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<blogEntries>
<blogEntry id="1475">
	<title><![CDATA[New thoughts about Confusion]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Yep, we all get confused-- we fumble about with techniques with which we are unfamiliar. We furrow our brows and grimmace while we try to process subtleties-- or even the gross movements of certain waza , or variations of waza we already "know". 

It is one thing to accept confusion and move on, it is another to keep yourself confused, by "thinking too much" (as my instructor's have described it) perhaps as some sort of excuse for not gaining immediate proficiency. 

Yesterday I found myself in one of these confused states and discovered that I was actually inhibiting myself by holding too tightly to my confusion. Upon realizing this I tried to shift my attention from what I didn't understand about the technique to letting myself flow through the mindless familar elements. Of course, I did not execute the technique perfectly, but I felt myself absorb the basic differences much more rapidly than if I had tried to "think" it through. 

There must come a point (perhaps in the mid/upper kyu ranks) when one has to begin trusting their training and body-memory more than their brain. 

Some questions--- to question.
What is the difference between Brain and Mind?
Does the Mind exist in the Brain alone?
Can the Mind litterally be in the Hara or Center?
What does it mean to use the Mind as a shield?
What is the state of no-mindedness? 
Where does the no-mind exist?


 ]]></body>
	<date>02-03-2005</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="1465">
	<title><![CDATA[On missing practice]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[So I've missed a few days of practice. I don't think that I am alone in feeling a bit strange when I miss practice. Its probably like missing any workout. I feel more irritable, tight, slow. 

I have had a chance to meditate-- just a few minutes a day. And I've been concentrating on my breathing while walking to and from work. These things combined with streatching, ki exercises, and katas help alieveate the symptoms of missing practice. They help me recenter and relax. 

During these days off I have had some time to think about my Randori experience and how it relates to the world and my Self-Rebellion.

Chaos is nothing more 
Than the reflection of our own confusion
And evidence of our inability to comprehend
The complexity and scale
Of the universe in its entirety. 

Is it possible that the desire to find an order or pattern in chaos is what keeps us from rising above it, or flowing with it? This desire to find pattern is like trying to predict the future-- a distraction from the present. 
The desire divides our minds--- we rethink the past-- we try to discover how it will inform the future-- the present passes. One must enter the present competely. Perhaps then multiple enemies become absorbed into one self-enemy-- perhaps then all things come into focus.

the trick then is entering the present. 

   If your heart is large enough to envelop your adversaries, you can 
   see right through them and avoid their attacks. And once you envelop 
   them, you will be able to guide them along a path indicated to you by 
   heaven and earth.
                              -- O Sensei




 ]]></body>
	<date>01-31-2005</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="1458">
	<title><![CDATA[Randori?]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Chaos.
The Universe is full of it. Ask anyone.
It isn't hard to get overwhelmed by it each day.
Apparently, there is some way to flow through it without getting taken down-- without getting beaten up, exhausted ,or injured. Aikido is supposed to have something to do with teaching us how to swim through this chaos. I don't think that it is a method-- perhaps a set of guidelines or strategies would be a better description. Maybe it is something even more intangible--- something that Chaos can't get a grip on-- something too illusive to strike. It must be a state of being. 

I want very badly to achieve this state of being. I want very badly to be immune to the madness. But I have a hunch that my desire is going to get in the way at somepoint. It will probably keep me from breathing-- make me grab hold of the Chaos-- anchor me too it and therefore absorb me in its madness. 

Is "siezing chaos" really the best translation of Randori? I have heard it translated that way. But now it seems entirely opposed to a successful method of dealing with multiple attackers. May be there is a better translation: 

Swiming,
Riding, 
Conducting,
Directing, 
Percieving,
Navagating,
Surfing,

Chaos.


 ]]></body>
	<date>01-28-2005</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="1450">
	<title><![CDATA[Aikido, Ethical Codes and Otherness]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Discussing,
And sharing 
One's own Self-Rebellion
With other Self-Rebels
Is an excellent method
Of improving one's faculty 
For dynamic understanding.

Here is a little brainstorm that I've been entertaining. 

