they're fewer and farther between. When I arrived I found my hakama sitting neatly, waiting for me. Apparently my bag being full of misogi gear made me think I had it when in fact, I did not. [I] [B]"Too many mind!" [/B][/I]
I still feel pretty weak with my bokuto work, but it's coming along. Today I got to work with the senior most student...he always amazes me with his calm focus. 
[I]Mugamae; seigan; (unknown technique); [double kesa uchi]; hassho; kesa[/I]
I worked on taking the center line, but based on the interaction I can tell I need to work on being more assertive. Part of my problem with weapons is the fear that I'm going to mess up and so I tend to pull back a little. I'm careful (mostly) not to disengage too much, but I find myself not cutting with the kind of clarity I ought to be. Something to focus on in the future.
It started raining so we went in and finished up with some jo work on the mat. I got to do a bit of work with sensei on this and I really enjoyed it. We worked on deflecting kesa and moving into an otoshi tsuki. Toward the end I began getting the "flick" which tosses uke's jo down before I enter in with the otoshi tsuki.
For waza we worked on ai hanmi katate tori shiho nage omote. I was going to ask for the same technique, so I was stoked. Last week I was going to ask for a morote dori, but someone else made a request first...which was for a morote dori movement. So it seems like me and a couple other students have been on a similar wavelength. I love my experiences with shiho nage. As uke I love the winding stretch through my torso; as nage I love the way it forces me to get more of my torso into the exchange.
Tonight was my gramma's 80th birthday party. I got to watch my boys run around and interact with my extended family and that, combined with the tired feeling I still have from keiko, has left me feeling all warm and fuzzy. My training is part of my personal efforts at being the best person I can be, which is itself an extension of the love and unending support I've received from my family. For me, this is where love and budo :ai: .
Anyhoo...off to do suburi and breathing exercises...
g'night!]]></body>
	<date>09-22-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4617">
	<title><![CDATA[Ohisashiburi!]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I went to bed early last night so I would be more awake for misogi shuho...it'll wake you all on its own, but I enjoy it more when I'm already wide awake. Driving north to the dojo I could see the morning mists still nestled in some of the valleys, complimenting the beautiful morning very nicely. As is so often the case, I was a little out of it. I had a hard time keeping in sync with things, even clapping too early at one point during hakushu, but once I hit the water the forced relaxation kicked in and the cold surface of my skin was envigorating. When I was a kid I was weird. I would take cold baths sometimes because I loved how relaxed, but alert I would feel. Misogi often reminds me of my childhood because of this association and I'm sure it's led to my affinity for it. As a skier, winter was my favorite season, and just as I loved being out in the brisk cold, I loved the warm cocoa or oatmeal that always went with it. Similarly, I loved the hojicha which followded today's misogi. I can still picture the swirling steam rising between my hands, which were eager to soak up the heat.
...it's the little things in life.
Anyhow, we went out into the haiden for chyohai (daily ceremony) and then outside onto the deck, which faces southward toward the sun and river, to practice the chinkon no gyo. One day I plan to learn this meditation more formally. 
Before keiko we got a wonderful surprise! A fellow student I havent seen in probably 7 or more years dropped by unannounced from out of town. I so regret not making sure I got to practice with him! I was too busy focusing on the training and before I knew it class was over. I've always been impressed by this person and always had absolutely the most fun training with him so it was just good to see him. Sensei seemed almost beside himself with happiness to see him. It was a bright and sunshiney day all around!