Aikido, Ethical Codes and Otherness

     Most aikidoka that I have spoken with over the last year and a half claim that their training in aikido has effected every part of their life. While the type and degree of effect is different for everyone I would feel safe assumeing that any effect has been a postitive one-- increased awareness, compassion and confidence. Day to day I become aware of a new effect that aikido has had on my understanding of and interaction with the world. Recently, I am most aware of my own rising ethical standards.
	
     I have never studied ethics formaly. Notice, however, that I  have informed you of this difficiencey before allowing you make the assumption that I am trying to pass myself off as some sort of expert on the subject. 
	
     An ethic is a principle of right or good behavior. The diffculty in discussing ethics then is apparent from the beginning, for, in order to behave in a right, or good manner towards others we each require a certain code, or at least a referance point to measure our behavior with. In an ideal world we might imagine a certain Prime Code that could be the standard by which humanity measured itself. Sadly, such a Prime Code seems more like a theme for an epic work of utopian science fiction than a realistic quest for humanity. It seems beyond our capacity at present.  The frustrating thing is; somehow it doesn't feel like it should be so difficult.
	
     We are all familiar of the various attempts to standardize ethics. Each of the world's religions and cultures have their own codes, and when comparing these codes it is apparent that they are generally very similar. Nonetheless, we find the peoples of the world in constant conflict with each other. Upon examining this tendency one may begin to suspect, as I have, that the conflict comes not from an adhereance to these ethical codes, but from the abuse of power and from the tendency of leaders, both religious and secular, to inforce something called Otherness.
	
     This idea of Otherness can be explored further by reading the works of such thinkers as J. Krishnamurti and Arthur Koestler, but otherness can be simply described as the inforcing of differences (whether real, or imagined) between groups of people while simultaniously inforcing the similarities (whether real or imagined) between the individuals that make up each of those groups. In its worst forms Otherness creates, enemies and slaves. In these cases Otherness, it seems, is used as an excuse to abandon one's code of ethics in the quest for power over another. Similarities between ethical codes are somehow forgotten while differances are highlighted. Ethical codes, instead of bridging the gap of Otherness, tend to widen it.

     There are many possible explanations for the human tendency to highlight otherness, but reasons for this are, in a way, less important than simply recognizing this tendency of which we are all guilty. 
	 
     In the past I have written, somewhat tongue-in-cheek, about being an Aikido fanatic. I sincerely hope that anyone who identified the statement understands the irony. For fanatisism is, more often than not, exclusive and sepratist. While it is easy to divide the world into those who study Aikido and those that do not, I believe that Aikido is fundamentally a method for eliminating the illusion of Otherness. Two quotes from O'Sensei: 

     There is evil and disorder in the world because people have 
     Forgotten that all things emanate from one source.

     All things, material and spiritual, originate from one source    and 
     are related as if they were one family. The past, present, and future 
     are all contained in the life force. The universe emerged and 
     developed from one source, and we evovled through the optimal 
     process of unification and harmonization.

	
     Now, we all had our reasons for starting our practice of Aikido. The magnificient demonstrations of power that we read about. The demonstrations that we witnessed-- effortless power and grace-- some sort of gateway to trancendence--  invincibility. We are all guilty of these desires. All guilty of wanting to eliminate our fears-- to override the animal nature that tells us to fight or take flight. We are all guilty of wanting to have some sort of moral, ethical stature above and beyond the majority of humanity. 
	
     And as we continue to practice Aikido we do attempt to adhere to the highest standard of ethical combat-- something we might translate into a Prime Code. But, we must be cautious of enforceing our Otherness negatively. As we discover this new identity for ourselves and find a community of like-minded we must be sure not to allow our dedication to turn into fanaticism-- into a form of rightousness enforced by an incomplete understanding of our new ethical code.

**************************************** ]]></body>
	<date>01-26-2005</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="1445">
	<title><![CDATA[Have you ever forced it?]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[The Self-Rebel's mind should be like a sponge.
Moments of clarity should be embraced
   and immediately squeezed dry.
The following state of confusion
Should be embraced and squeezed likewise.
Thus the mind is always prepared to receive
   fresh input from the Universe.

"Have you ever forced it?" was a piece of graffiti I saw near the entrance to The School of The Art Institute of Chicago. It was an appropriate message left at an appropriate place (many art students are guilty of it).

This is my meditation for this afternoon.

How many of us are guilty of trying to move to fast? When does working hard or being dedicated to the art of aikido risk being excessive or fanatical-- when does it rist being counterproductive?

It seems to me that when I "forcing it", I have forgotten the principles of aikido. When I force it I forget to blend-- I forget to breathe-- and I forget to relax-- I risk hurting myself and others. 

Does the desire for progress in this culture get in the way of our growth --how can one move any faster than the world around them? Should our practice be informed by the fable of the Tortise and the Hare? Is it that simple?

When our focus is concentrated on the aquisition of a specific goal, do we limit the scope of our perception? Is such concentration a weakness? Is single-mindedness opposed to no-mind? Is this the lesson of a belt system? To allow ourselves to progress at our own pace despite it? 

Big stuff, maybe. 
Questions to Meditate upon.

In your training, do not be in a hurry, for it takes a minimum of ten years to master the basics and advance to the first rung. Never think of yourself as an all knowing, perfected master; you must continue to train daily with your friends and students and progress together in the Art of Peace.
-- O'Sensei




 ]]></body>
	<date>01-25-2005</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="1441">
	<title><![CDATA[Post Script to Aikido and Self-Rebellion]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[Oh well. It is still fun (at least for me). 

The questions that I ask myself now is, "Is this journal a good way to defeat my ego? Is this a way to gain victory over my self, or am I merely enforcing somthing that is detrimental to my own growth?"

I'll try my best to keep up with my entries. I am working on a piece now called either "Aikido and Otherness" or "Aikido and The Ethical Use of Power" perhaps in a week or two I will paste it in here. 

Feel free to contact me if you want to discuss my novice understanding of Aikido, or if you want to begin your own Self-Rebellion.

     By participating actively 
     In Self-Rebellion
     One begins to recognize 
     The Self-Rebellion (or lack thereof) in others.
     Such vision gives birth to strength and compassion. ]]></body>
	<date>01-24-2005</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="1440">
	<title><![CDATA[Confusion, Action, Aikido and Self-Rebellion]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[None of my observations should be taken as budo by any beginning practitioner of this art form or as heresy by any of the danship. Instead, for true guidance, I suggest reflecting on one of my favorite of O'Sensei's poems of The Path--

			Techniques of the Sword
			Cannot be encompassed
			By words or letters.
			Do not rely on such things--
			Move on toward enlightenment!

Second, let me preface this article by making it clear that I am by all means a master of Self-Rebellion. Consider me the founder of the art  the coiner of the term and an accomplished practitioner.  Meditate upon my own poem when you are struck confused by my words and letters.

			The Self-Rebellion
			Relies solely on the words
			and hypocrisy in your own mind.
			Embrace them and your confusion--
			authoritatively declare your ignorance 
					to the world!

Since I began my pursuit of Aikido approximately a year ago I have heard the art described and defined in many ways. I am still pretty uncertain what I've actually committed myself to, but enjoy it nonetheless. I find a bizarre comfort in my oscillating mental states of clarity and confusion during practice. I attribute this comfort to my prior and continuing practice of Self-Rebellion.

It is not my intention to write a complete treatise on the concept of Self-rebellion. Instead, I will describe it simply as the struggle between the destructive and constructive forces of the self. Self-rebellion reveals the self as fundamentally oxymoronic. Self-rebellion is absurdity accentuated by the apparent struggle yet actual stalemate of dueling elements of the self. Self-rebellion is a striving to achieve a dualistic and paradoxical balance. Self-Rebellion is hyphenated. Self-Rebellion embraces the fact that all lives come to the same conclusion, independent of their quality. Self-rebellion brings the self-rebel peace and makes the self-rebel happy even at the moment of their destruction. Whether the self-rebel is unwittingly hit by a bus or quietly passes on in his or her sleep. Apparently, self-rebellion is not simply described.
	
I have probably confused you more than I intended. Oh well. Life is confusion! Moments of certainty are rare and even those moments are followed by revelations contrary to one's previous certainty. Where is the stability in our world? Where is true path to contentment? How come its so easy to slip into blind complacency? I don't really expect answers-- but I imagine that at times you feel just like I do. 
	