The waza today for taijutsu was a request for a 5th kyu conditioning exercise: "morote dori irimi." We began by working on the morote dori attack, and then moved on to the irimi exercise before then adding what I believe was ikkyo. Sensei made a lot of corrections for me, but the one which stands out right now was his correction of my hand configuration. We use the tora no kuchi hand shape a lot (if not always) and I was overextending along my thumb line, which created a kind of kink in the ki-flow system from my forearm. 
Ok done writting. I'm finding myself with huge amounts of enthusiasm for training as a result of today's events so I'm going to go out and play Samurai Matt now.
Cheers all!]]></body>
	<date>09-15-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4614">
	<title><![CDATA[Revenge for my Davey Crockett hat as a kid:]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[The last week I've been pretty good about practicing each night for about an hour. I'm focusing on loosening up my hips and legs; finding where exactly my body is and being relaxed enough that I can feel subtle stretches. Two nights ago I started practicing an older kata which involves whati think of as walking around one of the hips: so in migi hanmi the left foot moves forward and shifts directino around the right leg/hip. My right hip/leg is much tighter than my left from (I presume) my 20-ish years as a right-footed soccer player. Last night I continued working on this kata as well as the unsoku and tegatana dosa practice I learned from my brief stint with the Shodokan method. The hard part is remembering to be relaxed during the day when I'm not focusing on it. This afternoon I took the lads outside and while they ran around in the back yard moving rocks (I'm building a gravel walkway) and eating plums, etc. I practiced simple shomen and kesa uchi. I'm trying to have the feeling that the bokuto is floating atop a big ball, on the centerline, instead of feeling the weight so much. Today it felt a little like that.
Each evening has been getting a little cooler. The stars and breezes take on a colder more severe tone, which shifts the emphasis a little. It takes more effort to practice when it's cold out, but once I get going I'm quite comfortable. Last night I got pushed out of my yard by a family of 5 or 6 raccoons. The last few nights they've watched me...and I've watched them...and they've come by to get some bugs, but always by the fence line. Last night I saw a little kid walk from behind the garage and take a look at me before turning around. Then I heard some chittering and saw the whole gang come pouring out of the darkness. At first they kept to their usual spots, but they kept spreading out in an arc around me. Finally, three of them got together and started walking toward me so I decided to volunteer the feeding ground I was practicing in. I think they may have been studying my movements and felt confident they could take me if need be so I thought a tactical retreat was in order. It didn't help that the whole time they're chittering away I kept picturing the raccoons from The Great Outdoors...I think they may have been talking smack. We'll see what I get tonight. :D
G'night,
Matt]]></body>
	<date>09-11-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4605">
	<title><![CDATA[Fun in the sun]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I've been trying to write a blog post over the last few days, but haven't had much motivation. Just as there is no try, no blog came forward either. Today's keiko was a lot of fun though and I think it has provided the impetus for me to write an account of my training this week. 
The last several evenings I've been practicing between 30 minutes and an hour, trying to focus on breath and movement as well as loosening up my hips and wrists. I've been feeling rather tight and beginners' keiko on thursday reinforced this idea. I reverted into the older style of ai hanmi katate tori during the demonstration of waza and had a hard time pulling it together (forgot the correct attack for what we've been working on, in other words), and I just felt really stiff and not real responsive. Still, it was good to get thrown around, and I always can stand a reminder for how quickly things can tighten up.
My plum tree finally has some plums on it that didn't either fall off too soon or rot on the branch so I brought a bunch to offer to kamisama. I've come to really enjoy sharing what I get from my garden. I don't always have much in the way of money and while sensei has alway been very magnanimous about this, I always feel a little better about it when I have something extra to offer to the jinja, slight though it may be. 
The weather was perfect, as has been so often the case this summer, so we headed outside to train. We went down to the river and waded across to the little island. The rocks always make for an interesting surface; I enjoy the massage they give my feet. Some of the paired exercises were new. In one, we're basically each doing kesa uchi and the bokuto meet in the middle. I worked hard on connecting the movements between my hips and shoulders. We followed it with the same exercise using only tegatana. At one point my partner smiled and said it suddenly got much harder to control me: it was when I suddenly remembered I have two hips. Funny how just thinking about both sides can help engage them. Shortly, I started pulling too much, but it was nice to suddenly remember something and then have it make an improved effect...although I often feel like a two year old picking up bunches of toys wherein each new acquisition causes a previous one to fall. I regularly feel like I have to constantly return to picking up the old "toys." But I guess that's training. All in all, I was able to remember the sequences shown pretty well, which made me happy. Walking back through the cool water was a nice refreshing break before going inside to formally begin taijutsu.
Sensei asked for kyu requests and as usual I was slow in replying. I have a habit of always waiting to see if others want to work on something. Turns out someone did so we worked on ai hanmi katate tori kokyu nage omote. We focused on a few different aspects of the body movement: offering one shikaku surface for the katate tori suppression, but rolling it over to greet with another; planting the elbow on aite to really get a sense for controlling the centerline; activating the back to assist in wrapping aite around us before cutting back into him/her; controlling the upper spine and lower spine and several other toys I've since dropped. I spent most of my time training with a new student which is always good for figuring out how to connect meaningfully. One interesting observation I had is how reluctant newer folks can be to throw you. I'm not great at ukemi, particularly if there's anything tricky going on, but I generally feel pretty comfortable with being knocked over, so I tried to get him to do that. There were a couple times where he filled in my space pretty well and it was nice to be thrown instead of "inviting" the throw to happen as I usually did. Ironically though, I think I tend to still be a bit reluctant to throw sometimes...or at least to not be as clear and assertive with my actions (e.g. collapsing a bit as I think about where/when to put aite on the mat). The more (consistently) I train though, the more I see things coming together, so I'm feeling pretty happy about my slow but steady progress right now.
I've got a couple of people who have expressed a willingness to work with me at odd times to add to my training. It will be hard to make these work I think, but I really want to train more and this seems like a good opportunity to add to what I've been able to do so far. Time will tell.
...and now to practice some more on my own. Good night!
Take care,
Matthew]]></body>
	<date>09-01-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4601">
	<title><![CDATA[Summer nights]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[My "nightly" practices have flagged a bit. After a series of birthdays, camping trips, and a few different kinds of employment-related stress, I've noticed I haven't been as gung ho to go out and practice. This week I've been a bit better though. The last few nights I've practiced for about an hour each; I've also been trying to make it a point to think more about how I'm using my body throughout the day. The night before last, I was going at it more vigorously than I thought because last night certain muscles in my chest were sore. It's related to the way I tend to cut with my left arm; I tend to squeeze/slide my humorus against my body...probably with too much muscle tension?
Last night and the night before I tried to focus on balancing the left and right sides of my chest and shoulders, which seemed to relax my neck so it felt more like it was a helmet balancing on a stick (the image I try to have in mind). Barrish Sensei has told me a few different times that one feeling I should strive for is to be ready to head-butt aite at any moment. This means (and/or seems to mean) relaxing the upper torso and generally "sitting back" in my posture a bit more. So for a while I tried to do suburi with this feeling of activating my upper spine and head; experimenting a little with shomenuchi and yokomenuchi strikes. I tried little rotations of the head while doing this to see how it affected the line(s) of tension. As usual, I thought I saw some interesting dynamics, but not quite sure. Right now the general goal of my solo practice is to develope improved "body-feel," a concept I think I got from Bruce Lee's, [U]Tao of Jeet Kun Do[/U]; to develop a visceral sense of my anatomy in action. Relaxing has always seemed like the key to finding the body; a tension blocks attention...or something like that. :D 
As usual, I also tried to focus on femoral rotation, feeling how the two sides of the hips interact. Sometimes it feels like I'm making progress with regard to balancing tension and relaxing the hip muscles, but more often than not I just feel like a bundle of over-tight ropes that restricts my own ability to move freely. 
One thing that continually strikes me is how much I love being out in nature. These night time suburi sessions have almost become a real habit and I'm enjoying them a lot for the mental and physical refresher I've been getting from them. Last night a family of raccoons stopped by for some of the fine variety of beetle we've been keeping in our yard; the other evening a white heron (I think) flew overhead, which looked pretty cool in the night sky; and the stars are always fun to practice under. Their fixed position in the sky (apart from their gradual transition across it) has been fun to line up cuts and other movements with. A few neighborhood cats like to come hang out every once in a while too.
My cousin is getting married this weekend so no keiko tonight or saturday. I'm already looking forward to training next week and am hoping I'm still making some progress. On a related note: for some reason last night I had a hard time focusing on waza, which is one of my main goals right now. Tonight I think I will run through the gokyu and yonkyu list to refresh my memory.]]></body>
	<date>08-23-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4590">
	<title><![CDATA[A river runs around it.]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Today was a gorgeous day! I arrived early so quietly made my way to the changing room as Chyohai (daily ceremony) was finishing up. I helped put away the "shrine stuff" and sweep the mat before stretching and lightly warming up for keiko. We went outside because of the wonderful weather; down to the river. An island of river rocks was formed by the low river, so we kicked off our sandals and shoes and waded through the cool water to the small island before beginning an abreviated warm-up. Sensei went through a few different sequences of movements. They still feel very new to me, but slowly, bit by bit, I feel more familiarized with the different parts. I had a great time barefoot and swinging a stick around. You definately notice your feet more! The cool water was even more refreshing on the way back to the haiden. 
There was a request for "gyaku hanmi katatetori kokyu ho," and after so much time spent outside we spent the remaining time working on this, first from suwari, then from tachi. I was trying to be mindful of the feeling of wrapping aite's head (how I was thinking of it, at least). I was with a newer student and one of the things that's real nice is that they don't always go where expected...although in this case it was because he was stiffening up. I had control of the situation through superior positioning, but my connection wasn't in full control, so it forced me to be more present in order to make it work. Once I got my partner to start activating the other side and to stop arching the back so much, the form looked better and I had to start paying more attention to what he was doing (e.g. he could start hitting me with his free hand). Hopefully I gave some good advice without being too annoying; I was mindful that I was the sempai and so I really tried to fill that role. 
Focus points for the day: Squeezing the centerline with the elbows, and with hara better oriented to lift when suppressing aite in our gyakyhanmi yonkyo nigite method; always feel like you can headbutt from where you are. Both seem to be ways of getting the spine engaged to drive the pressure and the latter also suggests operating from a neutral point, allowing for readiness to strike in any direction, ideally.
After keiko it was off to work building a deck; the sun was hot and I'm dehydrated with a headache, but feeling very good otherwise. Off to do some suburi before bedtime (and more water).
G'night and take care, all.
Matt]]></body>
	<date>08-11-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4579">
	<title><![CDATA[Kihon Kansetsu]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Saturday's keiko was great, as usual. I arrived on time, but feeling a bit out of sorts. I had been up all night with my littlest boy and had received some information that, while not entirely unexpected, was also disconcerting and I carried it around with me a short while. It soon was washed away in sweat and efforts of concentration though. 
We went outside for bokuto practice. I've been having a hard time getting the patterns down. I often omit a step or add a step, or get a movement backwards. I suppose it makes sense since the swordwork is mostly quite new to me. It was a lot of fun though. I paired up with the current uchideshi, who is pretty new to Aikido as far as I know, but he was able to remind me of a couple things I forgot.
Once we went back inside for taijutsu we worked on kansetsu waza, doing a continuous sequence of flowing into ikkyo, nikkyo, sankyo, yonkyo, gokyo, and rokkyo from an ai hanmi seigan initiating point. We then focused on rokkyo from an uraken attack. Periodically sensei would stop us to focus on some aspect or another. For the uraken, in this instance at least, the point wasn't to deliver a devastating blow, but to offset aite's head enough to begin entering into, and controlling, his/her structure. He made the point that someone who is well organized in their attack will be ready to spring into you the moment your hand stops its forward momentum. 
We also practiced a rokkyo exercise where we used only one arm to wrap around the attacking arm like a vine. This helped some of us who were not very familiar with the basic form to understand it better. 
Once again there were too many points for me to catch them all, but each time one was made, the movement was improved a little. Overall I'm focusing on remaining centered: not leaning too far forward, back, or in either side; not over-extending any of my limbs; and maintaining as upright a posture as possible. One of my training partners (nearly all of them, to one extent or another) really likes to have his technique checked for holes by having me try to move. I also love this because it really gives an idea of where I might be weak in my structure. 
As I was leaving it was grtifying to have one of the other students tell me he thought I was doing the sequence of kansetsu waza pretty well. He's been training pretty seriously for a little while as far as I can tell, and he's always felt like a pretty strong guy, so I really appreciated hearing that...even if I still feel a long way off, generally speaking.
Lots of fun...and now I'm off the back yard to do some suburi and other solo practice.
Ogenkide!]]></body>
	<date>07-29-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4571">
	<title><![CDATA[Yosh!]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Keiko yesterday was awesome. I showed up a little late, but still got quite a bit of time in on bokuto waza. I tended to sit down too deeply and arch my lumbar too much. I'm trying to press outward with my knees slightly, but seem to do it to the point of sitting down too much. The lumbar arch has been something of a condition of mine for a long time. I remember one time several years ago when I stopped by for a training, sensei had us sit upright and he walked around pushing on our backs. I wasn't trying to arch my lumbar at all but he said it was too arched. I think this has a lot to do with why I tend to lean too far forward all the time...at least, I get the feeling that it tends to put me farther forward in my structure than is ideal. This corresponds to an idea I heard Dan express (assuming I'm remembering correctly), that in using the "back-bow" it's usually easier for people to press forward and more difficult for them to push backward. I'm guessing this is because most of us are so forward-oriented in our awareness. One of the things the instructor in the beginner's class likes to emphasize is the idea of putting ki/awareness into our backs when practicing movements. It's hard, but I do notice that when I am conscious of balancing my left and right sides, along with my front and back sides, while creating/activating vertical musubi, my movements have a much more interesting dynamic. I feel more responsive and "free," which seems to give me a little more sense of being able to create drive in some given direction...not that I can do it well, but it feels better. So yesterday I focused a lot on not over-arching my back, and not sitting down too much. Somewhere in the middle of my range of motion is a more potent structural orientation for applying pressure, so  in thinking about proper kamae, I'm trying to bounce back and forth like a pendulum, gradually resting it somewhere nearer to center than where I started.
After going inside to work on taijutsu, I got a lot of time taking ukemi from sensei. I've always really enjoyed these times because I always get the feeling of my body getting "squared up." The areas with more tension tend to get stretched out or otherwise loosened up; and it's an exercise in constantly trying to adjust; to find stability. He also demands a lot of attention to how I approach, forcing me to...well...pay more attention. Also, and I've said it before, but despite being a soccer player since age 8, in certain ways this kind of workout is some of the toughest stuff I've experienced. I got tossed around until I could barely get up, but I did my best to keep pressing forward. At one point after sensei was done tossing me about, I had to take a break to get a drink of water. 
I came back, apologized to my training partner for making him wait, and then we worked on a kokyu nage sequence which began from a seigan position. As best as I can tell, from ai hanmi with tegatana in seigan (e.g. right hand forward), using irimi tenkan, the rearward hand (left hand) enters and cuts down into aite's elbow (through to aite's center, ideally); as it cuts the tenkan unfolds and the side that was forward enters rearward into aite's back, more or less. Using the tegatana connection to extend forward around me, and entering with the other side of the back to add to this, we draw aite around before rotating back the other way into aite, entering with the "tegatana" elbow with a rising quality, before then cutting/displacing the head off its base and back down and entering with that typical kokyunage finishing extension, tegatana on aite's head (more or less) and hip. 
After a few rounds of this, Sensei came back over and tossed me around a few more times, much shorter in duration since I was pretty gassed-out at this point. I love how being tired like this forces greater economy of motion in certain regards. It's harder to muscle your way through something when your muscles don't want to fire so readily. I remember at one point looking down and seeing a splatter of sweat on the mat and realizing it was mine. The drops were pretty big as I was pretty well dripping. My wife and I were talking and are planning to do more running together to help get my cardio up. I'm hoping it will help acclimate my body so I'm less of a sweat-hog on warmer days. 
Well, that's it for now. Off to yet another birthday party for one of my son's friends.]]></body>
	<date>07-22-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4568">
	<title><![CDATA[Memories from waza]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Today was a pleasant day all in all. To begin with, my wife takes the kids to a "moms' group" once a week in the morning and since she's working mornings during the summer school I got to be an honorary mom today. I'm only mentioning this because at one point I had to practice that age-old art of stopping kids with my "powerful" kiai (:cool: ) as they merrily ran down a road toward some slight traffic. It stopped them dead in their tracks so my waza is clearly well-honed:D . We were all shouting for them to stop, but it wasn't until I focused and belted it out that they actually did. 
As for the "real" Aikido today I could only make it to beginners' class as I had left the wee lads with gramma had to make it back in time for bed time. Part of what I've really been enjoying about beginners' class is the focus on rolls, which when done slowly really helps to relax my upper back and shoulders. Being able to practice rolls in slow-mo seems like a great practice in shifting weight through the body while maintaining frame shape...more or less [I]round[/I], in this case. In bacwards rolls, I loved the feeling of sinking my lower hip down, connecting to the ground, and then focusing on the continuous line of pressure being "drawn" along my back and shoulders as I rolled along. I have the sense that when I started (and restarted) my training, it was a series of dashes instead of that one long continuous line, which feels great and leaves me feeling renewed and physically balanced.
We worked on tachi waza ai hanmi katate tori ushiro tenkan 1,2, and 3 since Joe-san, the instructor, has been really focusing on getting them familiarized by the newer students. These were probably my favorite techniques back in the day because i was through them that I felt I really began to understand how to start connecting my legs and hips to my shoulders and arms...not that I do that well, but on a conceptual level it seemed to really click for me, making my movements at least a little more cohesive and "whole-body" in nature. 
I must've sweated a gallon of my anti-grip solution. It was great exercise and great fun as always. Now it's time for a little quality time watching the fake news with the wife while the lads are sleeping like the angels they are.:)  
Pleasant dreams all!]]></body>
	<date>07-17-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4563">
	<title><![CDATA[Time has wings and I have much work to do]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[It's been a bit since I posted a blog and I missed last night's training due to an unpleasant medical issue with my oldest son so it seems fitting to try and recall last weeks session and refresh what I can from it. 
These past couple weeks have been hectic and stressful, so I've been processing my "Aikido" in less obvious ways. Big birthday parties; reconciling unemployment; Obaa-san unable to get up from picking raspberries; last-minute changes in plans all around; all seemed to have left their mark on my ability to stay centered mentally. I've picked up an annoying tick not unlike a mild Turret's. Some embarrassing stuff and some not-so, but...c'est la vie, non? Gotta keep moving forwardly.
Last week I asked to work on katatetori uchi kaiten, which is part of the gokyu requirements I want to refresh myself on. This is actually one of the techniques I remember really feeling comfortable with, but last week I had a lot of difficulty with the transition from "uchi" to "kaiten." The pivot after entering through the armpit space felt unconnected, but it was a lot of fun working through it. I began by training with one of the more senior students who wanted me to really focus on making the whole movement "alive" and more at speed than I started with. I still have a tendancy to do a lot of start-stop-start-stop herky-jerky stuff which makes it hard to figure out how the whole body plays into the single flow. In other words I think it tends to add to the fragmentation of the body movement instead of working on that whole-body integration we're looking for. When I was able to move more at speed, I got the sense that I was connecting the bottom half and top half of my body better, in terms of generating drive from ground up/out through the connection.
We got split up because two beginner students were paired together and were having difficulties with the form. I'm not sure how much I was helping my kohai at this point. The last few classes I've noticed that I have been making mistakes with simple form when trying to make corrections. My tendancy is to primarily let my partner work through things in their own way, but I've been making it a point to try and take a more active role as sempai. The plus side to noticing my mistakes is that they make me pay closer attention. 
I was really hoping to make it to keiko last night because over the weekend I played some paintball and got one of the biggest leg workouts I've had in years (squat-walking will do that). I was curious to see how that might play out. Next week I should be able to attend classes 2-3 times though, so hopefully good progress can be made.
Another week flies by...
Matt]]></body>
	<date>07-13-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4545">
	<title><![CDATA[Sweatin' to the oldies]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[The school season is about at a close so the wifey has been working even more hours than she already does. As a result I wasn't able to make it to Sensei's class last night, but my mom was able to babysit so I could attend the beginners' class. 
It was warm and a little muggy, so I was coated in my anti-grip solution of sodium, water, and essential oils. We worked on gyaku hanmi katate tori yonkyo nigite then applied an ushiro tenkan movement (version 1). Ushiro tenkan is one of the few waza I usually feel pretty comfortable doing, particularly that version. This was a form that harkens back to when I trained way back in the long long ago, so the muscle memory was able to kick in and help a little. As usual I started out feeling stiff, but I loosened up (relatively speaking) fairly quickly. 
I made sure to bring home a list of the kyu requirements so I can practice them on my own as much as possible. Even though I've already taken the gokyu exam I'm going to start my focus there and progress onward. There are a number of changes to the way sensei does things so this way I can make sure I'm up to date. I'm more or less familiar with the waza...the basic idea to them...but getting my body to move smoothly and comfortably is the hard part. Before keiko yesterday I sat on the little deck which faces the Pilchuck river and mentally mapped how I think they would go. With few exceptions I think I had a basic idea of what to do. Now I just have to ask sensei for the definitive answer...and then practice practice practice.]]></body>
	<date>06-22-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4540">
	<title><![CDATA[misogi of aikido]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[This week was another tough one for me. I have a lot of adjustments to make in general, and my kids and I were sick so I was feeling threadbare. When I get that way, some of the old depression symptoms surface, adding to things. Not very fun, but I've begun to view times like these as challenges to be overcome; lessons to be worked on. It's funny how the lense of this mindset can make even innocuous things seem negative. C'est la vie.
So I went to the dojo yesterday feeling discombobulated. I missed misogi because I had been sick and was up late the night before. Funny how my internal clock still woke me up at the designated time though. I went to Chouhai, the daily ceremony where we read the O Harai no Kotoba. I like the focus on balancing the outflow of breath and vocalization with relaxation. I had a hard time relaxing though. I lost my place a few times, which is something I haven't done since I started learning over a decade ago, and my voice was choppy and tight instead of smooth and relaxed. It still felt good and helped me to relax more than I was beforehand.
When we started warming up for keiko I felt really tight and began sweating right away. And when we began bokuto practice I had a hard time remembering where I was at in the short sequence. It was a rough start after a rough week, but slowly, layer by layer, I felt the stress and tension diminish. By the end of keiko I felt normal again, or much closer to normal. 
Sensei has been packing a lot of information into my once-a-week sessions. The bokuto kata are fun and challenging because there are so many small points to absorb in order to get it just so. I tend to raise my hands up too high and of course use too much shoulder, but gradually I'm noticing improvement in terms of reminding myself after I've done it. Soon I'm hoping to just not do it at all, or far less frequently. :) 
For taijutsu we worked on ikkyo after I was prompted for any requests. I've had the mindset that "whatever's clever" since it all feels so new to me, but now I'm going to start trying to focus more specifically. I want to memorize the kyu lists of waza and work toward my shodan with more vigor. This last week I practiced very little on my own and I think it showed a little, never mind the effects of sickness and stress. So it's time for renewing my efforts. 
Some points regarding ikkyo:
We worked on letting aite bring the katatetori to the body which was described as meeting the incoming hand and drawing it to the hip and letting aite apply pressure while feeling strong/stable before turning/twisting to begin the technique. The arm begins as pinned, but the twisting creates space for an "age" kind of movement, which creates space for the step in for the throw. At one point I was stuck and was essentially trying to move aite with my arm and shoulder, once I was reminded to twist the hips it became so easy I started cracking up. It was good misogi.
As always, too much to capture in words, but here's a start.]]></body>
	<date>06-17-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4534">
	<title><![CDATA[Kimochi]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Today I finally made it back on the mat. I wanted to do the full meal deal so I did misogi at 8am, followed by the Chyohai and then Chinkon sai. Misogi always kind of typifies the concept of gyo for me: you strip down, practically naked to the world around you, and then often it is rather cold. If you haven't done it a while it's moderately uncomfortable...although, on some days it doesn't matter how long since you've last done it, it's still uncomfortable. Still, I love it. It's invigorating and provides a great opportunity to practice focusing while in a situation where it can be hard to focus. When I used to do misogi regularly (which for me meant, formally, 1-3 times a week) I would get a warm feeling in my hara while up to my shoulders in glacier run-off. I didn't get that feeling today, but it was still nice and refreshing and once I found the focus to "sink" my vocalizations into my hara (or near enough), the calm feeling I got was very pleasant, even if fleeting. 
...Of course, the hot tea afterward was [I]also[/I] very refreshing and pleasant.
In bokuto practice we worked on some of the usual kata. Sensei came over at one point and gave me some specifics to work on since I've been working on this at home so much...of course I remember him saying that better than some of the points he wanted me to focus on, but the key one that stuck was in adjusting my feet into a bit wider stance at one point in the sequence we were working on, as well as to really squeeze the elbows together when beginning another part. 
I was training with one of the newest members and I still feel unfamiliar with the forms, particularly after a month of no training, so it was nice that we were practicing next to one of the most senior students at the dojo. His instructions became mine for obvious reasons. 
We went in for taijutsu and began with a form of suwariwaza kokyu nage before moving on to katate tori irimi ura. We then worked on a few different iterations and exercises for understanding aspects of the movement, focusing hard on planting uke's rear shikaku on our centerline and drawing/extending around us before letting them past and entering with the final cut/throw. 
Sensei said my ukemi was good and it was very gratifying after being away so long. I've been working on loosening up the joints and the different muscle groups in my solo work at home, but I assumed I would be very tight. It could be that the movement itself happens to be one that worked well for me or that a couple hours of different meditations primed my body, I can't say for sure because of the different factors that can play into body tension, but I had a great time and left feeling like I've made some progress.
...always more to say or think about, but that's good for now.
Until next time.
Gambatte.]]></body>
	<date>06-09-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4530">
	<title><![CDATA[Misogi of a different nature +]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Today I was planning on attending the beginners' class at the dojo, but was reminded of another obligation I had agreed to. This whole day was one of the worst I've had in a long time. I was in a foul mood from how my body has been feeling, my lack of sleep, other things I'd rather not mention, and the fact that I wasn't going to the dojo...again. And the wee-est lad has a scream that cuts me to the quick like few things can. I was feeling like a miserable fuck, not to put too fine a point on it.
I really didn't want to do anything but crawl into a dark hole. However, by the time we were leaving our little get-together, I felt better...but still needed to blow off some of that pent-up steam, and so my son and I decided to splash in puddles the whole way back to the van. We were soaked but smiling brightly. The puddles were my misogi; his laughter like suzu bells; another day another lesson.
Sweet dreams, folks.
...after suburi.

I'm very frustrated with my inability to train regularly. If it's not one thing it's another and the most common theme is my inability to get organized. I've been good at practicing at home, for whatever that's been worth, but it's hard not to feel like a joke after so much inconsistency.
Time to stay positive and keep plugging away: what I can; when I can.]]></body>
	<date>06-05-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4525">
	<title><![CDATA[New Moon, Cold Winds, and Self-Assessments]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[This last couple weeks or so of my newly-regular, but still half-assed, shugyo, had some interesting stuff for me. I've been really focusing on my hips and legs. A bit too much perhaps because I have noticed some tightening in the hips and knees. After about a half an hour they loosen up though and things start to feel good again. My feet are constantly tired which probaly means I'm using too much muscle. However, a couple nights ago I have to say they felt great. It was a slight return to that stable feeling I remember having back when I was training very seriously. The biggest part of my focus in on feeling both hips at the same time and tracking how they rotate with regard to each other. I remember being told to think of "smearing" a technique into the other person by sensei and by one of my sempai and this sliding/smearing quality came to mind last night while I was rotating my legs/hips in various movements. At one point I had some personal realizations last night that kind of hit me in the face. We all need time to ourselves, but it dawned on me that I've been getting rather selfish in my own subtle ways. It's the product of having kids who take up all my time...and I've been very accustomed to operating in my own time. Having the thought has cleared up a bit of energy, and I woke up this morning after being up "all" night feeling pretty good. I should add I started my practice last night feeling under the weather and finished feeling top notch. 
A few days ago the wind was cold and I only practiced for 30 minutes before coming in. I had mixed feelings because I want to push through stuff like that a bit more. Something to bear in mind I guess. 
The other major thought I've been wanting to share has to do with my old gi, which gave up the ghost at the Aiki Taisai. This was my very first gi so it had a bit of sentimental attachment. Here's one of the few things that make me consider there might be something other than the plain old physical world we commonly think of: at one point I had a dream wherein the embroidery of the mitsudomoi on my left shoulder turned from black to a faded reddish brown. In the dream I remember being disappointed because it meant I had let my training fade. Some time later, pulling the gi out of the wash, it had been over-bleached and sure enough the embroidery was a faded brown. By this time I had almost stopped training. Right or wrong, this event shaped the way I looked at my training. It was gone, even though I considered myself an "aikidoka" and still thought about Aikido quite a bit. I've always loved having my bokuto and jo sitting in the corner in case I felt like taking a few cuts, so maybe not "gone," but all but so. Friday night after the Taisai, I came home and looked outside at the sky and thought about the past; thought about my gi, which I had spent a few years sweating hard and diligently in, fading because I allowed myself to get distracted by all kinds of things. Then I thought about how that gi is done and now I have another one and that while I may not ever be a "great" (relatively speaking) martial artist like I had once thought, I'm still here on the planet and I'm doing better than, well, proably ever before. It was a nice bit of closure for some of the guilty feelings I've had about my own training.
...Now I just have to keep practicing.:eek: :D]]></body>
	<date>05-29-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4521">
	<title><![CDATA[Hoshi to Kumo]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[The last month or so I've been solo training (suburi and other exercises) a minimum of 30 minutes every night, usually going closer to an hour. The back of our house faces west so every night around dusk I walk out the door and if the weather is good, I am greeted by subdued warm hues and the first few stars. Venus in particular shines brightly and it has been a kind of greeter, welcoming me back to another bit of practice. The newly-regular familiarity of it has added to a sense of my shugyo, meager though it is. The weather has been more cloudy as of late and the other night the sky was overcast except for a patch where Venus was nestled brightly. It shown like a pinpoint of fire, an echo of sunlight, burning through the deep, darkening, blue. I've been really enjoying this time of my day. It's become a time where I work on what little study I've acquired, have random thoughts and insights, and, in short: enjoy the sensations of the world in and around me. 
The last few days, more and more I've been working on my hips. I'm noticing some effects from a lifetime of soccer and skiing. As a right-footed soccer player, I have some common postural issues in my lower back tied to the fact that my left foot/hip is more used to being planted while my right is more used to muscling through its path around that left hip and leg. My right leg, hip, and lower back feel particularly "big and tight" and I'm working on making them feel "dense and relaxed;" trying to focus on centripital forces within the body...to whatever effect I'm able, at any rate. 
I also think my tight lower back comes from my soccer playing as I notice the tightest area tends to contract when I get into running mode. My butt tends to stick out a little as my lower belly drops and extends forward. This reminds me of the fact that sensei has consistently told me I'm arching my back too much...even when I think I'm in a neutral position. I've been making it a point to get in touch with my vertebra by literally touching them and massaging along the length of my spine as much as I can. I've found several incredibly tender locations along the length, but the bottom of the spine is all kinds of messed up...I'm guessing along the bottom 5 or so it's particularly strained.
Of course, as soon as I start to relax (or try to) one area, I notice strain building in other areas, particularly behind my heart/solar plexus area and neck/shoulder girdle. So my solo practice, which presently makes up about 80% of my training time, is focused on moving with less strain in these areas and trying to make a cohesive sense of how they interrelate. After 30 minutes or so I start to feel light and "together," but I've noticed my legs have been getting a little tight from focusing on rotating them about the major femoral axis. Too much muscle: I notice I have to keep reminding myself to use less muscle and more of what I'm calling purity of movement. I'm trying to maintain very strong "down" intent so my weight rests on my bones (again, as I'm currently thinking of it), but I find this puts large loads into my feet and ankles, and, if I'm not careful, my knees. I get some great stretches through my legs by working on that spiral actions, but again, mostly when I think of "pure" movement, which I have to relax in order to access.
I notice I forget most of the insights I've been having while practicing, but this is what's stuck from recent efforts. I'm very curious how tonight's keiko will be since I have been working on my own so much. I'm anticipating that I will be very tight, but I am hopeful. 
Vee vill see...
Ogenkide and gambatte y'all.]]></body>
	<date>05-24-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4507">
	<title><![CDATA[Alone with Nature in the Night]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Winds upon my face
The stars silently observe
Rain coats my form
Apple blossoms swerve