It is not entirely your fault. Just remember that. It is the world around us and the residual animal nature inside ourselves that make us simultaneously confused and completely certain of our infallibility. Sometimes we think we know what is best for us-- so we act and find ourselves injured by that action. But there are so many decisions to make every day! How are we ever to know which decisions are the correct ones? We are so often wrong. 
	
Consider this: Emerson the transcendentalist said, "Trust thyself"-- a beautiful idea that is worth contemplating at length.  The problem, we all know, is that far too many untrustworthy people trust themselves far too much. They get in the way imagining themselves like politicians running the world. Those of us who wish to trust ourselves sincerely often find ourselves immersed in a world that refuses to trust us back-- a world populated by unreliable experts who tell us we are wrong or, at best, kindly inform us that we are mistaken. We find ourselves frustrated and weak, cowering, sucking our thumbs beneath the covers and weeping at the injustice of the world. We feel primitive and childish because we still use internal combustion as our primary source of mechanical locomotion.			

Still, it is not our fault, is it? No. It is the fault of unreliable experts. Think of all the conflicting input we receive throughout our lives. Actually, I'll make it easier, think about two of the most respected types "educators" in our society-- scientists, and spiritual advisors. Most scientists teach us that, over time, systems generally move from order and structure towards entropy and chaos. Then they proceed to teach us formulas and equations that are far to logical and clear-cut to support their claim of universal mayhem. Spiritual advisors claim the contrary-- a "natural order" or a "grand design". But then, when considering our spirits and their welfare, we are faced with innumerable conflicts-- a pantheon of deities placed in the heavens by churches at war. 
	
Now, I am not claiming that all scientists and spiritual advisors are qualifiable as unreliable experts. The best are dedicated to the pursuit of sincerity and truth. But who is right? Perhaps Emerson is right after all. Perhaps we know what is right for us even if we can't articulate it. Even if we don't understand, who cares? I do-- so all that is left to me is to embrace the confusion and the unknowable as inevitable-- and love it.

Aikido, in my opinion, is exceptional as both a spiritual and scientific practice. It is exceptional in its pursuit of sincerity, agility of mind and body, and power of spirit. Such phrases as, "The secret of aikido is to become one with the universe," and, "Aikido is primarily a way to achieve physical and psychological self-mastery," impose themselves upon us-- not maliciously but benevolently and harmoniously. 

During the practice of Aikido, the use of intangible powers and tangible physiology are demonstrated in parallel. It is also collaborative. When we practice Aikido together we act and are acted upon-- collaborate in practical experiments. This makes Aikido somehow tangible even in its most ethereal aspects. Sometimes we cock our heads and stutter-step around each other for days, weeks, or months before we find a moment of clarity-- but still we find it. 

Anyone beginning their own Self-Rebellion will excitedly sympathize with a beginning aikidoist. Both practitioners try their best to accept their confusion as a happy state before inevitable enlightenment instead of simply a frustrating state of purgatory.   

But are we-- ourselves-- our minds-- the only things confused? The world around us, the populations we share it with, often seem pretty confused too. If not confused, the world, at least, seems incomprehensibly complex-- the people we share it with-- just plain stupid. 

So here we are again. How are we to act with any confidence in the world. We can't simply shio-nage our way through life. As a child I knew that, despite my mother's claims, the Grand Design for my toys was scattered over the floor. Perhaps I am not alone in sometimes believing that the Grand Design is naturally the effect of the least amount effort. The principle of Aikido identified by Koichi Tohei, relax completely, is easily misinterpreted when dishes are stacked in the sink or when we obsessively wash our hands chanting the mantra "cleanliness is next to godliness". Entropy becomes a convenient excuse for the lazy and the anal retentive alike. I use it to my advantage often. For which neurosis, I'll let you guess.
	