Venus echos the sun
The smell of grass infused
A bird sings to the night
As bokuto bounces imbued

Right side enters
Left side leaves
The chamber is the cut
The mind wanders free

And reigned in again
The ebb and flow of prana
Bellows echoe in the soul
The breath of Kamisama

The last couple weeks have found me practicing about an hour almost every night. Sometimes only 20 minutes, but sometimes an hour and a half. I've averaged about an hour though. 
Right now I'm mostly trying to get in touch with my body; to feel how different movements feel in different parts of my body; how to move "instantly" from one direction to another; mostly focusing on mugamae as a starting position and [I]trying [/I]to remember to put ki into my back to facilitate forward extension. 
Based on the last keiko, I'm going to start trying to stretch my shoulders more to loosen up their grip on my structure. This afternoon I'm going to do 100 cuts focusing on hips and shoulders relaxing...will be cutting fairly slowly.
Anyhoo, time to soak up some sun. It's a glorious day.
Oh and yesterday, after reading [U]The Hunger Games[/U] a rabbit wandered into my yard. It didn't stand a chance: I promptly caught it (it's clearly a domesticated rabbit), and am waiting to see if anyone claims it. I'm calling him "Bugs."  
Good times all around.]]></body>
	<date>05-06-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4499">
	<title><![CDATA[Aiki Taisai]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I was planning on attending the taisai friday and saturday, but was unable to make it saturday. Possible proof of karma, perhaps. I was looking forward to the misogi and chinkon no gyo, particularly after friday night's awesome training. It was easily one of the funnest time's I've had on the mat.
I felt like I learned a lot, but also, I felt [I]relatively[/I] loose and much more purposeful when I moved, although nowhere near as precise as I'd like to be. 
During the open-mat period I was able to train with a sempai with whome I first went to Japan over ten years ago. We had a lot of fun warming up; a mild form of jiyuwaza. 
As usual, after bowing in, we began with bokuto, which is becoming more and more fun to me. We went outside and commenced. I enjoy the seriousness which comes from swinging a stick around; it sharpens the senses; speeding up the neural pathways; sharpening the body and mind in its own way. Mugamae; seigan; negaeshi uchi; etc. Each one a part of the somewhat infinite whole; each one a proverbial grain of sand through which to view the universe of action. 
Thoughts on the training:
cut from a very specific place to a very specific place
have a sense of moving from and receiving toward the feet; driving through the hips

"Kosame"
After several kata and some focus on their parts, we went inside for taijutsu. Just as we started walking through the tori back toward the haiden, the slightest bit of rain began to fall. This made me think of timing and brought to mind the inner workings of a clock: each part doing what it does and via the virtue of how it's connected, affecting how each other part does what it does. Some parts are leading the movement more than others, but each part is present/active and crucial to the whole interaction.
I spent most of my time training with visiting guests. It was an interesting experience because as a student of my teacher I felt a sense of responsibility for expressing our practice, but on the other hand I feel so woefully inadequate in my understanding. At one point I even asked a training partner if she would mind starting as nage. Her reply was, "I'm not from here..." In my defense I thought she had trained there before. She's the wife of an uchi deshi so I assumed she knew better than me (and in all likelihood she does, generally speaking), but that was the moment I started to come out of my shell a little and really try to think about what to suggest where suggestions seemed reasonable. I think a common "problem" I have is the habit of stepping back in interactions. I grew up with people where that was often the easiest route to take: sit back; observe; be active only when you're sure you know how you ought to. It's served me ver well in a number of settings and social interactions, but it's also caused me to be shy through habit; to have an automatic uncertainty; an assumed ignorance, even at times where I have pertinent understanding. Given the choice between assumed ignorance and assumed understanding, I'd rather presume ignorance and be pleasantly surprised, but the automatic nature of my behavior could be improved I think. It reminds me of an axiom sensei Barrish taught me a long time ago (and which I recall others repeating recently): when the enemy comes to the gate, greet him. I imagine this to be the difference between continual-and-contiguous progression and collapse; of the nature of irimi both as a simple action and as the embodied behavior which permeates everything we do. 
...my current thinking, at any rate.

I'm disappointed I missed satureday's events. As I was training friday night I tried to think of what I understand of O Sensei, and apply whatever sense of that I could muster, into my training. Instead of being at the taisai saturday, I recited the Misogi no O Harai norito and tried to focus on some of the meaning behind misogi no gyo and chinkon no gyo; I enjoyed the sunshine saturday morning and took some cuts with bokuto. There was a feeling of gyo involved, despite it being very slight in expression. I was tired...exhausted is more like it, since I was up all night with my 8mo. old, who is learning the gyo of not being fed at night while mama is enjoying a "mom's weekend" with some friends. Despite this I woke up at 6:45 feeling surprisingly genki. At any rate, I really enjoyed the relaxed, fuzzy-but-focused feeling and while it was by no means a comprehensive expression of Aikido no gyo, it was my own; and it was both a continuation of my re-sprouted training and an expression of thanks for one person who did his best in life to be his best. I have no doubt that was his basic intent and I am grateful to people like that for providing an example of some form of greatness; of "personal gyo" for others to learn something from.
Douzo yoroshiku onegaishimasu!
Ogenkide,
Matthew J. Gano]]></body>
	<date>04-30-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4490">
	<title><![CDATA[Itching to roll (Edited)]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I suppose it's a good sign that a week between training sessions feels like a long time. I've been practicing suburi each night; nothing exceptional for how much time put in (approx. 15-20 min.), but I've also been trying to open up my body (approx. 15-20 min.), particularly my hips, but also my shoulders. In general, I'm trying to feel connection between knees hips and elbows as I move around. It's not what I would call a serious training regimen.
I get the feeling my years of predominantly right-footed soccer playing have made for some imbalances in my hips and how they connect to my legs and lower back. I feel a distinct difference between right and left and after intense yard work (as in the last few days), I feel so tight and inflexible in the hip area. 
I'm very "front-heavy" in my movement, so I'm trying to think of putting ki into my back as I move around. 
I'm enjoying the fact that my bokuto feels more familiar to my hands again. Last night I was practicing some old kata which I remember helping me with my footwork, and I think I will add that to my "dailys."
Looking forward to wearing hakama again, although I think it will feel odd at first. I put it on right after it arrived in the mail and folding the straps back up took a minute to remember. I've been wearing only keikogi and have become quite used to it. At any rate...
Ok, off to the back yard to practice.
[B](Edit)[/B]
Last night I went out to practice in the yard when lo and behold the rains a came a fallin'. I was pretty wet after an hour of various suburi and unsoku practices, but god bless it it was fun! I have always loved the rain. When I was a kid that was almost the surest time to find me outside playing; trompin' in the muddy woods, the smells of pine and earth mingled with that of the rain. It added to the visceral experience of the play and I was feeling rather similarly last night...although I may have to put up a trellis so I don't feel so self-conscious every time my neighbors come home. :D 
Last night went a little like this:
"Feet!" - as I would try to "get into" different parts of my body, I kept coming back to how much better it would feel when I also focused on where my weight was falling through my feet. I spent most of my time focusing on the "stirrups" of my feet and lower leg, rotating about the major axis. I had a few moments where my hips felt like a gyroscope and I felt fast and stable, but it's funny how quickly the mind wanders and you find yourself thinking about cimbing trees as a kid, or threads on akiweb, or...hey, that's the neighbor! Duck!...ok where was I? Oh yeah, swinging my sword around...wait, no! Feet! Yeah...ok...again...mugamae...negaeshiuchi...is that a bird singing? I remember thinking a squirrel was a bird once, maybe it's that...wait, where's my weight at? Focus!
Ok...again...
:D :D :D]]></body>
	<date>04-24-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4486">
	<title><![CDATA[Ah, what to write...]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Probably nothing. However, in the spirit of starting with effort and hoping something of quality comes about from it I'll begin by saying I was so tired today I didn't want to train...but even more than that, I didn't want to not-train, so I went. And of course, I enjoyed myself. I was a little late due largely to traffic, but after bowing in I got to work with bokuto. At one point sensei said I was doing a good job and that he could tell I had been practicing on my own. I had also just had some good advice from my sempai right before the compliment, but I was so eager to say, "yes! I've actually been practicing!" that I didn't mention it was partly in thanks to the advice I had just received. I didn't even think about it until I was driving home...sheesh. When I'm on the mat I'm trying to track so many things that sometimes I barely feel present. All part of the process.
I suppose I'll just add that I continue to feel very good physically (and thus mentaly). People are not meant for inaction; usually it kills us quicker than burning the candle at both ends...or so it seems to me. 
...And that thought brings so many reflections of the past, present, and future that I'm going to stop before my head explodes. 
Life is beautiful; I cannot express enough how grateful I am to all the myriad factors which allow me to enjoy these moments...and that applies to the shit as well as the shinola...
Anyhow, in the great and excellent words of Rufus: be excellent to each other.

(Addition)
A couple slightly more lucid thoughts about keiko last night...
One of the things I've always really enjoyed about training where I do is the fact that periodically people will ask me to try and get out of a pin or to resist a point in the technique...in short, there is room for a little play within the confines of the form we're looking at.
I also like that practicing with bokuto forces a degree of seriousness, focusing my attention a little more. That said, I have always had a hard time with suriage; I will have to practice some suburi with this in mind.]]></body>
	<date>04-20-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4485">
	<title><![CDATA[Warmth (edit)]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Keiko was fun last night. In the beginners' class we worked on tai no henko and gyaku hanmi katatetori. We had 3 or 4 new or newish students so it was focused on very basic things like maintaining connection; how to grab/suppress; and basic form. I tend to really like focusing on the more basic stuff. In each movement of course ideally it all has to be there, but because I'm so new again I really need those reminders. I was happy to notice a couple times while I was about to correct my partner on some points (again, very new students), my sempai and sensei made the same correction I was about to offer. I always feel unsure about making suggestions because I know it can be annoying to folks, so that felt kinda good. 
Again, one of the highlights for me was getting to see my sempai. Each one has a somewhat unique perspective and way of presenting the material. I always enjoy each individual "flavor" of our overall "flavor" of aikido. 
One thought I had while practicing rolls was how nice it feels to do kohotento, particularly around my lower back and hips. This used to be a daily practice for me and I think I'm going to start making that happen again. 
New daily routine will be approx. 30-45+ min of: 
[I]Misogi norito[/I]
[I]Ibuki undo
Furitama
Ame no torifune undo
[/I][I]Kohotento[/I] (graduating eventually to standing)
[I]Shomen uchi[/I] (focusing on femoral rotation and back-bow application)
[I]Bokuto kata
Free-flowing movement[/I] (bokuto or taijutsu)

I'm really enjoying the warmth that fills my body after practice; it makes the drive home rather pleasant. Chronic body aches are lessened; head feels clearer and more relaxed. I have always loved the very healthy feeling I get from Aikido.]]></body>
	<date>04-18-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4477">
	<title><![CDATA[A fuller reflection]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Ok so I got my lap-top hooked up to my old pc monitor. This should work for the time being.
As I said, training last night was a blast. I'm trying to organize my thoughts so I can track my training in these blog posts, but I feel like there was so much I was working on last night that it's impossible to list them all. Of course, as a de facto beginner I'm still learning the outer form of the movements. I remember thinking at one point during the beginners' class at how I am very much still a beginner. I posted a blog entry a while back where I estimated myself as being "equal" to a one-year student, but minus the conditioning. Presently I'm thinking in different terms: I'm a beginner who isn't afraid of rolls and simple breakfalls. Everything feels new except the feeling of being thrown, which feels like it always did ("hello ground"). 
Some specifics I'm focusing on right now:
[B]mugamae[/B] - relax; resting sword/hands more or less on hips; squeezing into the centerline; having an expansive and strong base to free up arms and torso.
[B]seigan[/B] - relax; using the suppression to fuel subsequent movements (bouncing off the bokuto in various ways as well as working on the basic suppression itself).
[B]cutting[/B] - relax; extending out the pommel to facilitate extension out the tip of the blade; connecting the cut to the spine and hips; extending through palm chakra w/ feeling similar to "tore no kuchi" (i.e. strong palm contact).
[B]aihanmikamae[/B] (per last night's sumiotoshi(?) w/ Doug-san) - relax; "initiating" ki draws with lead-side rear shikaku while entering with rearward front shikaku (verify at next practice that I'm remembering correctly); open both sides such that when cutting with free tegatana, it connects [I]through[/I] contacted tegatana (connect both sides to the waza).
[B]cross-lateral throw[/B] (per last night's ikkyo with Russ-san) - relax; rotation of hips/torso creates friction; release only what you need of that.
[B]seigan kiri otoshi[/B](?...find out name at next practice for basic blade-on-blade raising and cutting) - relax; get out of your arms; age and sage connected to spine; enter with center.

Did I mention, "relax?"
Relax.

Begin compiling list of nomenclature and kata sequences.
Relax.]]></body>
	<date>04-06-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4476">
	<title><![CDATA[&quot;F-ing awesome&quot;]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Like the title suggests, last night was pretty f-ing cool! My in-laws came over to watch the lads so I was able to make the beginners' class before going to the open class. It was good to get the extra mat-time! 
My screen doesnt light up so I'm sitting here pointing a flashlight so I can just barely make things out so this will probably be short.
In the first class we worked on a (I think) seigan kirikaeshi initiating movement followed by kokyunage. This was taijutsu and I had a real hard time not trying to muscle uke in that initial "kirikaeshi" movement. The transitions afterward felt relatively good, though. 
In the open class I felt like I had a small breakthrough with how to move with my feet to improve overall body integrity. I'm so tight in my shoulders and upper body it's hard just to maintain a fluid connection, so one of my sempai told me to focus more on "being in my feet and legs" to help get me out of my shoulders and upper body. Instantly the movements felt a little more free and my upper body less tight/tired. 
All in all it was great fun: I got to train with some seriously great people and, while I was definately exhausted, I felt wonderful. Truly a great time; looking forward to more! It's nice to feel so motivated.
Matt]]></body>
	<date>04-06-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4475">
	<title><![CDATA[Quick thought]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Taking a lesson from Achilles and Socrates: no matter how profound our ability, we always have a weakness that renders it pointless; on the whole we are always more ignorant than not. It's easy to look at all the great things we know; to see how they fill up the proverbial landscape like a diligently crafted Japanese garden, only to miss the vast desert which lies just over the prettiest hedge.]]></body>
	<date>04-04-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4467">
	<title><![CDATA[...and then...]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[...More, "relax!"