In society, orderliness is considered a wholly positive trait. We all know that order requires effort, but it is not necessarily evident that effort becomes stressful and ineffective without the combination of relaxation and attentiveness. Still it seems that no amount of effort, relaxed and attentive or otherwise, can contend with the will of nature. The world that surrounds us is far more powerful than the will of any single individual, or even of the collective will of humankind-- in my opinion, at least, that is its beauty. Alas, we are faced with a dilemma-- a desire to push our own way, while the rest of the universe goes about it's business using us however it wishes.
	
So is nature ultimately at odds with the type of order we desire? Is cleaning your room more like act of prayer, or more like splitting an atom? Is science at odds with nature. Are the natural sciences in fact spiritual? Is there even such thing as an unnatural science? Do you expect me to tell you anything you don't already know? What the heck does all this have to do with Aikido? 
	
If the world acts in its own way without regard for its inhabitants where do our individual wills have any real influence? The answer: within ourselves. The only forms of entropy that we can have any influence over are the confusion and conflict in our minds and the objects or people that are placed within our control. 
	
In Aikido we practice the relaxed development of the hara and extension of ki into a dynamic sphere of power that we anchor to the weight of the earth. This sphere of power is the limit of our control over the external world. The principles of Self-Rebellion are neccessarily less clear than those of Aikido, but in self-rebellion we accept the confusion in our minds and the world around us. We make our peace with it. Learn from it. This is not unlike the practice of Aikido. Such an acceptance provides us with a perpetual rediscovering of the dynamic universe. As aikidoists (and perhaps self-rebels as well) we attempt to maintain a relaxed and attentive state with which to harmonize the dissonant within ourselves so that we can harmonize, in turn, with the world around us. So we can cope with sharp objects and unreliable experts with the confidence and sincerity.
	
Again, O'Sensei on Aikido:
			Aiki---
			A Path so difficult
			To comprehend,
			Yet as simple as
			The natural flow of Heaven.

And myself on self-rebellion:

			For the Self-Rebel
			Confusion becomes a blissful state.
			Use your confusion as an excuse
			To learn the world anew
			Moment to moment!
	
And O'Sensei, who always deserves the last word:

			Looking at the 
			World's sorry state
			Do not whimper helplessly!
			With the wrath of the gods
			Let us bravely head on!


 ]]></body>
	<date>01-24-2005</date>
</blogEntry>

<blogEntry id="1439">
	<title><![CDATA[First Entry -- Aikido and Self-Rebellion]]></title>
	<body><![CDATA[How many times have I started a journal with the intention of making regular entries? More than I can count. I have stacks of journals-- gifts from friends and family-- countless legal pads I buy three for a dollar at the drug store. I've never filled one. On average there are ten to twenty blank pages left in the back. 

I also never have never kept a running narrative of my life. My books are always filled with brief notes, brain storms, doodles, arguments, angry frustrated rants -- mostly telling myself to get off my a** and do something besides doodle.

The closest I have ever come to actually keeping a regular journal is one that I have been keeping for about two years now. I call it The Self-Rebellion. This is the first public journal I have ever attempted.

I know, by this time you are wondering what this has to do with Aikido, because, after all, this is an Aikido site. Well, it just so happens that my exploration of Self-Rebellion preluded my study (almost obsessive) of Aikido by six months. 

Currently, on the 24th of January, 2005, I am a 4th Kyu student at the AAA affilliated dojo of Jikishinkan in Brooklyn, NY. I did have some prior expereince with the martial arts, I studied Tai Chi in Boston for about two years during college. During grad school in Chicago, I tried a bit of Ninjitsu (hmmm.)-- not realizing that AAA's headquarters was only a few minutes away. It wasn't until I moved to New York that I discoved Aikido, and from the moment I watched my first class, I was hooked. 

I began reading as much as I could about the art, and became very interested in the philosophy and spiritual foundations of the art-- in particular the idea that victory is victory over the self. It was this similarity to my own experience of Self-Rebellion that has compelled me
ever since.

The following is a copy of an article I wrote for our Dojo Newsletter. It is important to take into account the fact that the article is now about a year old. I have not read it since I submitted it. It should, however give a reasonable impression of my state of mind at the beginning of my aikido training and an explanation of Aikido and it's relation to The Self-Rebellion.




			 ]]></body>
	<date>01-24-2005</date>
</blogEntry>


</blogEntries>