Keiko today was a continuation of the "relax" theme that has permeated my small restart back into formal (more so, at least) Aikido training. Class was very small today: just sensei, a very senior student, the uchideshi, and myself. It was nice for me because I got a lot of very focused instruction. I felt bad for the other two students though, because training with me is so much about re-establishing very basic fundementals. It's like if I were to work on king-pawn endgame patterns in chess; I can see how it could be frustrating if you're hoping to work on the more complex opening and middle-game stuff. Add to that the usual sleep deprivation problems I've got and I can see how I might be a less-than-ideal training partner. I felt like my attention was not very focused around me because I was either feeling groggy or constantly trying to sense around [I]in[/I] my body for cues. There were a couple times I could sense my partners looking at me like, "hey! I'm over here!" I used to feel very in tune with what was happing around me, but stepping back on the mat has shown me how much this has weakened over time.
At any rate, we had fun. The sun was shining so we went outside to play. I learned a new bokuto series and felt a little better with one of the other exercises we tend to practice. The transition from receiving to issuing after squeezing the elbows together felt clearer...this being the exercise we do from seigan where we wrap/supress our partner's blade, trading back and forth. 
Today's main lessons were in sitting back in my stance with my legs pressing outward slightly; stance slightly wider than I tend to "naturally" drop into; sitting upright and back a little on that base in a relaxed-but-ready posture; and feeling my hand drive forward (e.g. gyaku hanmi katatetori) as coming off the hips instead of the upper body. I'm quite sure there were many other lessons I'm forgetting at the moment, but that's what stood out for me to focus on.]]></body>
	<date>03-24-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4464">
	<title><![CDATA[More, &quot;Relax&quot;]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[This weekend I was fortunate enough to train at Dan's seminar although again in a limited capacity since I got sick and couldn't make it to sunday's morning session. I was really looking forward to getting more of a "full" experience, but despite that, I still feel I got my money's worth and then some. I was able to get some new bits to think about for taking out the slack and using the arms legs and spine of the body as inter-connected bows. 
I was hoping to get to know some folks a bit better, but maybe next time.
I'm very greatful to Dan and sensei Ledyard for providing the opportunity to sample this approach to learning aiki. Both times have been fun and informative!
I'm looking forward to drilling in what I was able to pick up in this go-'round!]]></body>
	<date>03-19-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4455">
	<title><![CDATA[&quot;Relax all of this&quot;]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Thursday night was tough. I felt worse than usual in my ability to remember to relax, stand up-right, not lean into every technique, etc. Then again, every class is tough in the sense that I was never advanced to begin with and I'm a decade out (during which I worked construction) from when I last trained seriously. Also although I'm not exactly old, I'm certainly not 20 any more. I think part of why it was so tough was that no matter how much I tried to relax this or that part of my body, I kept mindlessly re-engaging those muscles and the more tired I got, the more I forgot to pay attention to whatever it was I was trying to do, so most techniques had a lot of herky-jerky start and stop to them. My auto-pilot sucks. It also didn't help that I'm chronically sleep deprived and was fried from too much coffee. 
Now that I've described the empty half of the glass...
All in all, despite the mat burns on the tops of my feet, the sore muscles all around my hips and back, and the constant force-feeding of a mild form of humble pie, it was great fun. As usual, we began with the standard Kannagara bokuto practices before moving on to taijutsu. I got to train with the sempai I mentioned last, as well as another who I haven't seen in an even longer time. Yes, the training felt difficult, but it was helpful to focus my efforts in general...a kick in the butt to redouble those efforts. 
Well I've been sitting on this post for a couple days and still haven't added anything so it is what it is. I had a lot of fun despite feeling inept and wishing I've been training more consistently than I have.]]></body>
	<date>03-10-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4446">
	<title><![CDATA[Thank you sir may I have another?]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Keiko on saturday was f-ing rad. I was so tired from being up all night with baby and 2-y/o but once we started warming up before bowing in, I perked up. I got to see one of my sempai who doesn't usually come to the thursday classes I've been attending lately. I'm a little bummed I didn't get a chance to train with him, but it was good to say hi in person and see him in action. 
I first became interested in Aikido in high school after reading up on some martial arts. A friend of mine knew this and when he was asked if he wanted to check out an Aikido dojo, he asked me if I wanted to come along. This was some time in the mid 90's. I remember the visit vaguely, but I clearly remember watching this sempai training and being told he was about to take his gokyu test. When I began training in 1998 he was training as hard as ever. Now, in 2012, he's still training hard and is one of the senior deshi who often travels with sensei. After class we talked a little about some of the folks we remember training with. Right now I'm a little fixated on how much time has gone by, and while part of me certainly feels a degree of loss for how much I've let slip by, it's even more interesting just to sit back and observe the people who have kept at it with impressive dedication. It's also interesting to see the students who started after me and see a bit of how they've progressed.
As for keiko itself, in taijutsu we worked primarily on ai hanmi katate tori irimi ura kokyu nage, starting with a quick refresher on the katate tori approach (which is a little different than a decade ago). We did a couple different drills means to highlight things like connecting our center line to uke's rear shikaku. Of course I still feel very sloppy and I have the "great" habit of leaning forward while flexing every muscle in my body...ok not exactly, but with the reminders throughout practice it seemed that way sometimes. Good stuff!]]></body>
	<date>03-04-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4425">
	<title><![CDATA[Day 2]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Last night keiko was a blast. I went in feeling a bit tense and tired. Sleep isn't my strong point these days. My 6mo. old still feeds at night and my 2 y/o woke up the previous night twice with a bloody nose. Then I had some work a friend of ours gave me working on landscaping with concrete blocks, which reminded my back of its nagging aches. The problem with irregular work is the body thinks it's in shape until [I]after[/I] it's worked a few hours. I'm not complaining! I loved digging around outside in the good NW weather (a mild, gray drizzle). Still, I had the moment's thought of, "laying down would feel nicer than Aikido." I was wrong though. 
I showed up and began warming up. My left-side lower back was barking at me so I focused on loosening that up. Rolling practice is one of the best ways I know to do this so I did that a little. It reminded me of when I trained before: I would always start with a ton of them, going as fast back and forth as I could. It gets the blood pumping and gets me thinking "round." One of my sempai who I had been training with a decade ago asked me to come practice some taijutsu with him and he helped loosen things up quite a bit more. Osae waza does wonders to tight muscles!
Sensei started class so we "warmed up" then started with bokuto as always. We began some [URL="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBZl-sicrYM&feature=related"]negaeshiuchi[/URL] then went to [URL="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENGRhKeOLNQ"]kiridome[/URL]. One of the interesting things to me is how tired my feet get from kenjutsu, particularly when I haven't been practicing much. It was nice to feel more familiar with the form. I really like the "new" emphasis on how to receive the cut, resting it on center. I remember the idea being present way back in the long long ago, but it seems much more clear to me now. Even the "simple" practice of working on seigan and basic posture felt just awesome, despite my feeling almost perpetually awkward on the mat.
After about an hour of this we switched to taijutsu. I think the waza was soto kaiten (or something similar), first from suwari, "blade on blade," then standing, then adding nikkyo to the end of the series of movements. After that was from tsuki attack. We finished the evening with shihonage which was by far my most comfortable waza, both as nage and uke. Of course the whole evening was spent relearning maai and how to maintain some concept of shinzentai throughout the movements. I was reminded of why I liked the ukemi side so much back in the day. It's a constant lesson in how to engage tori while addressing the very compromising positions he or she is putting you into. Also, in addition to the basic lesson of "how to have strong base in trying situations," it's moving massage and the whole drive home I was enjoying the more open and full feeling in my legs and hips. My lower back pain had all but disappeared and the parts of my structure around my hips that I've been trying to open and engage, felt present...er...more so, at least. I've mentioned it before, but I really enjoy the "squaring up" feeling that training tends to give me. I would normally describe my body as feeling twisted and disjointed, with small "sections of power" that are always negotiating with chronic injuries. Keiko makes my body feel more cohesive and supple, leaving my attitude with a very similar feeling.]]></body>
	<date>02-10-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4413">
	<title><![CDATA[Revisiting the revisiting]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I have a lot of different thoughts rattling around my head about my training, and most of them are half-formed. I think my posts here have tended to reflect this. Driving home last night from keiko I kept coming back to a handful of thoughts. The most prominent of these wasn't so much a cogent idea as much as a new way of looking at the proportion of thought-to-action I have been manifesting. I have been very "mind-heavy" in my "gyo" and it has led to a very "body-heavy" way of moving. "Intellectually," I've recognized how stiff I am; how tight my shoulders are; how my chronic body aches and injuries are a sign of improper integration of...something. I understood it on a more visceral level last night.
Part of the reason I've been so mentally caught up in this idea of Aikido is that it represents a means which appears profoundly useful to affecting great effects in how one can live one's life. It provides physical stimulation for a healthy body, mental stimulation for a healthy mind, and when approached with a serious attitude, it refines these things to a razor-like edge. It is a way of organizing different functions of the mind and body (i.e. mind-body) and developing them into higher orders of function. The pressures we put ourselves through are a kind of gravity drawing things together, cooking them into new transformations, drawing them together, transforming them again and again until we have something diamond-like...or ore-like dependiing on how much intensity we apply to the process. Plus, and you'd never guess, but I really enjoy the abstract way ideas are often expressed in Aikido. It's a veritable playground for the mind and body.
So, coming back around to the earlier point, there has been a huge disparity between my thoughts on gyo and my actions. There is an idea in Shinto which speaks of creating space for things so they can grow. The movements and vocalizations of ritual aren't the point; the space they create for integrating attention and action that echos outward into our daily lives is the point. This is why my last blog entry mentioned a "virtual vow of silence." Pardon the crass manner, but I can see how what my friends and I call "butt-necking" has filled up large amounts of what could be more useful space. The outflow has blocked the inflow a bit and the "wa" of the "aiki" has been undone in certain regards. I've long maintained my purpose here isn't keiko; it's to practice communication and to learn "about" Aikido, but it still seems to give a false sense of "doing." As the word "about" implies, the things I've been learning, which do pertain to the thing itself, are not the thing itself. I've been learning something about the thing itself from the outside going inward for about a decade. It's about time to more seriously resume from the inside going outward. 
Keiko last night was a constant reminder to quit receiving and attacking from the shoulders. Techniques which I can remember having an ability to more or less make work, didn't work. I had one moment where a sequence of movements more or less (more less than not) "worked," but the rest were pretty bad. The kata for kenjutsu is very new to me. It all felt new. It was great. It was an interesting mix because there were people there who had been training for years when I first began...in 1998. It was a true pleasure to train with them again; in a way that felt more authentic than anything I have put into this thing in this past decade of "once in a while" training. I don't know what the future will bring, but I'm not worried about it. I'm enjoying "now" too much. My motivation is clearer than it has been in a long time.
Take care,
Matt]]></body>
	<date>02-03-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4412">
	<title><![CDATA[Revisiting Day One]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Funny how stepping on the mat makes me want to...is it pontification I do here?...less. Today felt like day one. Good stuff. Taking a vow of virtual silence for a while. Cheers folks!]]></body>
	<date>02-03-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4407">
	<title><![CDATA[The joys of frustration]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Lately I've been reminded of the time I was paired up with a nidan for randori and not only couldn't perform a single technique, but was stabbed repeated until he made sure I knew what we were practicing and said, "...randori." "Yeah...I know," was my thought, "I just suck that bad."]]></body>
	<date>01-29-2012</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4374">
	<title><![CDATA[Su(u)]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Blade on fire in river of ice
the sun rains light on life.
Mirror and jewel 
a pool, floating in the mist
kissed 
by winds divine.

The dance and swirl
amongst the scattered pearls;
Hearts beat their rythmic pulse.
A lotus unfolds a symphony
instantly. 
And the eye but grasps what it beholds.]]></body>
	<date>12-04-2011</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4340">
	<title><![CDATA[Generalization]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[People make too many generalizations. :p
Of course it's a natural part of learning and operating, but it is something that seems to make a lot of problems. It's based in presumption, which leaves a person somewhat more dependant on outside factors. In conversations it can distract from valid points; in fights is can get you hurt. My attraction to martial arts has to do with the general idea of awareness: both internal and external awareness; each one informing the other. One of the key aspects to this that comes to my mind is the ability to perceive subtle differences. When I was training regularly there wasn't an uchi deshi program at my dojo, but I often served similar functions (small parts of the role). I consider this kind of training to be very useful, even though there isn't often any kind of obvious "martial" technique/method involved, because it forces you to pay very close attention to what is going on around you; to read the needs and wants of the people around you.
Recently I read the chronicles of D'artagnan (didn't end anything like I guessed it would), and one of the characters, Athos, has a lacky named Grimaud whom he has trained to understand what to do in any situation without many, if any, verbal cues. It describes how Athos would make a slight gesture most people wouldn't even notice, but Grimaud would be able to figure out everything that would be needed. 
Interestingly enough, the training was described as being very severe by today's standards. In short, Grimaud was beaten every time he misunderstood. This was a very martial discipline given by a soldier to his servant who also served as a de facto soldier. Almost no one in our modern society has any need for such severity, but the seriousness it exemplifies still holds validity, particularly in training which emulates martial practices like Budo. The benefit of such seriousness is to draw the attention and focus it to a sharp edge.The benefit of that focusing of attention is, hopefully, to cause an ability to recognize subtle cues which can have potentially dramatic results. If all you see is the smiling face of an elderly guy walking across the street, you might miss the palmed knife. If you assume all Japanese people are friendly to gaijin, you might not notice the slightly disgruntled one who's been trailing your tour group through the geisha district.]]></body>
	<date>10-27-2011</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4325">
	<title><![CDATA[Iku Tama]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[A flicker of fire in the soul is formed
the wilds of passion explode
until superfluid mind is poured
and chaos dances controlled.

Wrapped in rapt yet open-ended lines
360 degrees of infinity
again I consult the pouring of my mind
and find a shine confined in me.

Fire and water with air conspire
essential pressures elate
the tumbling forces and clouds retire
and peel aside the shade of fate

Eyes are blind for so is mind
except when given the chance
to free themselves of hells that bind
and opened up to dance.]]></body>
	<date>10-12-2011</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4307">
	<title><![CDATA[Mind-body]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[http://blog.aikidojournal.com/2011/09/15/a-consideration-of-aikido-practice-within-the-context-of-internal-training-by-ellis-amdur/

"intellectual training, physical training, virtue training, ki training-these produce practical wisdom." He added that it wouldn't do for even one of these to be missing, that lacking any one of them would render everything for naught and inevitably slow one's overall development. One must, he told me, always maintain a harmonious balance among these.

This was borrowed from the link above. I read it and felt compelled to copy it on my blog because it seems to capture that certain je ne sais quoi of my raison d'etre. 
When confronted by the simple truth of these words I can't help but know that my practice is definately lacking.]]></body>
	<date>09-19-2011</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4304">
	<title><![CDATA[Macro in steam of consciousness]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[I'm sitting here bouncing on my exercise ball with my 2-month old son, watching the Daily Show and contemplating the fate of the world. You know, small stuff. After reading about nuclear disasters, watching a show on megaquakes, and watching politicians whip people into mindless sound-bite derived frenzies, it's hard not to worry about the fate of my two sons. Then I think about all the huge dreams I had as a younger man and compare them with the "lesser" realities I made happen (despite having had a lot of support), it becomes easy to get discouraged; to become a fatalist; to see 2012 as some doomsday period. 
Life is complicated; life is simple. It's unfathomable in any real depth, and I sincerely believe we're just a bunch of big-brained (neurotic) apes slapping labels on things so our minds can feel like we have it figured out...at least, figured out [I]enough[/I]...long enough for us to build a new tool with which to break more nuts to stuff in our gullets.
And this is where my idealism tends to kick in. I look at the roughly 11,000 years of history we've scraped together out of the sands of deserts (a blink's worth on the whole); I look at the astounding level of tool development we've acquired in the last 100 years, let alone the curve seen in the last 30; I see how my 2-year old learns things I thought he wasn't paying attention to and my 2-month old smiles at me almost every time I say hi (it's not gas!); I see people building themselves up and the (corny as it may sound) majesty of the learning process by which people become more than they once were. All these things combine together to form an answer to a question I have no words for. 
And so, while my Aikido training is paltry, my income a joke, and my career yet to be "quite" figured out (among other things more or less important), I'm happy and greatful for the chance to enjoy the ride; to feel the exertion of my self to the point of tiredness and know that I'm alive.
Gambatte.
...and now to share more than I like with a bunch of people I don't know... 
Take care, you all.
Matthew J Gano]]></body>
	<date>09-17-2011</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4188">
	<title><![CDATA[Tanoshiikata]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[The handfull of times I've made it to keiko this year have had a nice feeling of "getting back on the horse," despite still being fairly few and far between. The kenjutsu and jojutsu forms sensei Barrish practices these days are mostly new to me, so they really help reinforce that feeling of beginner's mind. 
This last saturday I missed the morning misogi because I was up late tending to my sick 2 year old and so overslept. I also just barely made it to keiko on time so I started with a bit of a rushed feeling. It quickly went away as we headed out to train next to the river. We went through a series of paired ken and jo forms and moved on to taijutsu before coming back in to the jinja to finish up the keiko. 
At one point I was able to take ukemi from sensei as we worked on a tachi waza omote sankyo variation. One of the things that always stands out to me in training is how different everyone feels. As uke I'm always looking to "pour" into nage, and depending on the nage, I'm always looking for how to do that. The interesting thing about sensei is how obvious my movement is. Almost without exception, I simply don't feel like I have an option...and even where I feel like I have options, I always feel like I have to play catch-up to his initiative. 
It's really quite fascinating too how this adds to my form as nage. Taking ukemi from sensei I often have the feeling that my structure gets "squared up." I've often noticed how good my bad shoulder, neck, and back feels when taking ukemi from sensei, like it was a cooperative form of shiatsu, and this in turn seems to add strength or responsiveness to my role as nage. It brings to my mind the idea of holographic attunement.
Anyhoo...great fun and I'm looking forward to the slow-but-sure advancement of my training again. Kimochi! I'm also very excited about the Aiki Taisai coming up!!!
MG]]></body>
	<date>04-12-2011</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4073">
	<title><![CDATA[A random set of impressions]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Brief though it's been, it feels very good to get on the mat again. It was such an unusual feeling to put the gi back on because on one hand it was so familiar, but on the other it was very new feeling. I just kept thinking what a new, old feeling it was and how there's no replacement for the visceral experience of practice.
One of the key things that stood out to me was the difference between being a 19 year old and a 32 year old. I certainly don't remember there being quite so many pops and clicks to my movement. I've been beat up by my job in construction, so my wrists aren't flexible like they once were. I've unlearned a lot of whatever I may have learned about not using my shoulders too, particularly when it came to practicing suburi, and I had to keep reminding myself to relax, stand up straight, and feel the ground with my feet. 
One point of interest to me was how the katatetori portion of waza has changed a bit. Not that I had the older version we practiced down very well, but it was still strongly in my muscle memory so I had to constantly remind myself how I was going to suppress nage instead of just sort of doing it. I also really enjoyed the new swordwork drills. 
All in all it felt so great to be there, to see people I haven't seen in a decade still training hard and refining their practice; not flaking out like I did. Being around people like that is great for people like me who do tend to go off into flights of fancy. It sets an example...a firm reminder of what dedication to practice really means...or can mean, at least. 
My only frustration came from realizing how far I've drifted in my accuity. At one point I threw my training partner right into the path of someone else, and at another I actually threw him right into another person. I still feel like an idiot because I've always prided myself on being a safe partner and having good spacial awareness, but I clearly wasn't up to par. 
Which I suppose brings me back to the idea that in all things, good bad or indifferent, we must move forward and not dwell on the past...or if we must, as I undoubtedly will to some extent, use it to fuel progress. 
Anyhow, my training isn't much to write about (not that that has ever stopped me before), but it's better than it was a month ago and I'm happy to see renewed motivation building in me. I will have to keep on keeping on, and maybe I'll be able to write some day about how much progress I've made instead of how much I've allowed it to dwindle.
Lazy Bastard signing off.]]></body>
	<date>11-28-2010</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="4005">
	<title><![CDATA[Convenience]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Somewhere along the line I determined that if it felt like work I must be doing something wrong. It worked because I had so damned much energy and drive! It was a great way to promote efficiency, but with a lack of focus attached, it has also become a great way to simply be a lazy bastard. I wonder if this is something of a natural product of my youth, where energy came more readily and injuries healed without my helping them along. Was it Mark Twain who said youth is wasted on the young? Whoever said that wasn't exactly ignorant of this tendancy in many folks. 
Now I am trying to find ways to make this work for me while working to be less lazy. I'm putting my bokken and jo out so it's convenient for me to pick them up; I'm telling my wife my grand plans so she will nag...er...[I]remind[/I] me about them. These are short-cuts to the thing I'm looking to reclaim in myself, but I'm hoping they inch me close enough that it simply becomes convenient for me to kick my own ass and stop making excuses. 
"Coincidentally," if I'm still talking like this in a few years, please feel free to nag...er...[I]remind[/I] me that I'm still a lazy bastard who needs to step up his game.
...Not that this is the first time I've said anything like this. As in all things I suppose, time will tell. Now to get off this infernal machine!]]></body>
	<date>08-29-2010</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3701">
	<title><![CDATA[The Lost Student]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Reading another blog I was drawn to this idea of The Lost Student...
If I had to describe my intentions in this world in one word it would be "student." It's been one of the most central concepts attached to my personal identity...and I'm proud of this fact. Growing up I felt it was ok to be ignorant or lacking somehow as long as I was working on it; as long as I was studying how to be better. In many ways it became my safe-haven whenever I felt less-than-adequate. 
I feel it's been both a blessing and a curse for me though. A curse because at times it's allowed too much of a sense of slack. I didn't have to hit the mark, "because I was trying." There are other factors involved in this too. I have a strong perfectionist streak in me and, recognizing that, I've been afraid at times to give it too much reign over how I respond to things, making me at times a little too stoic. 
That said, at one point I lost my life's ambition...gave it up, really. I went from having a drive about which to organize all my actions, to no clear motivation. I began to live more and more moment to moment and my motto became, "the unaimed arrow never misses." I still identified myself as a "student of/for life," but I was no longer organized and the more I slipped into this mode of thought, the more inconsistant I became overall. Part of the reason for this was as a defense-mechanism for my growing depression...and it was definately a circular dynamic since part of the reason I became depressed, in my opinion, is the lack of direction and purpose. 
So, at any rate, I became more and more of a lost student. In retrospect it wasn't as bad as it seemed at the time. Also, if I hadn't gone down the path I did, I wouldn't have the family I do now, and I don't think I'd trade that for anything...except maybe everlasting world peace and harmony...and I think I'm safe from having to make THAT sacrifice. 
Now I find myself coming back to my own personal kind of one-point. My eye is suddenly discovering targets again; purpose. And I have a lot of what people euphamistically refer to as "life experience." All in all, not so bad I guess, though at times when I was feeling very lost, it seemed I was tumbling into oblivion. 
Funny how the mind works both as a powerful tool when organized, and a powerful hinderance when not. Even when without a purpose, when it's organized, purpose seems to pop up unexpectedly. 
I'm still quite the stoic, but now it seems my purpose in life is to find cohesive and functioning organization. To build up myself so myself can build up my household and my household can help build up the world.
Anyway...top o' the head now swept clean, it's time for chores.
Cheers.]]></body>
	<date>11-03-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3689">
	<title><![CDATA[Way]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Lately I've come to the conclusion that I've been confusing :ai: :ki: :do:  with :do: 
I started my :do: before I ever found Aikido, but because Aikido was such a nice fit I began to blur the lines I think. Aikido became the title of my "way," despite less and less physical training, until anything which seemed to loosely fit was simply called Aikido. 
It's interesting that as my "way" has lately been clarifying, I'm looking at Aikido in a renewed light. Gradually, as my sense of this coalesces, I feel greater momentum and drive toward my study of Aikido develop as well. I've never stopped thinking about Aikido. That has been my one constant connection to the art, but I find my thoughts taking a subtle shift into something slightly more concrete...something more urgent. Recently I took my Jo which has long been darkened by the oily sweat of my hands and lightly sanded it. The accumulated gunk quickly rendered the sandpaper useless and I had to get another piece. I thought of the Shinto concept of tsumi, which is also said to be cumulative, and I smiled as I gently removed the old layers of grime I had allowed to collect. 
The job isn't done. An interesting polkadot pattern has formed from the many many hits it took, and while I rather like the look of it, I plan on finishing the job.
All that's left is to do it.]]></body>
	<date>10-28-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3597">
	<title><![CDATA[soccer &quot;wisdom&quot;]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Sometimes you have to veer away from the goal to get a clearer shot at it.]]></body>
	<date>08-22-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3555">
	<title><![CDATA[1000 Cuts]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[From Beginner Mind but unaware
I'm finding the time to see it there.
To iron flat the page of mind;
that kalaidascope 
of shadowed lines;
where some may find an open space
and then may see a form to trace
it's off to there a bit more wholly
off to recognize and to know thee:
to've refined, re-find and refined
my beginner's mind.]]></body>
	<date>07-17-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3543">
	<title><![CDATA[A reminder on discipline]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[When I was a younger lad I went through a phase where I was surprisingly disciplined. For certain reasons, later I would actually work on flying by the seat of my pants instead. Suffice it to say I'm now working on swinging that pendulum back in the other direction and with the birth of my child I'm finding a very helpful situation for that. No longer am I on my own schedule. Just about every 2 or 3 hours or so I get up with my wife and prepare to feed our crying baby. In addition to feeding comes the other end of that process and so there are times when I must wake up, or simply get up, and change the diaper. When the obvious needs are already met, I must find a way to soothe our baby and that is a whole art unto itself. In short, there are many demands in place where previously I was used to doing pretty much whatever floated into my head at the moment...and I love it...mostly.
It's aggravating to hear a baby scream at the top of its little lungs when you just woke up and all you want is to go back to sleep. It's harder to change diapers and warm the supplemental formula and behave in a soothing manner. It takes discipline. Of course, the love I feel for baby Benjamin provides all the motivation I need, but I'm finding that this discipline of raising a baby has seeped into other areas too. My little garden which has become a jungle of grasses and weeds, in some places 3 feet high, is now about 2/3 cleared (I'm just waiting for the yard waste bin to get picked up). I just installed an overhead cabinet I pilfered from a job-site months ago, and am continuing to do all the many things I've let lapse when I had more time, but somehow less energy. 
Lately I've had the thought that life is a strange sort of perpetual motion mechanism. The harder you work, the easier it is to work and maintain a higher level of effort; the more you allow excuses to flood into your mind, the easier it is to make excuses and to half-ass your life away. Not that any of you folks here at Aikiweb should give two farts, but I've been very good at half-assing my life away...and I gotta say, for all the talk and thoughts about what could be, I've never been so happy or closer to making those thoughts a reality as right now. And before I enjoy that feeling a little too much, I'm off to do some work so my perpetual motion can maintain the higher standard I've been experiencing.
Thank you for the space to consider this in my favorite form, the word.
Gambatte
Ogenkide
Matt's now on his way.
Cheers.]]></body>
	<date>07-07-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3484">
	<title><![CDATA[Sample Rate]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Lately I've been thinking of a digital music class I took in which sample rate was exaplained (e.g. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sample_rate). I always thought this was a great analogy for human attention/retention of information. Using the analogy, meditation seems to be geared toward increasing the rate at which we're sampling any given period of time with the goal being as nearly complete a sample as possible. 
I've seen case studies which implied the average person is not very attentive to the particulars of a given situation, particularly when they've already got a task in mind to distract from them. The most notable being a study in which students enrolling for college were directed to go to a room, get a form and proceed to the next location directed. The student would arrive at the room, request the form, and the person behind the counter would duck down out of sight "to get the form," but a completely different person would stand up and hand the form over. As I recall, the percentage who noticed the completely different person was staggeringly low...about 10% I'm guessing. Even at 30%, which I'm sure is well above the study's measurement, this apparent fact is somewhat disturbing considering most people, when asked, seem to think they're pretty aware of their surroundings. 
I'm writting about this because in my opinion, the issue of attention and sample rate plays into everything we do and that it is for this ability to get a relatively "full" sample that we train for. It seems to make perfect sense why so many systems of warriorship include systems of meditation as well. In highly complex and chaotic situations, having even a slightly higher sample rate than your "opponant" can make all the difference in the world because you can simply perceive more of what is happening.]]></body>
	<date>04-19-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3449">
	<title><![CDATA[What Aikido has become for me]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[So essentially I began training in Aikido from a desire to learn physical self-defense maneuvers (osae waza, etc.) and to learn something about inner peace. I knew only what many of us read everywhere about Aikido being a "way of peace;" a "way of harmonizing with hostile forces." Word! I'm down with that! I spent my whole life a pacifist among fighters, so I had a pre-existing and deep appreciation for the power a warrior has in creating peace. The language was right up my alley. I studied very hard for about 2 and a half years, and after 10 years of sporadic interaction on the mat, I'd estimate I have about 1 year's worth of solid training, conditioning aside. 
Now, I practice something every day, but there is no substitute for the kind of dedication which puts people on the mat with each other. One of the first things I came to love about Aikido was that I got to train with everyone. Each fellow student has a unique contribution to the development of one another, and while that sounds like a lovely bit of poetry, I think it has a profound bit of logic to it as well. The biggest obstacle to learning is not seeing the lesson and when we begin to see everyone as a potential lesson (i.e. teacher role), we begin to allow for much greater potential in learning. [I]That's[/I] the danger of ego: presumption...or so I presume.:D 
The community facet of Aikido has come to represent the essence of the whole for me. We humans are as comfortable as we generally are because we have a society in which to gain resources (like learning). The society of Aikido is no different. We get together for different reasons, but we get together and we share a part of our knowledge and experience with each other that we may help one another to some degree in some way. Then we leave for home, hopefully a little more developed than we were before, whether it be a little more serene, a little tougher, whatever.]]></body>
	<date>03-04-2009</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="3431">
	<title><![CDATA[The Moments Before Deai: A Brief History.]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[My first experiences with any form of martial arts came in my childhood. For one thing I was the smallest kid of my grade throughout elementary school, and for another, the people I grew up with always seemed interested in being tough. I found that my friends, who were about a foot taller and twice my weight in some cases, could always beat me in contests of strength. The best I could do against them was to outsmart them or somehow stall out thier efforts to overpower me. Given that WWF and Hulkamania were in full effect, I took ukemi for many a pile-driver, body slam and even the occasional suplex. I remember specific moments where I was forced to learn how to not get hurt...and indeed I was lucky I didn't. I landed on many pine cones and exposed roots and rocks. 
As I said, the culture of my area was heavily based on toughness. The golden era of Gangsta Rap began with the popularity of NWA, Eazy E, etc. so you can see why many of my generation might have gravitated toward thuggish behavior. I've known enough criminals to have a relatively competent understanding of various forms of crime and from what I can tell assault is a highly unreported crime that should be taken seriously. 
So, my lessons in how to engage people bigger than me, coupled with my lessons from a violent componant of our society instilled in me a sense of need for self-defense as well as a basic direction to move in. In high school I decided I would learn a martial art so I began reading about various styles. I was attracted to the ideas of unity and mindfulness I perceieved of Aikido. By chance, a friend was going to check out an Aikido dojo and invited me along. When I arrived I was impressed by the dojo itself. It was in a beautiful mountain setting next to the Pilchuck River and it was exciting to actually be in a [I]dojo[/I], complete with warriors swinging wooden swords and staffs and throwing each other all over the place. The people were "chill" and laughed a lot while they worked hard. Quickly I began to think it looked fake though. Some of it looked real tough/effective, but a lot of it seemed too easy...almost as if the attacker was letting the defender win. I left and got distracted and didn't seriously think about learning a martial art until I was 19.
I dropped out of college and got a job and suddenly had disposable income. By chance, I was driving aimlessly through the mountains and I suddenly had the vague memory of the Aikido dojo I visited back in high school. Sure enough I found it and introduced myself and decided to give Aikido a try. At this point in my life I was battling with pretty bad depression and I didn't care that it seemed non-martial. I was interested in the meditational quality Kannagara Dojo seemed ready to provide.]]></body>
	<date>02-06-2009</date>
</blogEntry>


</blogEntries>